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Ask Maralee: How to talk to our kids about differing behavioral expectations?

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I love my little community of readers! Each week I sit down to write thinking about what it is I feel needs to be said and what it is you might be interested in hearing. It’s been so fun for me to get to interact a little more intentionally that way through the “Ask Maralee” forum. I love seeing what you’re interested in and what you think I might have some perspective on. If you want to know a bit more about who I am and why you might want to ask me a question, I wrote an introduction, but mostly what I want you to know is that I’m not answering questions because I actually have THE answers, but because I love the discussion and because I’m thankful for those who have offered me their perspective along the way. If you would like to submit a question (anything is on the table), here’s the form.

“We live in one of the poorest parts of town, where there are a lot of kids who play outside from morning until night unsupervised. I have always allowed our kids to play outside for hours a day with them, sometimes I sit outside with all of them, get to know the neighbor kids  take them to the park or the garden, etc. and sometimes I choose to stay inside and make dinner or whatever.
The question is this: How does one parent with Christian ideals and explain them to kids without harming the other family’s identity in the eyes of the child?
None of the other kids’ families are Christian, and there is a lot of yelling/absent parenting going on. Often our kids question our rules because “so and so doesn’t/gets to do that” and it’s not something I’m remotely interested a) to talk about further at their age and b) that’s not the way we will do things in our family based on our value system.
Thanks!”

First of all, I am thankful for YOU! I think it’s been a really beautiful trend to see people of faith intentionally living in communities that are a challenge. I loved this article in Christianity Today about the positive effect that trend is having on some struggling public schools. But as you’re correctly expressing, that is going to come with some unique difficulties as you work to have your children grow up “in the world, but not of it.”

We experienced some of those frustrations in our group home days when we were raising kids in a very Christian environment, but some of the homes they came from were much the opposite. It was our job to teach them our ideals, but also help them have a love, respect, and compassion for the places they came from. Not an easy task, as you are correctly articulating.

For me, it starts with thinking about how I talk to my kids about the differences in the ways Christians behave. In our home we love trick-or-treating , but I know not all Christians do. We also leave Santa out of our Christmas celebrations, but I know some Christian families love incorporating him. In a bit of an even more extreme example, I grew up in a home where we didn’t use the words “gosh”, “darn”, “heck” or “jeez” (I feel a wee bit guilty just typing them right now!), and I’ve taught my kids that those words aren’t acceptable for them either. In each one of those situations I have talked to my kids not only about why we do or don’t do those things, but about how people who love God may come to different conclusions about them. We talk about not letting on that Santa isn’t real to other kids. We are sensitive to those whose conscience doesn’t allow them to trick-or-treat. We don’t express condemnation towards kids who say “darn” (or worse).

I think this is a fundamental part of raising loving, compassionate kids. They need to understand that obedience to Mom and Dad and ultimately to God is very important and that it may look different in different families. If we can teach them to love and have respect for Christian families who express their faith differently, I think it’s one step easier to teach them to love those families where we don’t have the same value system.

So if I were you and I was running into this issue regularly, I’d want to sit down with my kids and talk about why we have the rules we do. I know it’s a pain to go through those explanations, but that’s why I’d set aside a specific time to do it instead of feeling frustrated about it when they’re coming to you while you’re trying to cook dinner or use the bathroom or whatever (those are the two times my kids are guaranteed to come to me with complaints). Let them have some time to express their concerns respectfully and you can give them your answers.

As part of the process of answering them I would talk about the difference in values between you and your neighbors. It’s a difficult balance, but your goal is to express that you love these people, but you don’t agree with their choices. It’s such an important real world lesson that we can get along with, love, and even respect people even if we don’t agree with all the decisions they make. Talk openly with your kids about how you want the neighbors to come to know Jesus and part of that process involves them seeing how your family is different in a good way. Some of those differences may make you feel uncomfortable at times, but we need to be bold and not ashamed. I have told my kids (in the context of public school issues) that if you feel uncomfortable because another child is doing something you know you shouldn’t do, you either need to be brave enough to explain why you don’t do that, or you need to be brave enough to leave the situation.

I hope this answers your question. (You didn’t mention the age of your kids, so it could be that this all needs to be tweaked if they’re teens of toddlers.) If not, feel free to email me again and we can talk more about it! I also had two other thoughts when I got your message.

-When your kids are playing unsupervised with other kids who don’t share your values (especially kids from difficult home situations), open communication is HUGE. I feel this even from the perspective of sending my children to public school. We need to be preemptively talking to our kids about drugs, alcohol, sex, pornography, etc. (in an age appropriate manner) so they know what our expectations are. This is all the more reason why it’s important that you’re able to set aside time to talk through your rules. Makes sure they won’t feel afraid to come to you if they see something they know you won’t approve of.

-If you are concerned about the welfare of a child in your neighborhood, PLEASE call somebody. There are obviously different rules and different standards from family to family, but if you see something that seems more serious, don’t be afraid to call the police and have somebody touch base. Just because the police come doesn’t mean the kids will be taken from the home, but it may provide an extra set of eyes for accountability. They may also be able to connect a family with helpful resources if there is a problem. If you see something that seems to cross the line into abuse or neglect, you may be the only voice for that child.

Anybody else have thoughts on this question?

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