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My exercise routine consists mostly of holding a 30 pound baby while picking up legos with my toes and carrying an angry toddler out of Target.
#momskills
I lived in the south for nearly a decade (Georgia and Tennessee) and I can’t figure out if it’s more hilarious or insulting how often people with southern accents get subtitles in documentaries.
#itsstillEnglishpeople
This morning the 7 year-old stood outside the bathroom door while I got ready and yelled questions to me about placentas and umbilical cords. There was nothing about this kid in the parenting handbooks.
#morningswithDanny #futurescientist
Joel (4): MOM. It’s one hundred o’clock.
#soclose #tenoclock
Million Dollar Idea: create Play-Doh that tastes terrible.
#STOPEATINGTHEPLAYDOH
Josh (9): Guys! Stop saying “butt.” It isn’t even funny. . . Uh-oh. I think I’m becoming an adult.
Sign you have a large baby: When you go to pick him up, HE grunts because that’s the sound that’s always associated with being picked up.
#bigbabyproblems
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe it’s Maybelline. Or maybe she ran into the side of her bedroom door at 2 a.m. in the dark on the way to comfort a crying child.
Josh (9): You know what will be sad? When all the kids are in school and you’re by yourself all day. You’ll really miss us.
#ALLTHEFEELS #mightbealittlehappytoo
Parents of Bedwetters:
Your kids likely aren’t wetting the bed on purpose. Please don’t punish them when they do OR reward them when they don’t. If they can’t help it, they can’t help it.
Sincerely,
A Former Bedwetter
#enoughwiththestickercharts
Danny (7): It would be bad to be Darth Maul’s mom.
Me: Oh yeah. Because he was so evil?
Danny: No, because of his head. . . do you think he had those horns when he came out?
#DrDanny #StarWarsQuestions
It’s not that I WANT to put the 17 month-old in a toddler bed, it’s just that I’m pretty sure I’m doing permanent damage to my back by lifting his giant baby body in and out of the crib.
#bigbabyproblems
I left the toddler watching Mickey Mouse while I went to get the baby up from a nap. I returned to find her watching a trailer for “The Revenant” she accidentally uploaded while attempting to find The Peanuts Movie. “Sorry Mom,” she yells the second I walk in the room.
#techsavvytoddler #momfail #thankfulitwasjustthetrailer
There are ten kids playing baseball in the street in front of my house. Some days I’m pretty sure I live in a Charles Schulz comic strip. This would also explain why it seems like they think I’m saying “Wah wah wa wah wa.” when I tell them to be careful not to break a window.
#lovemylife #goodgrief
Child: They said there are more episodes on Disney Channel.
Me: We don’t get Disney Channel because we don’t have cable.
Child: What’s cable?
#nailedit #NetflixFamily #RabbitEars
Joel (4): It says my temperature is 98.2 F. “F” is for Fever.
#soclose
(at the preschool interview)
Teacher: What’s your name, young man?
Joel: Joel.
Teacher: Cole?
Joel: JOEL! J- O- E- L-. Joel.
So yeah, I think he’s ready for preschool.
“I think someday I can play for the NBA. But first I have to make it through middle school tryouts for basketball. That’s gonna be the hard part.”
#onedayatatime
This year we won’t have fruit flies. This year we WON’T have fruit flies. THIS YEAR WE WON’T HAVE FRUIT FLIES.
New Year’s Resolution: April Edition
Words to Live By:
“Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the ‘Titanic’ who waved off the dessert cart.”
― Erma Bombeck