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A Life in Status- January #1, 2017

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I love it when you’re feeling mostly dead (but trying to parent) and your husband is trying to pep talk you into being well and he ends up unintentionally sounding exactly like Andre the Giant.

Josh (10): I know that guy! It’s Captain. . . Captain. . . Captain Plasma!
Husband: I. have. failed.
#soclose #CaptainPicard #SciFiFamily

Walked into the room and saw the 7 year-old was reading to my husband who was fast asleep. My how the tables have turned. . .

Bethany: Can I have the blue hamper?
Me: Sure, but why?
Bethany: It reminds me of the water Jesus was baptized in.
#howcouldIsayno

“And Mom and Dad can hardly wait for school to start again.”
#TRUTH #mosthonestholidaysong #weALLneedstructure

Glitter Play-doh? It’s like the people who invent this stuff have never played with actual children.
#Playdoheverywhere #glittereverywhere #alltheworstmessesinone

Would it be easier to just put the plate in the dishwasher instead of hunting down the child and badgering him into coming down to do it himself? Yes. But we’re raising future husbands. Our daughters-in-law will thank us.
#Imthemomnotthemaid

Carrie (3): Mom, my floor all clean! I mow it now?
#soclose #vacuum #mommyshelper

By the time I got the last kid all dressed in her snow clothes, the first kid was ready to come back inside and needed help getting the snow clothes off. I think I’m going to cry.
#Iquit #whyIgetnothingdone #40minutesofdealingwithgloves

But really, this is me watching my boys talk to girls.

Image may contain: one or more people, people standing and text

Preschool Teacher: Are you excited about preschool?
Joel: Poop poop poop.
#whenkidsgetnervous #boys #WHY

After dinner I watch the 7 year-old sweep the kitchen while the other 7 year-old washes dishes, the 10 year-old unloads and then reloads the dishwasher and the 5 year-old tidies the living room. How does she do it? She doesn’t. She teaches them how to do it. It’s harder at first, but makes life much easier in the long run.

I put the good chocolate in my Unmentionables Drawer because that’s the only place my kids won’t feel free to look through.
#protip

Josh: I thought this would be gross, but I actually liked it!
#almostacompliment #dinnerwithkids

At this point I think I might just be playing a game of Christmas Light Chicken with my across the street neighbor.
#whowilltakethemdownfirst #procrastinatorsunite #sorryotherneighbors

Josh (10): Joel, when you’re at preschool, don’t say ANY bathroom words or you’ll have to go to the Safe Seat. That’s going to be hard because we taught you A LOT of bathroom words. . . Danny, maybe that wasn’t a good idea. . .
#YOUTHINK #boysareweird

Sometimes I’m all, “Oh, these days go by so fast! I’m just going to sit here and snuggle these precious kids.” and then I remember I’m the mom and if I don’t make dinner we’ll all starve.
#doesntmatterhowfastthetimegoeswestillhavetoeat

TOMS = slippers it’s acceptable to wear in public
cardigan = bathrobe it’s acceptable to wear in public
yoga pants/leggings = pajama pants that are acceptable to wear in public
I’m not sure if this is the end of the feminine graces as we know them or the beginning of a magical wonderland unspoiled by the patriarchy. Either way, I think I’m good.

Sometimes I can tell if a mom has a lot of boys. The giveaway is when she’s pouring her coffee and she unknowingly makes sound effects to go along with it.
#glubglubglubglub #Idoittoo

(3 year-old is brushing my hair and accidentally hits me in the nose with the brush)
Me: Ouch!
Carrie: Mom, you be brave. Be brave like me.
#loveher #sheisbrave

Million Dollar Idea: Target needs to have some kind of sit down restaurant inside their store so now all of us can make date night outings more efficient.
#yourewelcome #onetripinsteadoftwo #whydoalldatesendatTarget

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