3 year-old thinks snowflakes are called “Frosted Flakes.”
#soclose #momfail #deliciouslymistaken
(thinking to myself)
That’s it! I’m disconnecting from these stupid screens and doing something real! Yes! (slams shut laptop) I know! I’m going to BAKE something!
(remembers all my recipes are on my computer. . . )
Joel (5): Under my skin, am I just meat?
Me: Umm, yes?
Joel: So I’m really just a PROTEIN?
Walked into the living room to find it covered with every blanket we own and all the chairs. The kids look up and say, “It’s Fort-topia, Mom.” and give me the pleading eyes. THIS is why my house will never be featured in Better Homes and Gardens. And I’m okay with that.
Sometimes I try and cover up a lack of showering with an overabundance of perfume and jewelry.
The seven year-old made a basket so the two year-old stormed the court to hug him. I love my life.
For my birthday my brother-in-law wished me “Happy Uterine Independence Day.” Is there a class where they teach guys these jokes before they can become a brother-in-law?
So I’m not pulling the gray hairs out anymore, but is it okay to pray that they spontaneously fall out on their own?
(my three little ones are jumping into a pile of pillows)
Joel: This is great, Mom! You should really be a kid and test this. You should really be my age.
Me: So you said the kids can’t search the term “sex” but are there other words the district has blocked for elementary school kids?
Tech Guy: Yes, there are lots of them.
Me: Can I know the list of words we have blocked?
Tech Guy:. . . Um. . . You CAN, but I’m not sure I feel comfortable saying all those words to you right now.
Me:. . . Oh yeah. Sorry. That makes sense.
And that, my friends, is how I almost ended up hearing a lot of inappropriate words from a stranger during a conversation about internet safety for kids.
1 rounded Tablespoon coffee grounds + 6 oz. of water = coffee
I took a lot of math, but these seem to be the only equations that matter anymore.
Me: Oh shoot! Buddy, if you need to poop, don’t just poop in your pants. You need to come to me and tell me! What do we say if we need Mom to help us go potty?
Teddy:. . . Go Big Red!
The boys think his name his Qui-Gon Jim. . . which I like to imagine is Qui-Gon Jinn’s brother who is a mild mannered dentist or something.
Winona Ryder’s faces during the SAG awards are actually me listening to my ten year-old explain a playground disagreement about Minecraft.
If the caliber of my three year-old daughter’s flops when her brother touches her are any indication, she will have a long and successful career as a professional basketball player.