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When “Encouragement” Makes You Feel Like Garbage

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If I hear one more empowering mantra, I’m going to go into hibernation until this cultural moment has passed. I don’t know what is wrong with my brain wiring, but those things seem to have some kind of inverse impact on me. They tend to make me feel like I’m failing.

All the encouragement to do hard things or be brave or believe in myself tends to make me feel inadequate. Today, I don’t want to be brave or change the world. I just want to make the eggs for breakfast, not get swallowed by the ever-increasing laundry monster, and be kind to my kids. Can that just be enough?

My mom showed me some pictures the other day of my grandma on the farm. I just wondered about the thoughts going through her head. Was she feeling inadequate because she wasn’t out changing the world? Did she feel like she should be doing more? Being braver? Making sure everyone in her social circle knew where she stood on the controversial issues of the day? I looked at her wide smile, her floral print dress, her sensible shoes and it just seemed unlikely to me she was looking to the outside world to validate her role or her strength.

I don’t want to overly romanticize my grandma or your grandma or anybody’s grandma. I know they had their own struggles, but I do think their world was different in some ways. I think she was likely not struggling with the expectation of exceptionalism the way many women today struggle. Raising our kids isn’t good enough. Maintaining a home isn’t good enough. Working a job isn’t good enough. We imagine we are to be all things, and be them all while wearing four-inch heels and maintaining a perfectly contoured, wrinkle-free face.

No wonder we need all the encouraging mantras. How else are we supposed to keep functioning in a world that seems bent on reminding us of all the ways we aren’t measuring up. We need positive self-talk to keep us afloat when the expectations seem to keep pushing us under. But what if freedom isn’t found in trying to prove we can do the hard things and instead comes to those who opt out of the chaos of always hunting for the next hard thing to do? What if we find our power not in embracing our inner all-knowing goddess, but in accepting our own limitations? What if we lived a YOLO life in all the best ways— finding joy in the moment we’re experiencing instead of wishing it could be grander and more exceptional?

I want to raise kids who become content adults. I know there will be struggles in their lives. They will encounter difficult circumstances and they will fight their own demons. I don’t want to add to their world this pressure for perfection. Sometimes mediocrity with joy and contentment is better than a restless striving for what is always out of reach.

I have done hard things. I have changed my little corner of the world. I have been fierce and brave and I have seen the fulfillment of dreams I dreamed my whole life. I didn’t do it with the help of mantras and empowering self-talk. I didn’t do it by reaching for the stars and not settling until I got there. I did it one little, faithful step at a time. A letter written. A diaper changed. Meetings attended. Research done. Sandwiches made.

That’s where I find my camaraderie with my grandma. It’s in the simple things we do for the people we love. It’s in the faithful, quiet acts that impact our world. If it’s in gathering up the eggs, caring for our families, or meeting with state senators to discuss the needs of foster kids, we do it in love. One simple step at a time.

Maybe I don’t need encouragement that I can do more, I need encouragement to be okay with doing less. Would I still be loved if I didn’t do all the things I have come to believe define me? Would my life run more smoothly and would I have happier kids if I stopped looking at life as a series of competitions I have to win? Could I find beauty and joy in the ordinary of my life if I didn’t believe something more extraordinary is around the corner if I just work hard enough?

I’m staying away from the kind of “encouragement” that makes me feel like I’m not doing enough. I want to be intentional about giving the kind of encouragement that helps women find contentment and beauty in their present moment. So women, I gift you with your inspirational phrase for the day:

Just do the next right thing. Then maybe have a snack.

 

 

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