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Dear Son, Our Work Together Isn’t Done Yet

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I woke up early to come wake you up. Even though you don’t need me to. Even though you’re capable of waking up on your own to your own alarm clock in your own room. Every day you become more independent and every day I’m wondering what my role is in your life. My motherhood job description keeps changing and I’m doing my best to keep up and change accordingly.

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So I woke up to wake you up so we could spend some early morning moments as just the two of us, the way it used to be before all the other kids came along. I treasure these times of hearing your heart and laughing at your jokes. It’s important to me to know what’s going on in your life— what classes you love, where you’re struggling, and what your friends are up to. But today we didn’t have any of those conversations.

Today we spent all of our 20 minutes alone together arguing. About breakfast cereal.

We didn’t have the kind you like so nothing else could be discussed. We needed to talk about how “dumb” our current selection of breakfast cereals is. How it isn’t fair that I don’t have to eat breakfast if I don’t want to, but you have to eat breakfast. Then while I was making coffee, you poured the sugary cereal you knew you weren’t supposed to have first. I turned around, saw what you did and poured it back in the box. You sighed and huffed even though you knew the family rules about cereal choices. You poured a bowl of approved cereal and acted like it was eating poison to have to choke it down. You grunted and groaned your way through and then left the table. . . leaving a mostly full bowl of cereal behind. I called you back. You stomped and whined. You finished the cereal. You went off to school.

For a brief moment I thought that unthinkable thought— What if this is the last interaction I have with you. Life is short and unpredictable. What if something happened to you or me today? Would I forever regret spending that 20 minutes debating the merits of breakfast cereal vs. other breakfast options? Would I wish I had let it go or just made you whatever else you wanted?

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