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Adoption is Not the Happy Ending. It’s the Beginning.

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*These were my remarks to honor the Nebraska Governor’s proclamation of National Adoption Awareness Month at our state capital.* 

When we first pursued adoption, it was because we wanted to be parents and that was not working out in the way that it typically does. During that time we were working in a group home with teenage boys that we weren’t able to provide permanency for because they were not legally adoptable. Through that experience we knew we could love children that weren’t biologically ours and we knew we were passionate about being parents. Even when the process was difficult, that driving desire to be able to offer love and home and family kept us going.  

So about 17 years ago we began the international adoption process that lead us to our oldest son and then we became licensed foster parents which eventually allowed us to adopt four more children and we’re currently providing foster care for a sibling of our daughters’. Along with our two biological children, that means we are a family of eight. This wasn’t our plan, but it’s so much better than what we ever dreamed for our family.

When we entered the adoption world, we were excited to become parents, but like every first time mom and dad, we were unaware of how much it would change our world. The ways parenthood changed us were sometimes familiar and expected. We learned how our child liked to be fed and what his favorite stuffed animal was and which lullabies were most soothing. But we have also been uniquely shaped by parenthood through adoption in less familiar ways. The act of adoption is a moment that happens one time before a judge when we become family- before the law, before God and through our deep love for each other we make a lifelong commitment. But that one moment has shaped so much of who our family has become. We’ve learned what it means to be trauma informed parents. We’ve learned how to answer the hard questions our kids ask, but most of all, we’ve learned how to make space.

We’ve made space for relationships with biological parents that we value and respect. We’ve made space for education as we seek to help our kids get their needs met in their schools, churches, and relationships and as we seek to always be learning how to best support them. We’ve made space for advocacy work as we’ve partnered with organizations in Nebraska to help clarify laws and policies that benefit foster children and adoptees. We’ve made space for volunteer opportunities as I’ve worked as a member of a Foster Care Review board to use the experiences we’ve gained to help other children and families as they navigate a complicated system. We’ve made space for our kids to come to their own conclusions about adoption as they hold in tension the beauty of what our family is and the grief of what they lost. We’ve made space for listening to adult adoptees and those who know more than we do about the culture and history of our children. And we’ve made space for siblings as we’ve gotten surprise phone calls about children who need to be raised together.  

Adoption allowed us the opportunity to meet as strangers and legally become family. We chose our children, but we are very aware that as they get older, they have choices to make too. They can choose us. And we want to be the kind of parents they want to choose as we work to model for them love, empathy, forgiveness, and grace. Adoption has given us the great gift of getting to be their family and there is not a day that we take it for granted. 

We also regularly remember the kids out there just like ours who are still waiting for a family to call their own. They have challenges and strengths and becoming their family will change the kind of parents you are too. You’ll learn and grow in ways you didn’t expect, but that will make you the kind of person you always needed to become. 

Adoption is not the happy ending to a child’s story, because it is just the beginning. Families like mine can thrive when we have the love, understanding and support of our community around us through knowledgeable teachers, empathetic therapists, nurturing grandparents, encouraging coaches, and listening friends. While only some of us will end up fostering or adopting children, there is a role for everyone in our community to play when it comes to helping these kids and families flourish. We are grateful for the many people who have actively supported our family and loved our kids well. These kids are totally worth the investment and they already talk about how they want to advocate for other kids in the future. 

I may be biased, but I think each of my kids are the absolute best human beings God ever made and I’m forever thankful I get to be their mom.

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