Adjusting my Prayers

I go to a chiropractor.  I started during my pregnancy to deal with some back pain and to hopefully help get Joel in the right position for birth. . . well, we tried.  I still go occasionally and if there’s one thing I’ve learned it’s that I am a bad chiropractic patient.  I can NOT let go.  I can’t relax and just let somebody adjust me.  This is also a problem I’ve had when I’ve gotten a pedicure.  Am I the only one that has a hard time just releasing my foot into that lady’s hand?

So as I was laying on the table getting adjusted this last week, and something was seeming familiar.  He was telling me to relax.  And I was trying.  I mean, I really thought I was relaxing.  And when I finally did get all the way relaxed I realized it seems like I am under the mistaken impression that it takes conscious effort on my part to keep my head attached to my body.  If I totally relax and let go, won’t my head just roll off?  Like I have no autonomous nervous system and I think I am responsible for every heartbeat, every blink, every breath.  I can’t control my circumstances so I think sometimes my desire for control becomes this crazy desire to be in charge of every aspect of me.

This reminded me of the book study we’re doing on prayer with some ladies from my church.  This week we’re talking about coming to God helpless.  How we often want to be all put together and perfect before we approach God.  For me, that means feeling like I have my life under control before I pray.  But I am learning more and more that I can’t control this life of mine and when I can come to God in my helplessness I’m giving Him the freedom to be in control instead of acting like I’m doing it all on my own.  Because if I’m capable of keeping my head on top of my neck, controlling each beat of my heart, running this life smoothly- who needs God?  Sometimes God knows we need to have that reminder.

Right now He’s working through my child.  We’re struggling to deal with some behaviors that are challenging.  They aren’t surprising given the climate this child came from, but it is bringing me to my knees in a way nothing else could.  I can imagine what the future looks like for a child that struggles this way and it’s not pretty.  I desperately want to see us make progress and have answers and I am learning that outside of the intervention of God we are in trouble.  I need His wisdom on a minute by minute basis to help me be the consistent mom I need to be and to help my child respond with a right heart. No amount of control on my part is going to do it.

I’m learning to be thankful for this level of helplessness.  Running the world is too big of a job for me.  Seriously- I can’t even keep my head on straight.  Just ask my chiropractor.