A Musing Maralee

May 23, 2013
by Maralee
4 Comments

“Bread and Jam for Frances” (everything I need to know about picky eaters)

My parenting philosophy has been shaped by a few key influences: The Bible, my parents, and the written works of Russell and Lillian Hoban. What’s that you say? You aren’t familiar with the works of Russell and Lillian Hoban? Well, don’t bother looking for their books in the parenting section of the library. You won’t find scholarly articles they’ve written if you do a brief internet search. But they have managed to bring a face to many common parenting problems through their series of “Frances” books. How to handle a jealous older sibling when a new baby comes along? Handled it. Fights between friends? Handled it and handled it. Child won’t go to bed? Handled it. I seriously love these books.

So what about picky eaters? I think “Bread and Jam for Frances” does an excellent job at illustrating a couple key parenting principles for dealing with your child who is having a tough time with new foods.

(I am aware that sometimes food preferences are an indication of more serious issues. I have a child with some sensory quirks and there are food textures we just don’t do. I understand that and it’s no trouble to create a healthy meal plan for him without those foods. I also understand there are kids who are using meals as a time to exert some control. This post is meant to deal with the child who is hesitant to try new foods, but without a specific issue. Bon Appetit!)

–Offer lots of foods to try. I love that in the book meals include a variety of foods. Meats, fruits, vegetables, breads, and desserts are all offered. Frances and her father even discuss different kinds of ways to prepare eggs and the pros and cons of each. Lesson for you: Let your kids see you enjoying different foods. Put things on the table that you don’t think they’ll like just so they get the chance to surprise you. Talk to your kids about foods and their preferences. Help them think through why they enjoy the foods they do.

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May 22, 2013
by Maralee
3 Comments

Parenting tip of the day #9- the punishment fits the crime

I would not call myself a creative person. I can’t draw, sew, or bake. I write, but mostly I’m just rehashing my life which doesn’t exactly feel creative. But there is one area where I have gotten quite creative- coming up with consequences.

In our group home days we didn’t have a lot of go-to consequences we could use. Our employers gave us a list of things we could NOT do based on the issues our kids were likely to have. They made sense, although most parents wouldn’t be limited in their discipline options in that way. We couldn’t have the kids do physical labor because we wanted them to learn the value of hard work and not see it as a punishment. We couldn’t withhold food as a consequence (i.e. “You’re going to bed without supper!”) because some of these kids came from extreme poverty or homes where food had been used manipulatively. We couldn’t take away tv privileges because we didn’t watch tv. As you can see, it got tricky.

So the goal of our consequences was always to make them as logical as possible. We wanted to make the punishment fit the crime. This requires a fair bit of creativity, but when you can do it right you are in a much better position to reinforce why the problem behavior needs to stop. (I have previously talked about letting your child pick the consequence, which is another variation on prioritizing your child’s ability to connect their actions with the consequences. I like both options and use them interchangeably.)

So here are some examples:

Behavior: You walked outside in your socks and now they’re filthy.

Consequence: You will help me do the laundry tonight.

(Clothes don’t wash themselves. If you want to get yours extra dirty, you can help clean them.)

Behavior: You ruined your sister’s favorite coloring book.

Consequence: You will help your sister clean her room.

(You were disrespectful to her things. You will now show care for her things.)

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May 21, 2013
by Maralee
4 Comments

What makes parenting hard? Kids.

I love being a mom, but sometimes I think I’d be much better at it if it weren’t for all these kids. Imagine how clean I could keep the house! I could take all the time I wanted to prepare an amazing dinner without having to stop in the middle to referee arguments about who is stronger- Spiderman or Iron Man. If these kids weren’t always underfoot I might actually fill in their baby books or decorate a color-coordinated nursery. How great would that be?

But that’s not how it works. All the tasks I have to accomplish must be done with my precious kids running around my ankles. While this makes every task take longer, it also allows me a thousand opportunities a day to model patience and love for them. I could probably make a more delicious dinner if I didn’t try to include the four year-old in mixing and measuring, but I also would have lost the opportunity to teach him some important life skills, like the difference between sugar and salt.

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May 20, 2013
by Maralee
3 Comments

Foster Shame

Everyone knows foster care is hard. If you didn’t know it going in, you’d know it by the time you told the first person you were going to foster parent. We’ve all heard the responses or even said them ourselves. “I could never do that.” “How could you ever stand to give the child back?” “Those kids come with all kinds of problems.” “I’d never want to deal with those parents.” “You really want the government involved with your family?” “The system is SO messed up.”

While it’s discouraging to hear those responses, there’s a nugget of truth in each one. This IS a hard process. Parents, caseworkers, lawyers, “the system”, even the kids themselves can be difficult to deal with. We persevere because we believe caring for kids who need the love and consistency of a family is the right thing to do, not because this is an easy process. But that doesn’t mean we don’t need support.

Finding family members or a support network of friends who understand foster care can be a major challenge. Without a supportive community willing to walk this road with you, it is tough to find the strength to walk through it yourself. Sometimes it’s hard to find friends who are willing to invest in your foster child and come alongside you because they don’t understand the struggles you’re going through. And sometimes that’s our own fault.

I think foster parents often struggle with what I call “foster shame”. We go into this process hoping for the best, but knowing the worst is probably waiting for us. We hear the concerns of our friends and family that we’re bound to get our heart broken, but we continue on because we believe we’re called to help. But what happens when we DO get our hearts broken? Who can we turn to? It feels difficult to go to our friends who questioned our decision to do this in the first place because we feel this foster shame. We feel everyone is thinking, “You brought this on yourself, you know. If you’d just quit you wouldn’t be going through this.” How can you share your honest pains with someone when you think their solution might be for you to quit doing the thing you feel you’ve been called to do? Do we really feel we should only do the things that are easy?

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May 19, 2013
by Maralee
Comments Off on A Life in Status- May #3, 2013

A Life in Status- May #3, 2013

(It’s funny because it’s true.)

Daughter: DANNY! I’m gonna tell Grama on you!
Her version of tattling. Grama takes her more seriously than Mommy does.

Daughter: Look! Mommy, look! Hey, I throwing a fit. See! Look!
When you’re a middle child, you have to make it really clear when you’re upset or else it might just go unnoticed.
#notlikely

The only little girl in a family of boys WILL refer to her pink, ruffled, sparkly bathing suit as her “swimming trunks”.

Note to self: Wait until after The Baby has emptied the dirt out of his hand before picking him up and telling him it’s time to come inside.
#momneedsashower

When I’m organizing the toys, does Optimus Prime go with the cars or the superheroes?
#organizedmomproblems

It’s too hot to cook. I just wish it was too hot to eat.

The dentist showed the kids a plastic chicken toy to keep them entertained while I was getting my teeth cleaned.
Dentist: Do you have a chicken at home?
Daughter: I only has a dog.
Dentist: Does he lay eggs?
Daughter: No. He only pees.
Well, you can’t argue with the truth.

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May 18, 2013
by Maralee
5 Comments

Imaginary ER Doctor Conversations

Am I the only one who has imaginary conversations with Emergency Room doctors while I watch my children play?*

Conversation 1

Doctor: So, how did this happen?

Me: Well. . . um. . . you see, they were playing this game called “Real Angry Birds”.

Doctor: And?

Me: Well, they made this tower of all the big plastic toys from the backyard and then they were launching themselves off of the swings to try and knock them over.

Doctor: And this seemed like a good idea to you?

Me: Um. . .no? I guess not.

Conversation 2

Doctor: So the baby was unsupervised when this happened?

Me: Not exactly. I was there, I just wasn’t thinking about how if he carried cups of water all over the house at some point he would probably spill it and then slip.

Doctor: So he was really thirsty?

Me: Um. . . no. I just was tired of hearing him cry so I kind of let him do whatever he wanted while I tried to make dinner.

Doctor:. . . Right. . .

Conversation 3

Doctor: Is he missing a tooth?

Me: Yes. . . you see they wanted to know if you could ride a cardboard box down the stairs. I guess in hindsight I probably should have stopped them. . . it kind of did look like fun.

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May 17, 2013
by Maralee
Comments Off on Parenting and Forgiveness radio interview

Parenting and Forgiveness radio interview

You can listen to my thoughts on parenting and forgiveness here.

Here’s a summary of the topics we covered:

-Don’t push your kids to offer forgiveness before they’re ready.

-You may have to forgive your kids for intentional or unintentional hurts.

-You can’t forgive what you don’t acknowledge.

-Do we ever have to “forgive” God for pain he allowed in our life?

-What are the unique issues involved in dealing with forgiveness with adopted kids.

-Forgiveness and trust are not the same thing.

-Sometimes we need to forgive before our emotions are resolved about a situation.

May 16, 2013
by Maralee
1 Comment

Oatmeal and my hard heart

I am not a morning person. I have had to develop some coping mechanisms just to survive the craziness of getting a child off to school and handling three other little ones who can’t completely feed or dress themselves without assistance yet. For me, that coping mechanism is oatmeal. It’s easy to prepare, it’s nutritious, and I have made it often enough that I think I could do it in my sleep. . in fact, I probably have.

But there’s something I’ve noticed with oatmeal- when the kids are done eating if I rinse the dishes right away, it’s a simple clean-up process. If I let it sit for just ten minutes, that oatmeal dries into some kind of paste that the Israelites probably could have used to make the pyramids. And it’s in those moments where I’m paying for my sin of laziness by scrubbing down another oatmeal pot that I am reminded of my many other sins.

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May 15, 2013
by Maralee
5 Comments

Parenting Tip of the Day #8- Let them teach you

I am a big fan of pre teaching. I feel it’s important to let kids know the expectations before you go into a situation so they know how to be successful. I have developed a pre teaching vocabulary to help my kids know that their good behavior is important.

Before an event I tell my kids that they are going to teach me something. They are going to teach me if it’s a good idea to go to library story time, or take them shopping, or to the park. They are going to teach me if it’s a good idea to give them an extra privilege or reward when we get home. They will teach me if they need a nap now. My goal is to help them connect their behavior to the consequences even before they happen. Even while an event is happening (I am using the word “event” very loosely) I will say to them (in as detached a voice as I can muster), “Interesting. Well, this definitely teaches me that we may not be ready for making our own breakfast if we’re going to choose to dump cereal on the ground and not clean it up.”

Do you love taking your kids to the park? I’m going to be honest and say that’s not my favorite thing. Having four young kids means going to the park feels like releasing a pack of cats and then trying to round them back up again. So here’s how this “you’re teaching me” language may sound if we’re going to the park.

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May 14, 2013
by Maralee
17 Comments

Day 29

Men, we’re about to address a topic you may not want to hear about. You have my permission to close your eyes and click on back to something you may find more interesting. It’s okay.

Is it just the girls now? Okay, here’s the reality– at some point every woman has a Day 29. Maybe you have a shorter cycle and your “Day 29” is actually a Day 25 or maybe you have longer cycles and it’s actually a Day 32, but you know what I’m talking about. I’m talking about the day you officially know you’re “late”.

For the infertile woman, this is the worst day of the month. Each Day 1 is a little grieving moment and then you’re back on track. Maybe this month will be different. 14 days to go and then you can try it all again. Or if you’ve let go of the hope of pregnancy altogether that grief moment is really short and then you move on. The first year or two was agony on Day 1, but by the 100th month of that cycle repeating, it’s hard to get worked up to the same level of sadness.

Except when there’s a Day 29.

Every woman has the odd long cycle. There will be times where a Day 29 will show up in your life, but for the infertile woman it brings with it an incredible amount of hope. By the end of the day you have figured out a potential birthdate (and thought about all the possible implications of that birthdate), contemplated a name for a boy or girl, and in your mind started to move the furniture around to figure out where to put the crib. It’s a day of incredible hope—against all the odds, against all the doctor’s advice, against your better judgement.

And this hope feels so risky. I hate the hope. I hate the excitement and how I won’t drink my regular cup of caffeinated coffee and can’t focus on my normal tasks. I hate how I long for this phantom baby with my whole heart and yet I’m terrified of what a pregnancy would mean for my body or my life. I’ve known the loss of two precious babies very early in pregnancy and this loss makes the hope seem even more ridiculous.

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