Gary Chapman has a great book that most of us have been exposed to at some point. In his book “The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts” he details what he perceives to be the five ways people give and receive love. He uses five categories: quality time, words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service, or physical touch. When we were going through premarital counseling it was easy for me to see how I most wanted to express love and how I most wanted to be loved. Those were the days before I had toddlers.
I imagine when Chapman sat down to write this book he probably didn’t have mashed banana smeared on his shoulder from where someone wiped a face directly after breakfast. He probably wasn’t up four times in the night taking somebody to the bathroom, soothing after a bad dream, answering a question about the next day’s activities, and giving one last hug. I’m guessing when Chapman needed a bathroom break, he probably took one. Alone.
So in trying to help my husband understand exactly how I would most like to see love expressed towards me and how I am likely to express love these days, I am coming up with the 5 Love Languages of the Mom of Toddlers. Your Mom of Toddlers would like to see love expressed in one (or more!) of these five ways:
Quality Time In the Bathroom: If someone could just corral the kids for five minutes away from the bathroom so I could take care of one of the most basic biological human needs in privacy, I would see that as an act of love. Even when you manage to get into the bathroom alone, that never stops a toddler from yelling your name, banging on the wall or poking their fingers under the door. My little Liberian is famous for asking “You see little chocolate fingers?” while wiggling them under the door in the direction of the mom in the bathroom. And why is it always while you’re in the bathroom that your toddlers decide to take all the produce out of the refrigerator or attempt to run the vaccum on their own? What a sense of peace we would have if we knew kids were taken care of and we could maybe even apply makeup or *gasp* take a bath without an audience.
Sleep: You didn’t know sleep was a love language? It is. It just is. I feel no greater love for my husband than when he handles a middle of the night issue with the kids. You want your wife to feel loved? Tuck her in bed one night and zealously protect her sleep. You become the guardian of the bedroom door and don’t let anything past it that could disturb her. (Ladies, here’s my trick for dealing with the husband who says he “doesn’t hear” the baby crying in the night or the kids calling out– you poke him pretty firmly in the ribs. You’ve got to do it quickly so he doesn’t really know what woke him up. Then you roll back over and pretend to be asleep. Low and behold, he’s awake and hearing a crying baby and just maybe he’ll get up and handle it. Not that I have ever done such a thing. . . )
Food I Didn’t Cook: I make a lot of meals. The quick math would be to say that I make three meals a day. I am absolutely not a parent that makes separate meals for kids according to their preferences, but the baby can’t eat what the toddlers eat, I don’t always want to eat meals crafted for toddlers, and I end up being responsible for making lunches for my husband to take to work and my oldest to take to school. So instead of making a total of 21 meals a week, I am making closer to 70 different meals a week. That’s craziness. So if you want to really show appreciation to a woman who is the executive chef at your home, either take on a night of cooking yourself or take that lady out for some food love. I have come to the firm conclusion that the best tasting meal is one I didn’t cook. Not because I’m a bad cook, just because the relaxation level of not being responsible for the cooking makes any meal more wonderful.
Quiet: Who knew love could be so simple? A mom of toddlers would like some quiet. No Sesame Street songs. No arguments over who got the bigger cookie. No noisy toys. Achieving this level of quiet may mean you need to take the kids out of the house. And maybe even down the street or for a ride in the car. I’m feeling my stress melt away just thinking about it. mmmmmmmmmmmmm
Adult Conversation: A mom of toddlers would like to know that her brain still functions for some purpose other than matching socks. Engaging a mom of toddlers in a meaningful conversation and acting like she might have something of importance to add? That says love. And engaging yourself in what has meaning in her world today i.e. “You are not going to be believe what kind of stain I got out of that shirt– cherry juice! For real, the juice of a cherry! You don’t think you’re going to get it out and then some pretreating and BAM! It’s gone! Amazing, I know.” will strengthen your bond and encourage her that what she’s doing really matters.
So how does a mom of toddlers show love? That’s the subject for another post.
How do you want to have love shown to you? What “love language” did I leave out here? Do share.
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