A Musing Maralee

June 18, 2013
by Maralee
5 Comments

“Somebody wanted us” (thoughts on processing adoption)

Photo by Rebecca TredwayOutside the courthouse after Danny's adoption

I believe adoptees. I believe them all. The ones who are hurt. The ones who feel rejected. The ones who say they aren’t curious about their bio family. The ones who wish they hadn’t been adopted. The ones who feel they were always meant to be in the families that raised them. I have learned that each adoptee’s feelings about adoption are created by a very complex interaction of the circumstances of their adoption, the supportiveness and love of their adoptive family, how adoption was explained to them, their beliefs about God’s sovereignty, the facts about their bio family, and their own personality.

It’s not that someone has “right” beliefs about adoption and somebody has “wrong” beliefs about adoption, it’s that each of us has a view of adoption that is nearly impossible to distinguish from our experience of adoption. I realize that I am an advocate for adoption because it has been a really beautiful thing in my life (as an adoptive parent), but I also realize my kids may have very different feelings about it. One may be thankful while another is resentful. I can do my best to love them and help them understand adoption in positive ways, but ultimately their feelings belong to them. I want to be respectful of however they come to feel about their adoptions even if I disagree. Of course, I will always speak truth to them about their adoptions, which I hope will help, but how they feel about that truth isn’t up to me.

So in that spirit, I wanted to present you with two thoughts on processing adoption.

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June 17, 2013
by Maralee
1 Comment

A Life in Status- June #2, 2013

(Come along for the ride.)

Four year-old was not thrilled with the dinner I prepared tonight. I hear him mutter to himself, “The food at Grama’s house is delicious.” I hold myself back from reminding him that Grama doesn’t have to referee fights and change diapers while she cooks.

Had to teach Josh the difference between the words “tall” and “humongous” i.e. “Mom, that maxi dress makes you look TALL” instead of “Mom, that maxi dress makes you look HUMONGOUS.”
You can thank me later, Josh’s Future Wife.

Daughter: I don’t want to put my clothes away!
Me: Oh, well I guess I’ll just do everything myself today.
Daughter: Thanks Mom!
Briefly forgot that toddlers don’t get sarcasm.

Daughter: Hey Danny, you wanna marry me?
Danny: Yeah. Okay.
Me: Guys, that’s SO sweet and I know you already are good at getting along and being kind to each other, but brothers and sisters can’t marry each other.
Daughter: Okay. (whispering) Danny, you wanna marry me?
Danny: (whispering) Yeah.
And then they hugged.
I am dying of the cuteness.

I know the saying is “every rose has its thorns” but who has time for rose maintenance? Around here we know “every peony has its ant.”

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June 14, 2013
by Maralee
4 Comments

Parenting Tip of the Day #11- Take a “one-down”

I don’t like yelling. I don’t like to do it myself and I don’t like to hear it from my kids. I can’t always control how loud my kids are, but I can control my own responses. I know if I’m yelling, it isn’t because I decided that was a good response to my current situation (unless my current situation is that my kids are across the park from me and I need to get their attention), but it’s how I respond when I’m losing control. I get more and more agitated until I realize I’m now yelling like a crazy lady and it makes me even more frustrated to know I let things get out of hand at that level.

So if you’re a mom who is tired of yelling, I’m going to tell you how I handle the interactions that start getting heated.

In college I had a counseling professor I thought was great– a good mix of academic instruction and some really practical advice. He talked about how when a counseling situation is getting more and more intense and a client is starting to direct anger at you, it’s a good idea to “take a one-down.” In this situation, that means finding their intensity level and being sure you keep yours always a step lower than theirs. He also recommended doing this when handling conflict in your marriage. Your spouse is ratcheting up the intensity, so you need to dial back if you don’t want things to get out of control. Your child’s volume and emotions are at a 10? You be at a 9 (or less). As the situation gets more heated, you get cooler.

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June 13, 2013
by Maralee
1 Comment

Your TherMOMeter Child

I have been blessed to help raise a bunch of kids over the last decade. I’ve seen lots of personality types and have learned that the ease at which an adult bonds with a child is very specific to how they relate to each other. It was fascinating to watch as new kids came into our lives and new adults got involved in providing services for these kids, different types of personalities tended to gravitate towards each other. Over the years of working with kids I have had a couple children in my life who I have described as “thermometer children”. Do you have one?

These kids have been especially easy for me to connect with, although they were not at all “easy” children. They were/are the kinds of kids that like to cause trouble. They had a hard time thinking through the longterm consequences of their actions and were often ruled by their emotions. They were affectionate and loving, but also angry and frustrating. They were honest and genuine to a fault. We got along beautifully.

But I noticed something about these kids. When they were dealing with other adults it was easy for me to see this “thermometer” trait in their relationships. We know thermometers don’t make us have fevers, they just let us know how sick we already were. I think these kids have a similar effect. Let me explain-

When an adult who had a quick temper is partnered with a child like this, they are quickly pushed to their breaking point. It is really hard to keep your cool or hide your flaws when you’re working with this child. I originally thought this was a problem with the child (and of course, it is in lots of ways). I thought my naughty kid was bringing out the worst in this adult. After watching this progression of behavior happen multiple times in different scenarios I started rethinking my original assessment- maybe this child wasn’t bringing out some new behavior in this adult, but was reflecting back the problems this adult already had. These kids function like thermometers, reading the temperature and displaying it back for you to see. And sometimes it isn’t pretty.

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June 11, 2013
by Maralee
1 Comment

“You get that from me.”

Before Mother’s Day I wrote about how it can be difficult to not fit the typical idea of what “family” looks like. My kids who look like me enjoy certain privileges. They don’t have to explain their adoptions at every turn and can blend in with the crowd when they want to. Their lives aren’t necessarily easier than the lives of my kids who don’t look like me, but there are ways their lives are simpler.

So how do you handle it when there are some kids in your family that seem to “fit” physically with you and your spouse and some that don’t? How do you help draw your kids in who may naturally feel a little out?

(Photo by Rebecca Tredway)
One of my favorites from the maternity photos we did before the birth of our youngest

Emphasize what you share. The biggest part is affirming ways that your children are “just like daddy/mommy” wherever you see them. Josh (our African) loves to talk about how when he goes grocery shopping with me he always organizes his little cart so nothing gets squished, just like daddy does (and not at all like me!). We talk about how Danny loves animals and cooking like I do and has a goofy sense of humor just like his dad. And of course with my daughter I talk a lot about how we are the girls and what draws us together that way. We are very intentional about seeing those similarities and pointing them out to our kids. It takes a little extra effort, but it’s good to draw them into your family by pointing out the family resemblances that may be more than skin deep.

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June 10, 2013
by Maralee
1 Comment

Reverse Engineering a Life

Our family enjoys “Phineas and Ferb”. . . and I don’t just mean the kids enjoy it. I’ve found it to be one of the few current cartoons that encourages creativity, hard work, and family relationships. And it makes me laugh.

So there’s this one episode where they introduce the concept of “reverse engineering”. Technically, it refers to concepts way too complicated for me to grasp (how to understand software and machines and other techy-type stuff), but the concept itself is very familiar to all of us. You know when you go out to eat and think “I could cook that!” and then you go home and you do? Reverse engineering- you saw the finished product first and then figured out how to recreate it. Cute find at a craft fair that you realize you have all the skills and components for at home? Reverse engineer it!

This is also how I think about my life. When I’m faced with a parenting challenge I don’t just ask myself how I want to see this current situation resolved, but what kind of men and women I want to raise. Sometimes that means committing to a harder road because I want to see deep change and not just a peaceful current situation.

I was thinking about this “reverse engineering” concept a lot this weekend. On Saturday I found out my aunt died. My dad said when they watched the monitors and saw her heartbeat slowly come to a stop, he felt like applauding. It may seem a strange reaction to the death of somebody you love, but for my aunt this was a release from a lot of physical pain and now we trust that she is receiving the rewards of a life well lived. Applause for her life of faithfulness right to the end would have been appropriate.

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June 9, 2013
by Maralee
1 Comment

A Life in Status- June #1, 2013

(If you don’t believe me, come see for yourself here or here)

Ways to make people uncomfortable:
Casually mention that you have children with four different fathers. Fail to mention that three of your kids are adopted.

Danny came home from VBS singing “Deep and Wide” except with the words “Beans and Rice”. I’m not sure if he didn’t understand the song or if VBS has a cooking theme this year.

Me: We’re having a special dinner tonight- chicken and dumplings!
Daughter: Oh! I LOVE chicken and ducklings!
#carnivore

Thought it would be so fun to just have one kid this morning (others are at VBS or with grandparents). Forgot one kid alone is way more work than a kid with a sibling.
#wheredideverybodygotantrum

Taking a extra minute to put on mascara before picking up the boys and realizing that to a VBS worker the prettiest mom is the on time mom.

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June 7, 2013
by Maralee
12 Comments

Dante’s Inferno for Moms (a.k.a. The Library)

Let’s get something out of the way first: You love the library. Your kids are awesomely well behaved. They have a lust for learning and feel the library is their home away from home. Fantastic. We’re all very proud of you. (Or maybe you work at the library. Bless you.)

And then there’s the rest of us.

The library is such an awesome idea in theory. IN THEORY. You can borrow books! You can bring them back and get more books! Kid books! Reference books! Fiction and non! Cookbooks, audio books, and you can even sit and read a magazine. What could go wrong?

And then you try to bring young kids to the library.

The library has a value system that is totally foreign to your average young child. The Library wants you to be quiet. It places a high priority on keeping things orderly (like VERY specifically and alphabetically). It does not want you to bring in a baggie of Cheerios, wet your pants, have access to a crayon, or have need of a trashcan. It is basically a place designed by old ladies for old ladies. And also for college students who are exceptionally good at sneaking in food and casually sleeping in library chairs.

The toddler value system places a high priority on VOLUME! ENERGY! Creating mess out of what was orderly and chaos out of what was calm. They will attempt to do this in your home, at the grocery store, at Grandma’s house, the church nursery, how much more at the library?

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June 6, 2013
by Maralee
64 Comments

GIVEAWAY TIME! (from Sawdust and Diamonds)*CLOSED

When I was very little my mom would hold me in her lap and say, “Will you always be small enough to fit in my nest?” As I got older we both realized that while I would always be in her heart, my days of snuggling in her lap were numbered. It’s a phrase and idea I’ve carried into my own parenting and I treasure the days that all my little ones can still fit here in my nest. Some day these little birdies will fly the coop, but I hope they’ll always find their way back here when they need me.

So I was especially touched when I saw a friend post a link to a sweet necklace that looked like a nest with little eggs inside. I was even more impressed when I saw that the woman who created this necklace often donates a portion of her proceeds to families pursuing adoption. I had to know more.

I had so much fun poking around the Sawdust and Diamonds Facebook page and checking out the beautiful stuff she makes. I especially love that you can customize your necklace. Do you have three kids? Three little eggs can go in that nest. Do you have two kids with blue eyes and two kids with brown eyes? Two blue eggs and two brown eggs. More than four kids? A pea pod can accommodate that. I am also always on the lookout for gifts that would be appropriate to give when someone has lost a baby. I loved thinking about someone being able to wear a representation of that little baby that’s forever in their heart even if that child never made it to their arms.

For me, I was thrilled to be able to customize mine with four little eggs in shades that match the beautiful skin tones of my kids. As a multi-racial family, it is REALLY hard to find anything that represents what my family looks like. Remember when you wanted to buy a nameplate for the back of your bike and they never made them with your name? (Wait, maybe that’s just a problem for Maralees) It’s like that all the time for my family when it comes to finding how we look represented (which is also why I gave my kids names you’d be likely find on nameplates and pencils and Christmas ornaments). I really can’t tell you how excited the kids were when this came in the mail. They knew exactly which “egg” represented them as soon as they saw it. They love to point to each one and list off the kids in our family. It makes me so happy.

It’s been great to get to know Rachel’s work at Sawdust and Dimaonds, and it’s been fun to get know her as a person, too. You’re going to love this girl. So here’s what you need to know about Rachel Joy Watson of Sawdust and Diamonds:

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June 5, 2013
by Maralee
2 Comments

Parenting Tip of the day #10- Be Brief

Parenting is emotional. Being a kid is emotional. Conflict is emotional. Let’s throw that all together and see what comes out. Yep. Emotions.

Have you ever tried to have a reasonable dialogue with your kids when emotions are running high? What about when they’ve had a major behavioral meltdown and you need to discuss it with them. If your experiences have been anything like mine, it does not go smoothly. So here’s my tip for today: When talking to your child about their behavior in a heated moment BE BRIEF. Be really brief. Be unbelievably brief.

I have learned this lesson over the years just because I found that it worked, but it was great to hear that wisdom backed up by a child psychologist during a training as part of keeping our foster license updated. She discussed how when children are in a heightened emotional state, they are mostly thinking with their brainstems (fight or flight), so there is really no point in reasoning with them in that moment. Tell them their behavior was inappropriate, give them a consequence, then come back to discuss it with them when they’ve calmed down. And on the other hand, there are the kids who would love nothing more than to detour you into a lengthy debate about their choices to delay the consequence as long as possible. Don’t follow them into that.

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