Welcome to my circus.

January 29, 2013
by Maralee
7 Comments

When “Natural” Just Isn’t

I remember leaving the lactation consultant’s office with my mom right behind me.  She was kind enough to drive me to my appointment since I was still within the two week window post c-section where I couldn’t drive myself.  My husband decided to keep the older three kids with him so I could just focus in during this appointment and hopefully figure out what was wrong with our current feeding arrangement for our baby.  It was a very enlightening, but also long and frustrating appointment full of possible tricks and techniques to help figure out what was wrong and what might make it right.  While we were leaving my mom leaned over to me and said, “In my day we just smooshed our boobs in their mouths.”  Words to live by.

Breastfeeding used to seem like a simpler thing.  Mothers taught it to their daughters for generations and generations.  It was “natural” and the obvious choice for the vast majority of mothers throughout the course of time.  With the advent of formula there has become a lack of that generational knowledge and a woman may not have a mother, aunt, or sisters to teach her what was once such common knowledge.  So we’ve created breastfeeding classes, written books, developed support groups, written and read blog posts, all in an effort to help us learn how to do what is at its root just “smooshing our boobs in their mouths”.  I’m guessing there are many women like my mom who see it as one more example of how we hipsters like to complicate things or how we think we’re the first generation to ever do anything this way (gardening! composting! cloth diapers! we’re SO earthy!).

I’ve got a lot of respect for my mom in this regard.  She chose to buck the trend and breastfed all five of her kids back when the universally accepted idea was that breastmilk was inferior to the magical formula she could have been giving us.  She didn’t care.  She also did it without the generational knowledge that was available to me because of her hard-earned experience.  You see, my grandmother was unable to breastfeed.  If the story can be believed, her doctor explained it to her this way, “Some women are milk cows and some women are beef cows.  You’re a beef cow.”  As cattle farmers, maybe this was a comfort to her, but it’s hard to imagine any woman would love to hear themselves described as a “beef cow”.  She managed to raise five healthy farm kids on whatever solution she could figure out without access to formula or a ready supply of breast milk, but I’m sure it wasn’t easy.

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January 28, 2013
by Maralee
2 Comments

Breastfeeding Thoughts- an Introduction

Talking about breastfeeding sure feels vulnerable.  If I didn’t know it already, I would have learned it by the responses I got when I asked friends to help address this topic with me.  I wanted to have some friends with various breastfeeding experiences (since I’ve just nursed one child) do posts on their own blogs that I could link my readers to for additional info.  Nobody would do it.  Nobody would share on their own blogs their own experiences.  Thankfully they were willing to share on my blog with an offer of anonymity, but it did remind me that this isn’t an easy topic to address for some of us.  Especially if your experience is outside the norm.

So I’m going to take the next couple weeks to share the breastfeeding stories of some friends of mine and also share my own.  I’m going to ask that if these experiences are different from yours, you suspend judgement for just a little bit.  I know that’s hard for me, but I really want all of us to read these stories and not stop to think, “Well, if she had just. . . ” about whatever difficulties you see presented.  The truth is each woman is unique and each child is unique.  Our stories and experiences are intensely personal and part of the reason we feel intimidated about sharing is because we know our own tendencies to judge what we haven’t lived through.  We may know what worked for us, but we can’t universally apply that to everybody else.

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January 27, 2013
by Maralee
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A Life in Status- January #4, 2013

(Here’s where you can catch the magic live)

It’s Martin Luther King Jr. Day! I am thankful for him and the many other brave men and women who paved the way for a family like mine.
“I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.
I have a dream that one day. . . little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls as sisters and brothers.” -MLK

I didn’t realize when I told Brian what I most wanted for my birthday was for him to stay home from work and wait on me hand and foot that I was wishing the flu on myself. Not the best way to spend a birthday. . . but not the worst either.

No one is more mischievous than the one person in the house without a fever.

I put Danny in time-out. He is now screaming, “I forgive you!” I’m not sure if I should find that endearing or irritating.

How to find your coffee:
1) Pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
2) Look around you.
3) Now the previously lost cup of coffee will be immediately visible.
Works every time.

Child pulls something out of his nose. You tell him that’s disgusting and that you don’t want to see it again. So he attempts to put it in your nose.
Why do I bother?

Brian: Did you see they got paint on the wall?
Me: Yeah, but it’s just watercolor. It’ll come right off.
Josh: THESE are WATERCOLORS?! (whispering) I need a beret.
Thank you, Kindergarten art class.

Having four little kids and a beloved white pet means this is not the first time I’ve washed chili handprints off the dog.

January 25, 2013
by Maralee
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Wish I could fit in the toy box

I have found that toddlers have not developed the same coping mechanisms for dealing with guilt that we adults have.  This is quite helpful when you’re trying to determine their motives.  For example- if you’re wondering if the three year-old hit the six year-old on purpose or on accident, it makes things pretty clear when you go to ask him about it and find him hiding in the toy box.  That guilt just overwhelmed him until his only out was to physically run and hide.  While that may complicate the process of helping him work towards reconciliation, it is beautiful to see how tender a heart can be that hasn’t had years of blaming others or looking for excuses to avoid dealing with guilt.

It reminds me of the story of Jonah- now that was a guy who was determined to run and hide rather than listen to God’s voice.  It seems so silly to imagine you can get away from God when we remember how God is always with us, but how often do I try to avoid hearing His voice like Jonah did or try to hide from the Holy Spirit’s pricking of my conscience like my three year-old did?  Instead of hiding in the bottom of a boat or in the toy box, I am likely to bury my head in distraction- my computer, a book, the tv, or by spending time with people who won’t keep me accountable.  I need to be reminded to listen for God’s still small voice in the quiet that comes from spending time with Him and with people who lead me into His presence.  And when His voice speaks words that are convicting and hard for me to hear, I need to listen and not hide.  You see, I’ve found there’s not enough room in that toy box for me and my three year-old at the same time and besides, God’s conviction is with me even there.

 

January 24, 2013
by Maralee
18 Comments

Adoption, Entertainment and Personal Preferences

Two adoption truths:

1) Our entertainment culture is full of adoption references and adoption mythology.

2) Adoptees/Adoption advocates have different (and often conflicting) feelings about each one of them.

When I first became a parent through adoption I was slightly obsessed with finding the “right” books and the “right” movies for my child. I wanted to create an adoption-friendly environment that would help him have a positive view of his adoption, his family, and himself. So I read lists of recommended adoption books and reviews of books we were told to avoid. The adoption community can be pretty brutal about what it considers unacceptable. Just a generation ago the book “The Chosen Baby” was read as a way to explain the adoption process. Now that book is considered by some to be offensive for the way it seems to imply a child could be unchosen or  that you were picked based on how good and cute you were. We are a much more adoption-savy culture than we were, but we also tend to leave little room for choices or individual preference.

Those of us who are sensitive to adoption themes will find them everywhere. And I’m not just talking about “Annie.” I remember sitting in the theatre watching “Superman Returns” during our long wait to bring our first baby home. There’s a touching scene where Superman’s mom is coming to visit him in the hospital and I remember just openly sobbing. I kept thinking, “She knows nothing about his medical history” and feeling that vulnerability with her. You can find adoption themes in everything from “The Chronicles of Narnia” (children have to leave biological family to live with strangers for their safety) to “The Avengers” (Thor and Loki are related through adoption). I found a description of Star Wars that described it as a “Trilogy of films about two adoptees searching for their birthfather.” Who knew? In our culture you sure get plenty of chances to interact with the idea of adoption. Each person’s adoption experience is going to contribute to how they respond to the ways these adoption themes are presented.

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January 23, 2013
by Maralee
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Church of The Plastic Bags

If you stopped by my church this Sunday, you might have seen moms with one hand grasping a wiggly toddler and in the other hand, a plastic bag. That bag might have infant boy shoes and hats, frilly pink 3T sundresses, or maybe some gender-neutral onesies. There are lots of reasons I love my church, but the plastic bags might be one of the easiest ways to know we have a real community going on here.

I remember being on the receiving end of those plastic bags a couple years ago when we were blessed with the unexpected placement of a foster daughter. We were given clothes and toys in mysterious shades of pink and purple that had never before entered our home of little boys. We watched our community rally around us with emotional support and love for this little girl who had found her life turned upside down for reasons she was much too young to understand. While she will never remember those who offered her help in her vulnerable days, we will never forget how we saw the church become Jesus to her and to us. We now find so much joy in offering that love and support to others when they find themselves in need, whether that’s with the unexpected arrival of foster children, or the much anticipated joy of the birth of a baby into our church family. We love bringing our own plastic bags of what we can spare to help make life a little easier.

Before I hand off these bags, I have found myself asking the mom, “Are you okay with hand-me-downs?” Of course people have different feelings about second-hand clothes and supplies, but I think what I’m really asking is, “Do you need help?” It’s a simple enough question and those of us who have been in the trenches of parenthood know, we DO need help. We need a LOT of help, but it can be harder than we expect to accept what’s offered out to us.

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January 20, 2013
by Maralee
Comments Off on A Life in Status- January #3, 2013

A Life in Status- January #3, 2013

(Catch the craziness live over here)

Send husband out for a gallon of paint. He comes home with a gallon of paint. . . and also a table saw.
Got me again, Lowes.

Daughter: Mommy, I have a baby in my tummy?
Me: Oh no. You have lots of growing up to do and let’s be sure you have a husband first.
Daughter: . . . I have a husband in my tummy first?
These are the conversations I hope she won’t remember later.

Million dollar idea of the day: “Babybook via Facebook”- An app that automatically uploads all the adorable status updates you’ve written about your child and pictures you’ve posted of your child into a baby book format. Lazy but social parents, UNITE!

The laughter of little children- sometimes the most beautiful thing you’ve ever heard. . . sometimes makes you want to pull your hair out.

The kids don’t want to eat spinach. You tell them they’ll be strong like Popeye. They eat the spinach and then immediately start punching each other.
You should have seen that coming.

Me: You need to go shut the door since you were the last one in the house.
Daughter: It was DANNY!
Me: No, it was you, Honey.
Daughter: (mumbling) I wish it was Danny.
And now the truth comes out.

(I taught the little ones Duck, Duck, Goose today)
Daddy: What did you guys do today?
Daughter: We play Duck, Duck. . . Chicken.
Daddy: Oh really? How do you play that.
Daughter: You lose.
Close enough.

Children are never better behaved than they are during the time when they realize they should be going to sleep but you forgot to put them down.

I’m pretty sure the money you save on diapers by potty-training a two year-old is immediately spent on toilet paper.

(overheard the three year-old saying something unkind)
Me: Hey! You come here right now.
Danny: I sorry, Mommy! I not want you to talk to meeeeeeeee!
Apparently my lectures are the best weapon I’ve got.
#nailedit

I have a child who hates tomatoes. To avoid any tears I told him we’re having “ketchup soup”.
#granolamomfail

I know it’s a waste to buy organic bananas because the peel protects the fruit from pesticides. This does assume your children don’t feel compelled to eat the peel. . .

Danny: Mommy, I cried at Cubbies because I missed you. . .in my spinny way.
The two great loves of Danny’s life: mommy and spinning. I’m not sure what he meant, but I know it’s adorable.

Danny would appreciate your condolences today. He just figured out all the dinosaurs are dead.

I guess it doesn’t show much faith in your dinner if you eat a can of tuna while cooking it.

How to get baby poop in your face (not for the squeamish):
1) Baby poops out the side of his diaper while wearing footie pajamas.
2) You take off footie pajamas to find poop down his leg and declare loudly, “You need a bath!”
3) Baby begins excitedly flailing his legs in anticipation of the bath you mentioned.
Mission accomplished.

Me: Why do you have my comb in the bath?
Josh: Danny gave it to me. You know. . . for scratching my bootie.
Sigh. . .

Josh wanted to play in the backyard. I said he could but asked if he could please not get his shoes so muddy this time. Just now I looked out the window and saw he’s playing in the mud in his socks.
Guess I should have been more specific.

Me: Do you guys want to watch “Pocahontas”? It’s about an American Indian like Danny.
Daughter: And me? I an Indian?
Me: No honey, remember? You’re Mexican.
Daughter: I NOT a UPSICAN! I just a little GIRL!
Apparently race is more complicated than I thought.

 

January 17, 2013
by Maralee
5 Comments

How to Support your Infertile Friend

For all the complexities of infertility, this post may be surprisingly short.  Supporting an infertile (or “intermittently fertile” as I jokingly call myself since I’ve been able to get pregnant, but had difficulty carrying to term) friend is just a process of learning to be sensitive to their issues.  Here’s a quick cheat-sheet of how to make that happen:

1) Listen to her– Sometimes she’ll want to talk about it, sometimes she’ll want to talk about anything else. Take her lead and be careful not to finish her sentences.  You might be surprised by what you learn.

2) Be tactful when letting her know about your pregnancy– Pregnancy announcements can be really hard for the infertile woman.  Sometimes it’s best to give her a heads-up before you tell everybody so she can process it and get to that supportive place by the time you make it general news.  She may also value being able to pray for you and your baby during those precarious first weeks.  I know all women are different, but I prefer a written heads-up that allows me to process and respond in my own time.

3) Show sensitivity about your pregnancy woes– If someone can’t get pregnant, they may not be the person you should express your pregnancy complaints to.  Don’t leave them out of conversations, but just have discernment about what you discuss in front of them.

4) Baby showers should be optional– It may be really tough for an infertile woman to attend a party that celebrates pregnancy.  For some women (especially adoptive moms) it’s easier to attend a shower if the baby is already born since that doesn’t seem to be so pregnancy related and more a celebration of life.  A woman may have seasons where she loves baby showers and seasons where they’re really painful.  Feel free to invite her (don’t exclude!), but be sure she knows you understand if she wants to express her support in other ways rather than attending a party.

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January 16, 2013
by Maralee
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Battling the Shame

So I had a new post all ready to go about how to help a friend deal with their infertility.  It seemed like the right next step after writing about the shame we feel as we struggle through those barren feelings.  But then I read and reread that post and realized I’d just left all of us sitting in the shame.  Tips for friends about how to support, but what about the tips for us in dealing with those feelings?  So here are some brief thoughts on working through that pain.  Really- I know this doesn’t come close to touching those deep hurts, but I’m very much a practical person and I wanted to give some practical ideas about moving forward. (and we’ll have that post up about how to support a friend later this week)

1) You won’t always feel this way.  I think pain is like a bad smell- at first you think you’ll never get over it, but with time you almost start to forget it ever existed.  Almost.  The pain doesn’t go away completely, but it doesn’t always have the sharp bite it once did.  Of course, things like parenthood through adoption and surprise pregnancies sure help, but we know there are no guarantees about those things.  Just take heart that time will help you heal as long as you don’t hang on to bitterness.  And you might be surprised to find even after becoming a parent the infertility pain hangs around like an old friend.  It takes on a new character- a life lesson you’ve learned that you wouldn’t trade for anything.

2) Don’t cast your pearls before swine (i.e. it’s okay to have discretion).  Not everybody is entitled to hear your story.  When people ask nosey questions about why you aren’t pregnant yet, you don’t have to tell them anything you don’t feel comfortable saying.  This is a very private issue and you are entitled to maintain your privacy, especially if you feel like somebody would respond to it in a way that would bring you more shame.

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January 14, 2013
by Maralee
12 Comments

Infertility Shame

Do you know somebody who is struggling with infertility?  Whether you can name somebody or not, I bet there are people in your circle who are in the midst of charts, temperatures, consultations, medications, and doctor visits.  So why would somebody be walking through something so complicated and heartbreaking, but not share it with the people closest to them?  Why wouldn’t they look for support from those who love them?  One word-

Shame.

It’s such an odd thing.  Why would we have shame about something so out of our control?  It’s not as though we picked this.  For the vast majority of us it had nothing to do with our choices (of course STDs and other lifestyle decisions can play a part in some situations).  It may be a symptom of a medical problem that causes other issues- physical pain, hormone imbalance, irregularity in our cycles, or medications with side effects.  These are the kinds of problems that people generally talk to their friends about and ask for support.  Infertility is different.

It may be difficult to understand why somebody would feel shame about this issue or not want to open up to you about it.  You want to be a supportive friend, but how can you support if somebody isn’t talking to you about what’s going on?  Here are some of the things going on in the mind of your infertile friend (either consciously or subconsciously) that causes shame.

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