Welcome to my circus.

November 13, 2012
by Maralee
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Bedtime Adventures with Danny and Captain Crunch

Sometimes parenting seems like a constant process of trial and error.  We have had such trouble trying to get our three year-old Danny to stay in the bed.  We’ve tried sticker charts, toy rewards, extra privileges, or discipline all to no avail.  Finally we stumbled upon the magic solution- if he stayed in the bed, he got to pick the morning’s breakfast cereal.  This has now helped him to be motivated to obey. . . about half the time.  Although, Danny may be the only child who gets out of bed to ask for clarification about what the reward will be if he stays in the bed. Somebody isn’t getting Captain Crunch in the morning and I think he’s going to be pretty disappointed.

As I feel my frustration mount during the fifth return trip to the bedroom in one night, I think about God’s patient compassion and forgiveness for me.  I tend to engage in the same sinful behavior time after time after time.  We all have our sin patterns that are so hard to break.  And when I feel that grief and repentance over my sins, I also feel God’s gentle hand on my shoulder guiding me back into His righteous path the same way I guide my little boy back to his bed over and over again. . . except I think God does it with a lot less grumbling than I do.

November 12, 2012
by Maralee
4 Comments

Attachment is a Two Way Street

There is much talk in adoption circles these days about the importance of bonding and attachment and the struggles that happen if a child doesn’t properly “attach” at the right times.  Reactive Attachment Disorder is becoming more and more of a familiar term as families deal with children who struggle to form natural attachments to their adoptive families.

I haven’t dealt with diagnosed RAD much, but I have had to work to form attachments to a lot of kids who weren’t born to me.  This can be a complicated process depending on the history and personality of the people involved.  If you’re looking for a resource about creating attachments, I highly recommend Karen Purvis’s book “The Connected Child”.  It is very practical and hopeful.  But there’s one part of this issue that I want to speak to from my experience.

Attachment is a two way street.

When you hear about a child who “can’t attach” you often hear about the negative behaviors.  This child acts out because they don’t trust.  They may do strange things, irritating things, scary things.  So here’s my question- as the adult in that relationship, how much would you want to attach to that child?

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November 8, 2012
by Maralee
8 Comments

Thoughts about Birthmoms, Part 2

This has been a crazy week!  I’ve been so touched by the responses to the honesty that’s been shared here.  I’m also excited to do what I most love to do- be practical!  I do not have “open” relationships with all of my kids’ parents, but I want you to know I am basing these thoughts on not just my experience with my kids, but also on my experience working with the mothers of our group home kids and on the reading I am doing on birthparent relationships.  So with all that in mind, here is my simple list of the practical realities of having a relationship with a birthmom:

1) Open Adoption isn’t as scary as you think.

I was initially uncomfortable with the idea of an “open” relationship.  I was worried that birthparents would regret their decision and try to hunt us down.  This has not happened.  In fact, I was the one looking for the birthfamily’s address so I could open the door to contact.  I’m not saying there aren’t going to be uncomfortable moments or boundaries that need to be established, but you have to weigh the discomfort of those difficult moments against the value of leaving the door open for your child to get their questions answered, have accurate medical information, and be reassured of their value by everybody who loves them.  It’s a great gift to give to your child.

2) Birthparents matter long after birth.

There are going to be questions.  The doctor’s office has lots of questions about medical history that I can’t answer.  My child is going to have questions about their heritage I can’t answer.  My child is going to want to know why they were placed for adoption and while I can concoct a pretty gentle answer, this may be a story best heard from the woman who made that decision.

3) Honor your birthparent commitments.

The adoption experience has got to be one of the strangest, most extreme changes in a balance of power.  The birthparent goes in having ALL the control.  A baby changes hands.  Documents are signed.  Now the adoptive parent has ALL the control.  My understanding at this point is even contact agreements between birthparents and adoptive parents are not legally binding or can be modified by the adoptive parents at any point (talk to your lawyer for your state specifics).  There is a lot of angst out there about adoptive parents who cut off contact without notifying the birth family.  Obviously, that’s going to be hurtful.  You always have to do what is in the best interests of your child (and personally, we do not have open relationships with all of our birthfamilies), but when I’m making a decision about engaging in contact or withholding contact, I think about how I will explain this to my adult child and how this birthparent will explain it to the adult child.  If the birthparent is unsafe, this may be simple to explain to your adult child.  If the contact is just inconvenient or awkward, that may be harder to explain to your child.  It may also mean if they have birthparent contact later they may be dealing with a hurt birthparent who is no longer supportive of the decision they made.  Bottom line- if you need to modify the kind of contact you originally established, be an adult and talk to the birthparent about it.  Do not just cut them out.

4) As much as you love them, sometimes birthparent relationships aren’t possible.

There are some people who aren’t able to raise their children because they are making really unsafe life choices.  We love them, but we can’t make better choices for them.  In that case, find ways to speak positively about them to your child.  NEVER lie, but find the positives- did she have pretty eyes, a sweet smile, did she try her best to parent, love animals, have cute shoes, call her baby “cutie pie”?  Find ways to express love for this woman even if she is struggling.  Draw boundaries that keep your child safe, but maybe there’s a stable grandparent who would be a good contact person who could help you keep the door open for contact if the birthparent is able to be safe in the future.  Over time, share appropriate information as your child asks the specifics of her adoption or her birthfamily.  Your child should be given all of the information you have by the time they leave your home (age 18).

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November 7, 2012
by Maralee
6 Comments

Thoughts From Birthmoms

Yesterday I began the story of how I came to have peace about having a relationship with a birthmom (if you haven’t read it yet, you can catch up over here www.amusingmaralee.com/2012/11/thoughts-about-birthmoms-part-1/).  Part of that story included friendships with Shayla and Rebecca- two amazing women who placed daughters for adoption when they were in high school.  They have been my go-to girls when I have struggled with the realities of adoption or needed to understand something from a birthmom point of view.  They have been an amazing encouragement and help to me and I know you’re going to be so blessed by their stories.  I sent them the questions and they sent me back these beautiful and insightful answers.  I have edited them for form, but the content is entirely theirs.  I intended to cut a couple questions, but after reading through these responses I couldn’t find one I could part with.  If you read through their thoughts, I’d really appreciate it if you could leave them a message in the comments so they know their voices have been heard.  Their honesty and openness is such a gift to all of us in the adoption discussion.

 

Can you briefly give us the circumstances around your adoption experience?
Rebecca- I was 17, a Jr in HS. Thought I was in love! Living in an upper middle class neighborhood with a boyfriend from the “other side of the tracks”

Shayla- As a child, I experienced some sexual abuse that created a lot of anger in me as a teenager. I took that anger out on my mother and brothers though they had nothing to do with it. When I was a senior in high school everything came to a head, and I moved out of my mother’s house and in with my boyfriend. I became pregnant not long after but I continued to go to both full-time school and work. I was about 5 months along when my mother found out, and she’s the one who first brought up the idea of adoption.

How did you know you weren’t ready to parent?

Rebecca- My parents TOLD me I wasn’t. They said if I kept the baby I would 100% be on my own and not living in their house or getting money. When you are 17 having everything stripped away from you is a pretty scary thing! I was selfish and was freaked out that this had happened. So the thought of my parents pulling away from me kind of scared me into reality.

Shayla- It never really occurred to me that I was ready. At first I didn’t realize that I had any other options and I felt trapped. I knew having a child at 18 would mean that I would probably never do anything I had dreamed of- traveling, college, road trips; all the things you dream about doing once you finish high school – and not as a single mother. I also realized that I knew NOTHING about how to raise a child. I was selfish, immature, and angry. Not exactly mother-of-the-year material. Even though I knew all this about myself, it still took me awhile to come around to the idea of adoption once it was brought up.

November 6, 2012
by Maralee
4 Comments

Thoughts About Birthmoms, Part 1

The idea of a birthparent relationship can be a scary thought for the couple considering adoption. You can read the books that say it’s best for the kids and you’ll probably feel pressured by an agency to agree to a high level of contact with birthparents. If you talk to me about how I feel about the birthparents of my kids, you’ll hear a lot about my love for them and my gratitude for their gift, but I want to be honest here—it hasn’t been an easy or natural road to get to this understanding. Adoptive parents are looking for a child to love, but aren’t necessarily looking for a birthfamily to have a lifelong connection with. You can feel like you’re being pushed into this relationship while you’re struggling with your own frustrations and grief. I want you to understand that it isn’t wrong to work through those feelings. And I want you to hear the story of how I came to have peace about it.

I had a friend in college who I admired a lot. Shayla was a couple years older than I was and seemed like she was wise in a way that made her cool and somebody you’d go to for advice. She was pretty and honest and organized and she had a Jeep. She was my hero. My freshmen year at college somebody told me Shayla had placed a baby for adoption when she was in high school. I had no context for that thought. It made her seem like somebody who knew what the real world was about in a way maybe I never would. But I really couldn’t imagine what that was like for her and I didn’t try to too hard to connect that fact with real life feelings or circumstances or the person I saw in front of me.

All that changed one very late night after our Junior/Senior formal. Shayla had given me permission to spend the night in her dorm room (our dorms had different curfew times and by spending the night in her room I’d be able to stay out later) while she spent the weekend with her mom. I got to her room around midnight and was hyped up from the fun of a college formal. Sleep was the furthest thing from my mind. So I looked at her book shelf. She had some photo albums and after looking through a couple that had pictures of our mutual friends I stumbled across what seemed to be a baby book.

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November 5, 2012
by Maralee
8 Comments

“We’re thinking about Adoption”

I’ve been privileged to have lots of people come to me with their questions about adoption. It’s a complicated topic, but I find the best place to start is to evaluate what kind of adoption is best for your family. In this post I want to go through the different types of adoption and what you should consider before making the next step. I tend to be a pretty black and white person, so I want to do this as as factually as possible, but of course we all realize we’re talking about the lives of your families and precious kids in need of homes so the emotions of the situation can be quite different than just a cold look at the facts.

So here’s my first question— what’s motivating you to adopt? That’s going to help you narrow down what path you should take next. Are you adopting because you have an infertility issue? Are you adopting because you want to have more children, but pregnancy is no longer an option? Are you adopting because you want to help a child in need? Your answers to these questions will help you figure out what direction you should go. You’ll also want to know what your priorities are: Are you looking for a healthy child? A young child? A legal certainty? A quick process? Something that doesn’t cost an arm and a leg? A certain level of birthparent contact? List these things in order of priority for your family and then compare them with the list of pros and cons I have below and you may find what works best for you. After I go through them I’ll give you my thoughts about what type might be right for your family. Here are the three main types of adoption and their pros and cons.

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November 2, 2012
by Maralee
10 Comments

Adoption- What it is. What it isn’t.

What Adoption Isn’t:

– It isn’t rescuing a child

– It isn’t a solution to the world’s orphan/poverty/illness problems

– It isn’t what happens to “lucky” kids

– It isn’t a way to make your family more interesting

– It isn’t what you should do if you have “extra love” in your family

– It isn’t trendy

– It doesn’t end in 18 years

–  It isn’t a way to give your bio kids a broader picture of the world

– It isn’t a fix for infertility

– It isn’t a ministry

– It isn’t “the easy way” to have a baby

– It isn’t doing a good deed

(*there may be an element of truth in each of these sentences, but they alone are not a reason to adopt)

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November 1, 2012
by Maralee
1 Comment

My Liberian

This year marks the fifth anniversary of when our son Josh joined our family.  That hot afternoon in a West African orphanage changed our lives and may have saved the life of a baby boy who had been very sick.

Josh is proud of his Liberian identity, even if he isn’t totally sure what that means yet.  The other day Josh walked out of the kitchen with a snack he prepared without my permission. By way of explanation he just looked at me, shook his head and said, “Well, you know how hungry Liberians get.”  If he doesn’t like a particular activity he will claim that “Liberians don’t like that, Mom” and when I pointed out that the dog always sits under Josh’s chair at meals he said, “Mom, Liberians are really hungry so we just eat kind of messy.”  This is the boy who insists on carrying his folded laundry to his room on top of his head, like the pictures he’s seen of Africans in the books we read.

Recently at the grocery store Josh saw an African woman in a traditional outfit like he’s seen in our pictures from Liberia. He yelled, “Mom! Look!” and pointed right at her. She good-naturedly smiled at him and took a few steps past him, then stopped. She turned around and said, “Do you want a hug?” Josh nodded his head and she walked back to him, wrapped her arms around him and kissed him on the head. It was beautiful.  And it made me long for heaven.  I can’t wait for the day when we will see our cultural differences in their perfect forms and understand the beauty of God’s diverse creation plan.  Our identities don’t rest in these cultures and colors, they rest in the God who created them all and is longing to bring people from every tribe, nation and tongue to Himself.  It is a joy and a blessing to us to be partners in that plan.

November 1, 2012
by Maralee
2 Comments

Adoption Awareness Month- A Disclaimer

I’ve been really looking forward to doing some posts about adoption as part of Adoption Awareness Month.  I’ve got TONS of ideas, so much good information to share, and hopefully some collaborations with other voices you need to hear.  But before we begin, a little disclaimer-

I’m going to talk about adoption from MY perspective.  I don’t represent an agency, I’m not an “expert”, and I can’t speak to each individual situation.  I know there may be things I say that you won’t agree with.  I’m okay with that.  Nobody has to agree with me, but this is my format to share what I’ve learned.

So why listen to me?

Adoption is my passion.  It’s what I live every day.  It’s the books I read, the documentaries I watch, the trainings I attend, the conversations I have, the blogs I follow.  I am a researcher by nature and adoption has become my topic of choice.  Even though we wouldn’t qualify for most international adoption programs anymore, I still read through agency websites to see what programs are opening and closing in the adoption world.  When somebody has a question about adoption, even if it’s not a topic that directly applies to my situation, I love to try and help them find an answer.  This has been a focus for me for the last eight years since Brian and I started having adoption conversations and even before then as I nannied for a family with an adopted child, had a college friend who was a birthmom, and grew up with adopted friends and family members.  As long as I can remember it has been a subject that has fascinated me and if my childhood doll collection is any indication, I may have always known that my family was going to have some more color in it.

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October 30, 2012
by Maralee
Comments Off on I Need YOUR Questions!

I Need YOUR Questions!

November is National Adoption Awareness Month.  In light of that, I want to do a series of posts through the month of November addressing different aspects of adoption from my perspective.  I’ve got lots of ideas, but I want YOUR questions, too!  Everything is on the table so just let me know what it is YOU want to know.  It could be about the decision making process, types of adoption, how to support adopting friends, recommended adoption reading- ANYTHING!

Submit your questions here via the comment section on the blog, through the facebook page www.facebook.com/AMusingMaralee (have you visited the facebook page yet? lots of funny stuff over there), or through my email:  amusingmaralee@gmail.com

 

Thanks!