I have endured some really painful Mother’s Days. During our days of houseparenting and struggling with a fresh infertility diagnosis I have walked through the doors of my church with 6 handsome young men I was mothering all around me, but a teenage girl instructed to give carnations to the mothers reached past me for a “real mom.” I have cried with the ache and loneliness of a day celebrating all that I couldn’t be and would do anything to have. I’ve hugged and comforted boys who spent the day separated from mothers who weren’t safe enough to be parenting their children. I have grieved the deaths of two children that were conceived in my body, but didn’t live to see my face. I have wondered how the women who gave my children life are processing the events of the day. I sat through a church service that featured a slideshow tribute to moms in their hospital beds with brand new babies snuggled to their chests. . . well, in all honesty, I got up and walked out of that service. At some point you have to draw the line for your own sanity.
Mother’s Day can be hard for a whole host of reasons. You aren’t in a good relationship with your mother. Your mother recently passed away. You are in a strained relationship with your grown children. You have placed a child for adoption. You have experienced the death of a child. You are infertile. You are a single woman and motherhood feels very far away. All of these life situations make it difficult to just see the beauty of Mother’s Day without being overwhelmed with the pain.
It feels so tricky to me. I do think mothers should be celebrated and honored for the sacrifices they make. We all know motherhood can be an incredibly thankless task and it’s great to take a day out to remember the women who give so much. I have an amazing mother who gave me a beautiful childhood and every year it is my joy to celebrate her contribution to my life, to my kids, and how she’s done it all as an act of service to God. She is absolutely worth celebrating, although I know not everyone is as blessed as I was in that way.
For the woman who hasn’t experienced a painful Mother’s Day, it may be hard to empathize with how difficult it can be. It’s just a day, right? Can’t people just be happy for other people’s happiness instead of focusing on what’s hard for them? I think what it’s important to understand is that the woman who is grieving is probably grieving every day, it’s just that this day is a day set aside for joy and celebrations she feels she can’t participate in. Her grief is going to be much more intense. Similar to the birthday of a loved one who has passed away, what should be a happy day becomes the day where grief is focused with laser precision.
So is it possible to rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn? Is it possible to do it all on the same day?
For my rejoicing friends: Be mindful of the women who are struggling. Reach out to a woman who you know is grieving today. Nobody wants to be pitied, but if you can offer genuine compassion, do it. Write a note to the woman who recently suffered a miscarriage. Ask a friend over for lunch who won’t be doing anything with her own mother. If you notice a friend wasn’t in church be understanding that she may be walking a really difficult road and it’s hard for her to do that in public. And treasure your kids today. They are undeserved blessings in your life and we don’t know what the future holds. Don’t try to downplay the beauty of being a mom.
For my grieving friends: Find a way to embrace this day. For women who have a complicated relationship with their own mother, this may be a great time to express appreciation for women who have functioned in a mothering role in your life. For women struggling with the desire to have a child, it may be really painful to try and deal with the public congratulating of mothers that happens at some churches. For several years Brian and I skipped church and took our teen boys out for a special lunch and then to the park. We talked about our favorite childhood memories. We enjoyed each other’s company. After several years of really painful church services, I had given up on trying to tough it out in that environment. I’m not saying that was right, I’m just saying at some point the cost of trying to shove down those emotions during that Sunday service seemed too high. So instead, Mother’s Day became a day our whole family looked forward to because we made it something special that worked for us instead of sitting in our grief.
For pastors: It’s okay to not make a big deal about Mother’s Day. Really. If our family didn’t celebrate us, whatever you do isn’t going to matter much. And if they did, then we’re fine. It’s not that you shouldn’t acknowledge it, but keep it in its proper perspective. This is not a religious holiday. Adding insult to the injury a grieving woman is already facing is not worth it. Please make it your goal to affirm and celebrate mothers and families all through the year, but on a day when hurting women are especially sensitive it may be best to keep it low-key. That’s not to say this should be a Debbie Downer moment. We really do want to rejoice with the families that are rejoicing and honor the hard work of moms, but it’s good to do it with recognition that the typical experience is not the only experience.
I know there are people who feel like it isn’t fair to downplay the importance or celebratory part of Mother’s Day just because somebody might feel hurt. I get that. I waited a long time to get this recognition and I surely enjoy it. I’m just saying that the woman who has a family that is celebrating her in her home is already the winner. She has been blessed with a beautiful gift—a family that cares about her and acknowledges her importance. I think it’s okay to ask her to compassionately defer in this public setting to the woman who is not as blessed in this way. Let’s be affirming of all the ways God IS blessing us—with women who mother us, with children who need us, with sisters who encourage us along the way, even if none of those relationships are biological connections.
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