I was smoothing down my seven-year-old’s hair the other night while we sat next to each other on the couch. He was snuggled up next to me and it occurred to me how rare these moments feel as he’s getting older and more independent. As we watched the Mandalorian be reunited with Baby Grogu, my son turned his face towards me to share a big smile.
In that moment I realized that I really like our movie nights.
For such a long time as a parent I have felt guilty about the time we spend watching TV. I’m rotting their brains and shouldn’t we be doing something more active and why aren’t we using more of the board games we have and maybe we should be asking these kids more about their deep feelings instead of staring at a screen. But I’m just over being worried about all that.
My kids trust me. They feel safe and loved in our home. They know it’s okay for them to be vulnerable. And some of those moments have developed during our family movie nights.
I’ve watched Star Wars movies turn into long games of Star Wars creative play the next day. Documentaries with my older kids have started insightful conversations about problems in the world. Watching the Olympics together creates a drive to practice and work hard at their own athletic dreams. Movies with adoption storylines become a great vehicle for opening the door to the thoughts my kids are having about their own adoptions. These movies aren’t isolated or isolating moments, but a time we are choosing to be together, sharing an experience.
My kids watched me sob actual tears while watching “Encanto” as I dealt with my own feelings about handling the pressure in my life. It normalized the real expression of emotions when we’re moved by something. I want them to know it’s okay to have those strong feelings and that finding safe and healthy ways to let them out is so much better than swallowing them back. Did I cry my face off when IG-88 literally melted in an act of self-sacrifice because of his programing to protect The Child? Yes. Because of course I felt a deep sense of identification with the lengths we’ll go to to protect our kids. Don’t get me started about the rush of FEELINGS just about anytime Matthew Cuthbert opened his mouth in the 1985 Anne of Green Gables series. I’ve noticed my kids will sense the emotion of a scene and then look to me to see if I’m crying. They know I have a sensitivity to certain themes (motherhood and adoption especially) even though in my daily life I am not a very emotional person. Family movie nights are not just staring blankly at a screen, but allowing ourselves to be impacted by storytelling and sharing that impact together.
This gets harder to do as my kids get older and their tastes become more diverse. Not everybody wants to watch the same thing at the same time. But when we can find a winner, it creates a family bond over the shared enjoyment of something special. My older kids loved being present while the fourth grader was watching his first Spiderman movie. They are creating their own bonds together as they talk about fan theories and plot holes.
And when those kids are too big for hugs (according to them), they might still ask for a back scratch during a movie, or want me to do their hair, or lay their head on my shoulder and fall asleep. Movie nights have created an environment where it’s okay to let your guard down and nobody will notice that just maybe you’re snuggling with a parent like you used to do when you were smaller. When you don’t want to ask for the affection you need, those spaces and times are perfect for being sure those needs are being met. Moms have an extra sense for knowing who she needs to sit next to so she can casually reach over and mess with their hair.
So I’m done feeling guilty about these family movie nights. My kids are plenty active, plenty busy, plenty social. They are navigating stressful situations daily and doing pretty great. They need a safe place to be able to laugh and cry and smile up at Mom when Grogu gives the Mandalorian a hug. As long as this version of screen time continues to be strengthening of these most important relationships and not detrimental, I’m all in favor.
Friday nights, you know where to find me.