A Musing Maralee

May 2, 2013
by Maralee
3 Comments

16 ways being a celebrity and being a mom are the same thing

It’s true. There is practically no difference between being your average mom and being a red carpet type celebrity.(other than, you know, the professionally done hair and make-up, designer clothes, million dollar salary. . .) Here’s proof:

Everywhere you go, people are shouting for you to look at them.

You’d give anything to be able to have a quiet night out.

Everyone wants to know what you’re eating.

They ask for you to sing your greatest hits every night and have very little appreciation for your newer, more experimental stuff.

These’s a good chance at some point someone will attempt to cut off a lock of your hair.

Some of your greatest work won’t be appreciated for years.

Your fans flock to wherever they think you might be.

You often stay up all night just to keep your fans happy.

Everybody wants to be in pictures with you.

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May 1, 2013
by Maralee
6 Comments

Parenting Tip of the Day #7- Choose your consequence

When a child misbehaves it is a frustrating moment for everybody involved. It is then your job to come up with an appropriate consequence, follow through, and be sure you take some time to offer forgiveness and restore the relationship after it’s over. Sometimes it’s hard to know what an appropriate and meaningful consequence would be, so I’ve got a shocking idea for you: Ask your child.

Here’s how it works-

Your son decided to sign his name in crayon on the wall. While you are impressed with his newly developed spelling and fine motor skills, he knows he shouldn’t have done it and now you need to give him a consequence. First of all, be brief in your pre consequence conversation. If you can keep it to one sentence, that’s ideal. Then give him the opportunity to pick an appropriate consequence or let him pick between two consequences you think are equally appropriate. After the consequence is over, make sure there’s forgiveness and appropriate restitution if necessary.

This is what that process might look like-

Mom: Josh, you know we don’t color on the walls. What do you think would be a good consequence so you remember not to do that again?

Josh: I could clean up the baby’s room.

Mom: Sounds good. After you pick up the baby’s room you can help me clean the crayon off the wall.

Mom: (after the baby’s room is cleaned) Josh, it’s great to write your name on paper, but what would happen if everybody colored on the walls down here? That would make a pretty big mess, right? Do you know what? I love you when you make good choices and I love you just as much when you make bad choices, but my hope is that you won’t make this choice again, okay? Now let’s clean this off together.

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April 30, 2013
by Maralee
6 Comments

10 ways to ruin your fostering reputation

Foster parents, I love you. You are my people. It is one of my goals to be a source of encouragement for my fellow fostering families on this road that is so often full of difficulty and discouragement. I have so much love for these special families that have chosen to do a difficult thing and engage in a system that is often broken and frustrating. I see mothers pouring themselves out sacrificially for kids who aren’t their own, fathers advocating for voiceless children, siblings helping new family members to normalize and adjust. It is beautiful and a very vivid illustration of what it looks like to be Jesus in this world.

So it kills me when I see a handful of foster parents hurting the rest of us by handling themselves in less than classy ways. Foster kids have a difficult reputation to fight. Foster parents have it, too. We can be seen as weird, doing it “for the money”, potential abusers, or only interested in severing kids from their rightful families. It’s an uphill battle to fight against the implications of the label “foster parent” for those of us who care about these kids and want to see others join in providing a voice for them. I don’t just want to do right by the kids in my house, but also want to inspire others to take up the cause. As my husband keeps reminding me, I can’t personally take in every child who needs a family so I need you to help, too!

So to help us evaluate what’s hurting the reputation of foster parents, let’s look at 10 ways to do fostering wrong:

Be unkind to your foster kids: The stories of foster children being abused by the very people hired and licensed by the state to keep them safe are rampant. DO NOT be that guy. Go above and beyond to show kindness to children who have been through so much. Even when the kids aren’t kind, the families aren’t kind, the system isn’t kind, YOU be kind. It has to start somewhere.

Root against the bio family: It is easy to get a feeling of righteous anger about families that have put children in harm’s way or who have actively harmed this child now in your care. You may instinctively feel sympathy for that child who became a victim through no fault of their own. I want to encourage you to take those strong feelings and now look at the adult in this situation. What was their upbringing like? Did they have someone lovingly guiding them? So much of abuse and neglect is cyclical and while these adults are obviously making unwise choices, sometimes we need to take a minute and realize that at one point they were scared victims too, and nobody stepped up to help them. Even if they are horrible unloveable people (I haven’t met those people yet in a decade of working with hurting families, but I’m sure they’re out there), keep it to yourself. You do nothing to help your case by being unkind to people in a difficult spot even if it is of their own making.

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April 29, 2013
by Maralee
Comments Off on Helping Celebrate An Adoption

Helping Celebrate An Adoption

As a very vocal advocate for adoption, I often get asked adoption-related questions. I frequently get asked about good ways to help celebrate an adoption in your family/community. I LOVE this question and I’m happy to give you some ideas based on what has been a blessing to us.

Some of these ideas need to be tailored to your specific situation. Here are some questions to think through before deciding how to best be a support:

-What is the age of this child?

-Is this the first child for these parents?

-Is this an international adoption?

-Is this child new to this family?

So here’s how those answers play out into different ways of helping a family celebrate:

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April 28, 2013
by Maralee
3 Comments

A Life in Status- April #4, 2013

Want more? Here ya go.

Josh is working on memorizing the books of the New Testament. Tonight I had to explain to him that it’s First and Second Thessalonians, not First and Second FleshyAliens.
#churchkidproblems

Just taped a television interview and before taping:
Interviewer: So what’s your family like?
Me: We have four kids- three are adopted and one biological surprise.
Interviewer: Oh wow! I’ll put that in the introduction- you have three adopted and one of your own.
Me: Oh, sorry, don’t say “one of your own” since they’re all my own.
Interviewer: Thank you! I hadn’t thought about that. I’ll just say “one biological”.
Me: Thanks. I just didn’t want you to get any nasty emails about this.
Interviewer: I appreciate that.
Me: And also. . . I would be the one writing the emails.
#themoreyouknow

A big storm took out the power at our house tonight. Our daughter was excited when she opened the curtains to see the sun and yelled, “the outside power still working!” Why yes. Yes it is.

Daughter (sobbing): I not want my grama leave!
Me: I know but you can’t scream about it. You need to pull it together, Sweetie.
Daughter: I NOT KNOW HOW PULL IT TOGETHER! (more sobbing)
Truer words were never spoken.

The Baby’s first tooth decides to come in totally sideways. I guess because it’s so crowded in there? Oh wait. It’s not crowded at all.
We are an orthodontist’s dream come true.

Something my husband learned today: When returning home and seeing the crazy mess in the living room, it is probably best not to say, “What happened? When your mom was here this morning she had things looking good.”

Josh: You made mac n’ cheese AND taco salad?! You are the goodest mommy I could have ever asked for.
His love language is food.

(After having to discipline her)
Me: Honey, did you know I love you when you’re good? And did you know I love when you’re naughty, too? There’s nothing you can do to make me stop loving you.
Daughter: Mommy, (sniff) I love you when I naughty, too.
#melt

I opened the bedroom door to find my daughter listening to music and shaking her bootie quite enthusiastically. She said, “I shake my bootie in here. There no boys. I need privacy.” You go, Girl.
#prom2028

I usually try to wait until the evening to do my grocery shopping so I don’t have to take all the kids with me. And then this morning I realized we were out of coffee. . .

(after a squabble)
Danny: I sorry, Bethie.
Bethany: I forgive you, Danny. Mommy, I forgive him, but I still has some tears in my face.
I know the feeling, Sister.

Sometimes I look at my 3 and 4 year-olds and miss their baby days. And then today they decide to pretend to be babies with the faithfulness to historical accuracy usually reserved for those involved in Civil War reenacting and I realize I don’t really miss it at all.

(Daughter was crying about having to give away her favorite shoes)
Me: But Honey, you’re too big for those shoes now. They make your feet bleed! You’ve just been getting so big.
Daughter: I not want to grow up! (sob sob sob)
We all know the feeling. Especially when it means getting rid of our favorite shoes.

Sign you’re in a large multi racial family: You’re filling out a form and it asks for the child’s ethnicity and you have to look back up to the top to see which child you’re talking about.

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April 27, 2013
by Maralee
1 Comment

A message from Liberia for the adoption community

I was honored to have some writing of mine (about Kathryn Joyce’s new book “Child Catchers” and our Liberian adoption) posted over at Mere Orthodoxy. Here’s a portion of it:

“. . . So I was floored by the expectations of some adoptive parents that the kids who grew up in this environment of constant fear and instability could be parented in exactly the same way they were currently parenting their biological children. The problems some of these children brought with them were serious and severe and made complete sense in light of what they had experienced. Adoptive parents should have been prepared for the worst, but as Joyce’s article points out, many of them were caught off guard.

While Joyce’s article may seek to be an indictment of the evangelical adoption movement, I think the story of adoptions from Liberia has value as a warning. As much as we’d like to, we can’t sweep it under the rug, but need to learn from the mistakes that have been made by agencies and parents filled with hope and good intentions.

Absolutely Christians need to be caring for orphans. If we believe in encouraging women to choose life, we need to match our fervor for picket lines, protests, and politics with a fervor for foster kids and adoption. After the adoption of our son from Liberia we adopted two children through foster care and have found a tremendous need for quality foster parents to step up and love these kids. It has been surprising to me to encounter families who are ready to take on the unknowns of an institutionalized child from another country, but are reticent to care for the child next door because of their imagined problems. We should be concerned about the needs of the children in our community and the orphans around the world because their souls matter equally.

Our faith informs our life choices which should reflect the Gospel priority of orphan care. For some of us, that will mean helping an orphan by adopting. While we would desire our kids share our Christian faith, our commitment shouldn’t be just to the act of adopting as some kind of missionary endeavor. We need to parenting our children—biological or adopted—in a loving manner that points them to Christ without looking on them as a charitable act or project.

All Christians are called to care for orphans, but we are NOT all equipped to adopt. This is the message of Liberia. This is what I spend a lot of time talking to potential adoptive parents about. Not every family has the skills to adopt a child with a history and not every child is capable of safely living in your typical home environment. I believe many of the sad stories out of Liberia could have been prevented if families had done these four things prior to adopting. . .”

To read more, head on over here.

April 26, 2013
by Maralee
4 Comments

Vaccinations summary- What you do for the least of these

That’s it! We survived two weeks of posts on vaccinations and nobody threw a public fit. I consider this success, at least relationally. Thanks to everybody who read and offered feedback for being gracious. And thanks to those of you who have had heated conversations with your computer screen, but have remembered that this topic shouldn’t separate us from each other. I love you, too.

To wrap things up, I just wanted to touch on what I’ve personally learned the most through this series. I’ve been learning that the choices I make for my kids and for myself have ramifications far outside my home. I want to be honest and say that for the last couple years I haven’t gotten the flu shot. I got it once during our houseparenting days because it was expected of us as part of our job. A nurse actually came to our campus and administered the shot to all the staff. She came to our house, I rolled up my sleeve, got the shot, and kept teaching third grade reading with my little student. I did it, but I wouldn’t exactly have called it an informed choice.

Now each year my pediatrician hassles me a bit about getting the flu shot for my kids. I put her off saying something about how my kids are pretty tough and they aren’t in childcare so I limit their exposure blah blah blah. And the last two years we’ve gotten the flu. It’s a pretty miserable week or two as it cycles through the six of us. My husband misses work, Josh misses school, and the rest of us just miss not being feverish and grumpy. This year it also ended in a sinus infection for one kid and an ear infection for the other.

It’s a nuisance, but nothing serious. This way of thinking keeps me feeling confident about my decision to avoid the flu shot. This kind of thinking also spreads to how I can feel about other vaccinations- chicken pox? We lived through it. Measles? Our parents got it and they’re all fine. Polio? Doesn’t exist anymore.

History is written by the winners.

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April 25, 2013
by Maralee
4 Comments

Vaccination Guest Post: Doctor compensation and adoption issues

(This is part of a series of guest posts by Dr. Mark McColl answering reader questions about vaccinations. It’s best to read my vaccine history and introduction of Dr. McColl first.)

Is it true that doctors get compensated for vaccinating kids?

Yes, the difference between the purchase price of the vaccine and what the insurance company reimburses me is about $3-5 per vaccine. This goes to cover the administrative costs of ordering, shipping, and refrigerating the vaccine. It goes toward the syringes and needles when required by the vaccine. It also goes toward the federally mandated Vaccine Information Sheets I’m required to photocopy and hand out for each vaccine. It covers the nurses time when insurances audit my vaccination records and the documentation necessary to prove I’m not just trying to commit insurance fraud. It also covers the bandaids.

Compensation for medical care is a fact of life. We get paid to diagnose and treat strep throat, sprained ankles, and kidney failure too. We get reimbursed to vaccinate children but none of us are running around wearing Prevnar team jerseys or promoting Menactra in front of ESPN cameras at the Pediatrician Playoffs. We could chuck it all and just tell parents to go get the vaccines at the health department and let them sort it out but the truth is that we love our patients. We care for them in much the same way we care for our own children. We want the best for them. In my mind there is nothing more pertinent to caring for children then preventing them from dying or being disabled when it is within my power to do so.

What are the risks of a child adopted from overseas being accidentally vaccinated twice (prior to coming to the US and once in the US)?

The recommended dosing schedule for vaccinations is really the minimum number of vaccinations needed to routinely establish an appropriate immune response in a majority of people. There are a host of factors that go into a person actually developing an appropriate response including their own immune system and the storage or handling of the vaccine. I mention these two factors because they may be the most pertinent for overseas vaccination. If a person is undernourished or otherwise very ill their immune system might not respond well. If a vaccine is kept out of proper refrigeration for too long the proteins can degrade and become useless. Third World countries are not known for their stable power grids.

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April 24, 2013
by Maralee
5 Comments

Vaccination Guest Post: What’s in our vaccines and is it causing autism?

(This is the sixth in a series of guest posts by Dr. Mark McColl answering reader questions about vaccination. Please check out my vaccine history and Dr. McColl’s introduction before reading.)

Why are there ‘toxic’ ingredients in vaccines? Are they necessary and do they cause harm?

That’s a pretty loaded question. I don’t think there are toxic ingredients in vaccines. Don’t get me wrong, I buy my beef grass fed and apples organic and I understand vaccines are neither. I care about what goes in my body. The point is that contact lenses, titanium artificial hips, and aspirin aren’t “organic” or “natural” either. There are lots of things in life that make it better, safer, and richer which don’t fit the organic, paleo model of moral superiority that seems to pervade the anti-vaccine movement. What we need to realize is that there are lots of ‘toxic’ ingredients to the measles virus. Those toxins like to scramble your brain just enough to rob you of about 40 IQ points as well as your hearing. The really insidious toxins will rob you of your personality five or ten years after a measles infection only to kill you after a few more years. Tetanus produces a toxin that causes the painful agony of never being able to relax your muscles. You’ve never felt pain like that. Ever. The list goes on. I’ve chosen to vaccinate myself and my family not because vaccines are free of potential toxins and always provide perfect protection but because I’d rather have that stuff injected in me than contract those diseases.

Are aborted fetus cells used in vaccinations?

Early in the process of vaccine manufacturing (1960s) embryonic cell lines were used to manufacture the required proteins necessary to produce the some vaccines. These embryonic cells were obtained from two children aborted prior to birth. Embryonic cell lines have the ability to continue to grow and multiply for many years while mature cells have a limit of about 50 replications. This is part of the reason why embryonic stem cell use for research is such a hotly debated issue in modern times. There is no requirement for new sources of fetal cells to continue the process of vaccine manufacture. The established cell lines need only to be maintained. No more children are aborted or need be aborted to further vaccine production or manufacture. In fact, given the recent discovery allowing voluntarily donated adult stem cells to become pluripotent (useful to make many other types of tissues) the need for embyronic stem cells is all but disappeared.

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April 23, 2013
by Maralee
3 Comments

Vaccine Guest Post: The flu shot

(This post is part of a series of guest writings by Dr. Mark McColl answering reader questions. Please read my vaccine history and Dr. McColl’s introduction before continuing.)

What’s the deal with the flu shot- who actually needs it, how effective is it?

The flu shot effectiveness is variable depending on several different factors not the least of which is the patient’s immune system. Some people genetically lack certain factors of their immune system that inhibit the body’s ability to develop appropriate protection. Age plays a big factor also. The elderly respond dramatically less well than similarly healthy younger adults. Other factors include things like dose, prior exposures or vaccinations, and timing of vaccination relative to the exposure.

Influenza as a virus mutates very quickly. Within a season it can mutate either a small amount or a large amount. This rearranging of the genetic material can occur with other strains of influenza that generally infect other animals. Given these continual changes the flu vaccine has to be reformulated with the predicted dominant strains each season. Sometimes the strains that pass through your community are the ones that were in the vaccine. In fact, lots of the time this is the case. Protection in this scenario is very good. You may have somewhere around an 80% chance (again, my professional opinion and not a documented study) of not acquiring the infection were you to be exposed. I will say that I’ve never had a patient who had been vaccinated die from an influenza infection. I can’t say that about those that were unvaccinated. In the end, I’m much more interested in stopping preventable causes of death than stopping non-fatal respiratory tract infections.

As to who needs it, I think everyone does. If your community were to vaccinate about 80% of the people against influenza there would probably be no influenza related deaths. Right now more people in your town die from influenza than die in car accidents.

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