A Musing Maralee

March 29, 2013
by Maralee
9 Comments

My Facebook Adoption Angst

I don’t like being conflicted. I love it when things are clearcut, but there are some things in life that I’m just not sure about. Adoption has added a lot of gray to my world- a place that I prefer to be black and white. Birth family relationships have definitely been one of those areas where I’ve had to learn to live with a certain level of tension, never entirely sure how to feel or if I’m handling things right. It’s always a balance of wanting my kids to have access to people and information that may be important in their life, a desire to be sure my kids’ birthparents know they did the right thing, and wanting my kids to have privacy and the ability to have normalcy in their life. Because these things are important to me, I have tried to have open relationships with my kids’ birth families as much as it is safe and agreeable to everybody involved.

So what made me get all adoption angsty recently? Random Facebook photo shares.

Did you see that heartwarming story back in the end of January about a woman who found her birthparents by posting some basic info about her birth and her birthparents on Facebook? The photo went viral and eventually she was connected with her birth family and it seems to be a happy ending. I honestly loved the story. She genuinely wanted to find them and had run out of options. They seemed genuinely happy to be found.

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March 28, 2013
by Maralee
8 Comments

Apologizing to your kids- do it

You can read Part 1 of this post to see when I think it’s inappropriate to apologize to your kids. You don’t have to agree, but I think it’s a debate worth having. You can also listen to my radio interview on the topic of parenting and confession.

Apologize to your kids (when they’re big)

As our kids make the trek into adulthood, it’s important they understand their parents aren’t perfect. They’re going to be dealing with their own imperfections and the natural consequences in a new way as they become responsible for themselves. They may feel unsafe talking to you about those struggles if you’ve worked hard to maintain a perfect image, so now is the time to help them see you as a person like them. Your child may also now have the wisdom to address some of the things you did in the past that were hard for them. Don’t be stubborn when you realize you may have misjudged a situation. This is now the time to take ownership and admit that you didn’t always know the right way to handle each situation, but your heart’s desire was to do the right thing in love. Kids need to see the grace you give them comes from the grace you’ve received. Now is the time to apologize.

I’m not saying you need to wait until they’re eighteen. Just a couple weeks ago I had a talk with my six year-old. We were looking at pictures from when he was two and I told him, “Josh, I used to be pretty hard on you when you were two. I thought you were being naughty, but now I know that’s just how two year-olds act sometimes. Do you forgive me?” He said, “Mom, I always forgave you.” I could have cried. He used the past tense. He had already forgiven me before I asked for it because he knew I loved him and I wasn’t perfect. This is the foundation I’m trying to instill in my kids so as they grow and separate themselves from me we can openly and respectfully discuss our struggles. He’s not at the point yet where it would be wise to regularly have those conversations, but I want to be investing in a relationship of safety and trust that gets us to that point as he gets more mature.

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March 27, 2013
by Maralee
13 Comments

Apologizing to your kids- don’t do it

No one is a perfect parent. We struggle and strive and want to do right, but so often find ourselves failing. That can leave us in a tricky predicament—when is it necessary to apologize to your kids? The conclusions I come to may not be the conclusions you come to, but I wanted to share my thoughts with you in two parts (Part 2 will be about why you should apologize to your kids and will be posted tomorrow). You can also listen to my radio interview on parenting and confession. And feel free to leave your feedback in the comments section!

Don’t apologize to your kids (when they’re little)

When you are raising itty bitty kids you are bound to make some mistakes. Maybe you react harshly in a situation that outside the heat of the moment you realize wasn’t as bad as you thought. Maybe you gave a major consequence to a minor offense. Whatever it may be, it leaves you feeling guilty. In that moment you may feel like apologizing to your child is the right way to go. I think maybe you don’t have to.

A generation or two ago parents NEVER apologized. I don’t think that was right. It is important for our kids to know we take responsibility for our actions. BUT I think the pendulum has swung too far in the other direction. I have seen parents apologize to a child while the child is slapping them in the face. I have seen parents apologize for appropriately disciplining their child. I have seen parents apologize for setting healthy limits that upset their child. I think especially for moms with sensitive hearts there is a desire to apologize any time they do something their kids don’t like. We can feel guilty because our kids aren’t happy so we apologize to win their favor. In this case the apology is more about us and less about them. It is more about us wanting to be liked than about us actually sinning and needing forgiveness. This is what I object to. I think there may even be times when it’s okay for us to be strong with our children and not sound like a parenting handbook. If my child has said, “Mom mom mom mom mom mom” and poked me in the leg 87 times while I’m on the phone with the doctor’s office AND changing a diaper, he should not expect me to be super pleasant and composed when it’s time to deal with him. I am not an angry parent, so I’m not going to struggle as much with the temptation to yell and scream like some parents do, but I am going to be serious and it might hurt his feelings. I’m okay with that. I think this is part of teaching them to treat you with respect.

I am not my child’s peer and at this age I am not interested in being best buddies. There are times they don’t like the choices I make for their good and I am not interested in apologizing to them about it even when they find those choices upsetting. Kids are master manipulators (God love ’em, bless their hearts) and if we cave and apologize not because we actually did something wrong, but because they made us feel bad, we will quickly lose our parenting authority. I have said to my kids, “I’m sorry you made that choice. That’s sad for everybody when you make an unwise choice and have to have a consequence” which is different from saying, “I’m sorry I have to give you a consequence.” I am not going to say, “I’m sorry we have to leave the park”, but I am going to say, “I know it’s hard for you to leave the park.” It’s good to acknowledge when our kids are sad, but that doesn’t mean we apologize for setting limits or disciplining negative behavior. Maybe this seems like a semantics game, but I can’t help it—I love language and it matters to me to get it right.

A child’s trust in his parent is a very important thing. You work hard to build that up and you want your child to know you are consistent and faithful to your word. If we are constantly coming to them with apologies we may make them question whether we are people worth trusting. We need some healthy parent/child boundaries. If they feel we are often wrong (because we’re frequently apologizing), why wouldn’t they feel comfortable openly questioning our decisions? We are giving them an authority role in our lives they don’t need. It is a great weight to carry the knowledge that our parents aren’t perfect. It can make us feel unsafe, even as we get closer to adulthood and we’ve reached an appropriate time for that awareness. How much scarier is that for the child who can’t yet tie his own shoes?

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March 26, 2013
by Maralee
1 Comment

Can’t afford to have kids?

I think the more kids I have, the more my ideas on what a baby “needs” have changed. My first baby had a nursery with color-coordinated artwork on the walls that matched the bedding set, and a small mountain of age-appropriate toys and clothes. I’m finding now that fourth kids don’t really have “nurseries”. Fourth kids have whatever survived the last three kids and is absolutely necessary for survival shoved into the remaining corner of the house. And surprisingly enough, they don’t seem to mind.

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March 25, 2013
by Maralee
1 Comment

Our Creature Comforts

(Photos by Rebecca Tredway)

Some kids get really attached to a particular comfort animal. My oldest had a favorite monkey, my daughter has a treasured pig, but my baby Joel has an attachment to Teddy that words can’t describe. It’s wonderful to have an object that brings him such instant joy and peace, but what a black cloud descends over the house if Teddy can’t be found!

Recently Teddy has had to take some “baths” in the washing machine after nasty run-ins with diaper explosions or unexpected toilet baptisms. Joel will stand at the washing machine door (sadly, we have a front-loading washer with a clear door) and call, “Teddy, Teddy, Teddy” over and over while banging on the door for the entire 52 minute cycle. It is at once both heartbreaking and endearing.

We had been having a problem over the last few months where Joel could not settle down in the church nursery. Every week it would be the same routine—drop him off, try to get something out of the ten minutes I could listen to the sermon, then go retrieve my screaming baby. It was finally my six year-old Josh that said, “Why don’t you just bring Teddy?” That kid is a genius. The next Sunday we brought Teddy along and Joel was just fine to play in the nursery the entire duration of the sermon. Amazing.

I’m so glad I’ve outgrown needing a comfort object to make me happy. . . oh wait. . .

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March 24, 2013
by Maralee
Comments Off on A Life in Status- #4 March, 2013

A Life in Status- #4 March, 2013

(Don’t believe it? Come see for yourself.)

Sometimes I apologize for the state of my house even when it’s not that bad, just because I would like people to think usually it’s better.
#foolingnobody

I’m guessing with the amount of coffee grounds in my compost pile our garden tomatoes may be slightly caffeinated this year. Just a heads-up.

I’m guessing classier women don’t have a pair of slippers they think of as “going out slippers”.

Sometimes my four year-old does something naughty, pauses, and then says “yes ma’am” before I’ve had a chance to correct him. I can’t tell if this is a parenting success or a total fail.

Do you ever think, “I’d be a really great mom if it weren’t for all these kids!”
Yeah. . . me neither. . .

Brother and Sister are both playing with Iron Man action figures. Brother’s is clearly a traditional superhero. Sister’s seems to have a day job as a therapist of some kind. Works for me.

If someone could figure out how to add some nutritional value to Play-Doh I would greatly appreciate it.
#multitasking

Daughter: You not the best mommy ever.
Me: I’m not? Who is?
Daughter: Daddy.
I quit.

Husband is singing Andrew Osenga’s “Why do Lovers Grow Apart”, but with the words “Why does pooping start with farts”. He is and always has been a true romantic.

Sometimes I feel the need to explain that while I do expect my daughter to say “yes ma’am”, the salute was all her idea.

We got a new dryer and it sings a little song when it’s done, instead of the traditional buzz our old dryer did. I think if the song had words, they’d probably be about us paying too much for a dryer.

Husband: What’s in your hair?
Josh: Toothpaste. I wanted to look a little different.
Husband: Um, no.
That boy is always ahead of the trends.

When the doorbell rings and you don’t hear the dog’s customary bark, that’s when you realize it’s probably somebody returning the dog at your door.

Danny: So Mom. . . how you day?
Sometimes it’s the sweetest questions and personal interest in your life that let you know there’s probably a huge mess somewhere you don’t know about yet.

Fourth children know when you find a delicious treat unattended you should immediately grab it and hide under the table to eat it. Fourth children are geniuses. . . or else they’ve learned a thing or two from the family dog.

Josh and The Baby are snuggling on the couch.
Josh: Mom, I think the right baby came in your tummy.
#melt

Husband: Hey! Do NOT put that in your mouth. That goes STRAIGHT into the toilet!
. . . sometimes I wish I didn’t overhear things. . . trying. not. to. imagine. context.

Why twitter is awesome: I am literally being followed by Transformers. All my childhood dreams are coming true.

I’ve always sung the same lullaby to The Baby before bed. Now anytime I sing it he pops his fingers into his mouth and snuggles. Is this what it feels like to be a hypnotist?

March 23, 2013
by Maralee
10 Comments

Don’t Treasure Every Moment

I just ran across another one of those posts telling me to treasure these days and not get so worked up about being a perfect parent. I get it. I really do. I know I have said similar things even here on this blog about how I have relaxed some as a parent and how I am having an easier time treasuring the little milestones of my fourthborn rather than stressing about doing everything “right”. I think that’s kind of a universal lesson of motherhood as we progress through the years.

Of course it’s lovely to think about how precious and sweet these days are. It’s nice to hear that affirmed by moms who are a little farther down the road. Wouldn’t we all like to stop time at the sweet and fun moments of mothering—the baby sleeping on your chest, the bath splashes, the swings at the park on a sunny day. I appreciate how these posts also talk about giving yourself some grace during the difficult times. I’m sure there are lots of moms that are blessed to hear that message and feel it really resonates with them and their struggles. I don’t want to take away from the good that it’s doing for them.

But that’s not how it struck me.

It’s nice and all, but I just want to ask those lovely ladies telling me to appreciate every moment to BACK OFF. We get it.

It can feel like one more level of guilt for the fact that I can’t get everything right. If my kid throws a tantrum I should be totally serene and treasuring the memory of her adorable kicking of the wall because someday she’ll be off to college? And if I just sit back and bask in how cute it is when she scratches her brother in the face because she didn’t get her way, exactly how wonderful of a teenager do I expect her to be? Not only am I supposed to clean up after the child who pooped in the bathtub, I’m supposed to think of how fleeting these days are and not let it bother me? You’re advising me to turn off my normal human responses and ooze some kind of nostalgia before I’ve even gotten to the point where everybody can feed themselves so I can drink a cup of coffee before it’s gone cold. It’s such a nice idea, but I don’t know what kind of saint can pull this off. Certainly not this guy (points to self).

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March 22, 2013
by Maralee
1 Comment

A peek into my professional day

Hey Friends,

I had a great time doing a taping for NET recently and I wanted to give you a glimpse at what it’s like for your average mom to do a 3-minute monologue video for your local public television station. So here’s the backstory:

(all photos by Rebecca Tredway Photography)

A couple weeks ago I was contacted by Stephanie June with Nebraska Public Television about a project she was working on. They were going to be producing some videos in cooperation with Nebraska Children and Families Foundation to address child abuse prevention. Stephanie knew about me from my work on My Bridge Radio and thought I might be a good addition if I was willing. Of course I was willing! After spending the last decade working with kids from difficult family situations, my heart is very much for helping moms who are struggling get some practical tips for how to deal with stressful situations without resorting to actions they will later see were abusive. I asked Stephanie what kind of topic they wanted me to address and told her to check out my “Excuse Me” post. She said that would work perfectly, so now I needed to adapt it for a three-minute speech to be delivered rather than just a post designed to be read.

This was a little bit of a struggle for me since my radio spots are about 90 seconds in length. I had some work to do to slow down my speech and make sure I had written content to fill 3 minutes. I did some rewrites, read it aloud to Brian and then went through it a bunch of times myself, just to tweak some language choices. It’s interesting- sometimes things that work just fine when you write them are terrible to read. You can write a tongue-twister without ever knowing it until you read it out-loud a few times.

I sent my draft to Kelly Medwick at Nebraska Children and Families Foundation and got her take on it. Approved! (relief!) This will be part of their Rethink Your Reaction campaign, which I love. I enjoyed looking through their website and seeing the ways they’re working to encourage families and keep kids safe. They are also sponsors of Project Everlast, which is amazing. They work with young adults who spent time in foster care. It’s great to hear these adults speak about their experiences for the benefit of foster parents who can learn from the successes and failures they’re hearing about.

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March 21, 2013
by Maralee
12 Comments

Be the one to talk to your toddler about sex (and 7 ways to start the conversation)

I did not participate in the sex education offered at my elementary school. I remember for one day a year in the upper elementary grades they would divide us up into boys and girls and give us a talk on what it meant to become a woman or a man. My mom would sign a slip that would exempt me from sitting through that conversation. Her reasoning was insightful and continues to inform my decisions on this topic with my kids. She told me, “You already know all those things because I’ve taught you. They aren’t going to tell you anything you don’t already know, but it’s not their job.” I fully believe she was right in both of those areas.

My mom was always very open with us about sex and the development of our bodies. She read us educational books about where babies came from and we always knew she was open to answering our questions. It was an education that started before I was even old enough remember. I can’t think back to a time where I didn’t know where babies came from, although it was always an age-appropriate knowledge. This process continued all the way up until the months before my wedding when she talked with me about birth control options and what it means to be a wife.

While there were other places I inadvertently gathered information about the human body, it wasn’t the school’s job to teach me about such an important topic. It was my mom’s job and she took it very seriously. I’m not speaking to you as an educator or expert, I’m speaking to you as a fellow mom. This topic can make you anxious, but I think there are some practical ways to make it part of your normal life. Through my experience as a foster parent and housemom in a group home, I have dealt with kids who have seen things children should never see and had really sad life experiences when it came to sex and their own bodies, and these children also didn’t have a functional understanding of reproduction or God’s design for sex. Keeping kids from age-appropriate factual knowledge doesn’t mean you’re going to keep them from sexual harm. I believe by giving them accurate information you are actually helping to protect them from becoming an accidental victim.

I know some mothers are concerned about talking to their kids about sex. They’re afraid of piquing their children’s curiosity or giving them more information than they’re ready to handle. I want to encourage you to just open the door to the conversation. Sex isn’t shameful within God’s beautiful design, so we don’t need to behave shamefully when talking to our kids about it. There are lots of natural opportunities to let your kids ask their questions if you’re being an intentional parent. I know there are great parents who handle this topic in a great diversity of ways, but I wanted to share with you how I’ve managed to incorporate it into my parenting without dying of embarrassment or having a stress-related heart attack.

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March 20, 2013
by Maralee
4 Comments

Parenting Tip of the Day #5- Clean with Vinegar

I like to do things inexpensively and simply. Raising four kids is neither, which I think makes it even more important to strive for cheap and simple in other areas of my life. Sometimes doing the natural option is expensive and/or complicated. Sewing our own clothes? Cheap(er), but way too complicated for me. Buying only hobby farm happy meat? Simple, but way too expensive. So I love it when I can find ways to make my life more natural in ways that are simple and cheap. I make my laundry detergent, grow a garden every summer, and I clean with vinegar. Are you cleaning with vinegar? You totally should be. Here’s why:

Vinegar won’t kill you– Two years ago I had a kid push a chair up to the counter, climb up to a spray bottle of Lysol and shoot it into his mouth. No lie. And that was the first time I had to call poison control. It was then that I decided I needed to find a better option than having a bunch of really harsh chemicals in my house. If your kid drinks vinegar, it won’t be the end of the world.

Vinegar stinks– My old cleaning supplies smelled really good. They smelled like oranges, lavender, pine, whatever. In what shouldn’t have been shocking news to me, my kids wanted to drink this good smelling, pretty colored water. Vinegar stinks and your kids won’t want to drink it. (The stink does go away after the vinegar dries, so don’t worry about stinking up your house.)

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