Welcome to my circus.

March 19, 2013
by Maralee
3 Comments

Go ahead. Scare Your Firstborn.

Here’s a parenting fact for you:  We’re really hard on our firstborns.  I literally remember saying the words, “Why are you acting like that?  You’re two years-old!” and then realizing how ridiculous that was. He was TWO YEARS-OLD.  Why did I expect him to be a miniature adult?

When you’re parenting your first child you need to see him achieve milestones to prove you’re parenting right.  He needs to roll over, sit up, walk, talk all at the exact prescribed month the developmental chart predicted.  Or even better, he needs to do it all early.  You need him to be the perfect houseguest because with one child you’re still able to actually go to other people’s houses.  He needs to eat quietly at the table because you and your spouse are still able to have actual conversations at this point.  He should be exposed to no television, eat no fried or sugared thing, do puzzles and flashcards, and be able to communicate through sign language prior to his first birthday.  Oh, and also he should probably be potty-trained as soon as he can walk.

I really did expect this kind of behavior and results from my first child and from myself.  I look back now at the lengths I went to to try and create this kind of life.  It made me a bit of an angry person when things didn’t go the way I thought they should.  I disciplined him more than I really needed to.  I gave him responsibilities (and I’m sure I still do) beyond his age or developmental abilities.  It causes me a little guilt to think about all I expected from him and how frustrated I allowed myself to get when things didn’t go my way.

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March 18, 2013
by Maralee
8 Comments

The Discipline Toolbox

I think we’re doing premarital counseling all wrong. If you want to know if your relationship is ready to handle the difficult challenges of marriage, somebody just ought to let you and your beloved remodel a room in their house. It has got to be one of the most frustrating experiences and is sure to bring out the worst in you, your partner, and your relationship.

We’ve been doing a remodeling project in our basement and some of our own frustrations have bubbled to the surface. Thankfully we have a lot of experience dealing with difficult experiences together through parenting 21 kids over the last 10 years.  There are ways in which I am coming to see a correlation between dealing with a home improvement project and dealing with the discipline needs of our kids.

One of the questions I am frequently asked by people considering foster care (or incredulous about our decision to do foster care) is about discipline. How is disciplining a foster child different from disciplining a child who legally belongs to you? When a child doesn’t have a reason to trust you, it is tough to deal with behavior problems. On the flip-side, those kids absolutely need structure and consistency so you can’t just let behavior problems go. It requires some creativity and an ability to rethink what comes naturally.

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March 17, 2013
by Maralee
1 Comment

A Life in Status- March #3, 2013

(Come see for yourself)

I spent a long time finding the right outfit for the Nebraska Public Television taping this week, only to realize I’m pretty much going to look like a female version of Mr. Rogers.
#cardigans #makessense

Josh: Mom, you make the best cocoa ever!
My secret recipe? Half a package of the cheapest instant cocoa mix and lukewarm water. Genius, I know.

Josh: Mom, you love Jesus in your heart AND you make the best cocoa. That’s what makes you a good wife.
I’m sure Brian would agree.

It’s not that I don’t like winter, I just really hate matching 6 people’s socks every time I do laundry. Bring on the sandal/flipflop/barefoot weather!

When you have your first baby you wonder why in the world anyone would sell a pirate-themed onesie that says, “Argh, change me booty”. By your third boy, you stop asking questions and just buy it.

(I was putting spring clothes in the boys’ dresser)
Josh: We both have dinosaur t-shirts?! Danny, LET’S HUG!!!!!
The only appropriate expression of brother fashion excitement.

I rolled out of bed this morning to find I had spent the entire night on top of a small, plastic dinosaur. The Princess and The Pea I am not.

I thought it was kind of irritating when my boys were running around pretending to be Spiderman. That was before I knew about Transformers. . .

Me: What time did you come to bed last night?
Husband: I don’t know. The last thing I remember was you handing me a Peep. Then I woke up and it was stuck to my shirt.
Wild and crazy nights, parenting-style.

Josh: (coloring a picture) Mom, what color is Crystal’s (his cousin) skin?
Me: What do you think?
Josh: Is it like yours?
Me: Yep.
Josh: What color do I use for that?! Orange?
Aw, the eternal question.

Child is crying and screaming about how he doesn’t need a nap. Translation= he desperately needs a nap.
Thank goodness I’m fluent in Toddlerspeak.

Josh: Mommy, your mouth smells like my favorite chips.
#caught

Daughter: (holding her Bible) Mommy, who the bad guy in this book?
Me: Um. . . well. . . it’s kind of complicated.
Daughter: No, it’s Goliath.
Close enough.

I thought I wasn’t too nervous about going to the Nebraska Public Television taping today. Then I couldn’t figure out why the van wasn’t starting. . . until I realized I had my key inserted into the garage door opener instead of the ignition.

Josh: Mom, after you get your TV hair and make-up, can we see you while you still look pretty?
Sigh. . .

Danny (singing): Iron Man, Iron Man, does whatever an iron can.
If this is true, I have seriously underrated Iron Man.
#newfavoritesuperhero #superlaundrypower

Josh (singing): Transformers, robots in disguise. Transformers, more that eats the eyes.
Either he’s not singing that right, or that show is a lot more gruesome than I remember.

My hair and make-up still look so nice from the professional help I got before the TV taping this morning, it’s now seeming anticlimactic to make hot dog muffins for dinner.

So do you ever get all scandalized by pictures from your childhood? “Look! We’re all running around the back of the station wagon WHILE IT’S DRIVING! Where are the carseats?!” Sometimes I wonder what our kids will be scandalized by. “Wait- we weren’t in five-point harnesses while eating?! We could have fallen right out of those chairs and broken our heads!”

It’s kind of weird to click “follow” on Twitter when it’s your pastor’s profile. Feels very literal.

Hint for Babies: If you want us to think dropping that toy off your highchair tray was an accident, say “uh-oh” AFTER you do it. Not before. You’re welcome.

I keep hearing Danny play with his favorite action figure who he calls “Toby One Kenobi”. I’m guessing that’s Obi-Wan’s cousin. And apparently he’s a dinosaur veterinarian. Makes sense.

My warm weather clothes are now in the closet. Taunting me. I can hear them laughing.
#stupidmidwestendlesswinter

Me: Josh, that lady who is singing is named Aretha Franklin. She’s singing about how her man should treat her with respect. She is a very strong black lady.
Josh: Just like me.
Well. . . I guess he’s half right.

March 16, 2013
by Maralee
1 Comment

Let’s Talk about Husbands. Really.

So I wrote a post recently about how Saturdays kind of stink when you’re a mom. Part of that post included how my husband isn’t exactly helpful on Saturdays the way I would like him to be. It was surprising to me to see some people react to this thought with words about how great and helpful their husbands are on Saturdays or how they feel bad for those of us with these lazy loser guys. Obviously, I’m thrilled for you that this isn’t an issue on your Saturday. And what should be equally obvious is that of course my husband isn’t sitting around like a log every Saturday asking me to bring him a beer while he watches endless basketball games (or more accurately, endless “Doctor Who” episodes). If that were the case, there’s no way I would have brought four kids into this home. There are days when it works for him to have some extra relaxing time (and times when I get some more relaxing time) and then there have been the last three months when he was completely useless in helping me with the kids because he was doing construction work on a basement bedroom so we could update our foster license to take in more children— a thought he is totally open to and excited about as much as we know it will turn our life upside down. . . again. So while it has been frustrating for me to have to pick-up the weekend slack, I am also entirely in love with this man’s heart for kids who might need our home.

A helpful hint for the one random single guy who might be reading this:  Here’s what initially attracted me to Brian—he taught Sunday School. He spent every Sunday morning teaching a rowdy group of elementary school kids. He was faithful to it, passionate about it, and the kids loved him. I knew that was the kind of guy I wanted to marry. Somebody who had that love for other people’s kids, even though I had no idea we’d someday do group home work or foster parent or adopt. I just knew I wanted my kids to have the best dad and this was the guy.

But marriage isn’t easy. Husbands aren’t perfect. Marriages fall apart at an alarming rate both inside and outside Christian community. Brian and I have had our hard moment of staring divorce in the face and realizing we didn’t liked the way it looked. Continue Reading →

March 15, 2013
by Maralee
14 Comments

Why Moms Hate Saturdays

Husbands, ever wonder why your wives are cranky on Saturdays? It’s Saturday—the day where people are supposed to be relaxed and happy and seizing the moment. I’m going to fill you in, but it will require a trip down memory lane.

Mothers, remember Fridays? Fridays used to be awesome. You could stay up as late as you wanted because tomorrow was Saturday.  o reason to get up early and no big obligations. You ate crazy food and watched movies or went out and enjoyed yourself. Friday night was a time with no rules where you could really let loose and relax.

So then you had kids. Maybe one baby made the big change or maybe it took a van-load before you realized it would be a long time before there was ever a moment you could really let loose. But you still tried. Fridays were still kind of awesome. Once the kids were in bed you put on your pajamas, put in a movie, maybe you heated up a frozen pizza, and then you stayed up late enjoying some “free time.” On rare occasions maybe you even made it out of the house for a date and if you’ve got an amazing babysitter and/or some super compliant kids, maybe they were even in bed and asleep when you got home. “See!” you said to yourself, “Friday can still be awesome.”

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March 13, 2013
by Maralee
2 Comments

Parenting Tip of the Day #4- Coats

I am getting so anxious for spring!  It has been a long, cold winter made all that much colder by having to spend a large portion of it buckling kids into carseats.  There are some frustrations of being a mom you didn’t think about before living them and the amount of time you spend hustling cold kids through a parking lot or trying to arrange carseat buckles safely over coats while you freeze your tookus off are two of mine.  So I wanted to give you a tip about coats for the spring and fall months.

When we’re running errands or making a quick trip I don’t put coats on my kids.

I know, I know- they might freeze!  This is where I try to imagine my ancestors in the sod house laughing at me.  Exactly when are they going to freeze?  In my heated car or in the heated grocery store?  Really the amount of time my kids spend in the elements is minimal.

Here’s why sometimes (in the spring and fall) I don’t do coats:

–They are a pain to put on.  One child+one coat+ one mom = not a big deal.  At this point I have four small children and only one of them is consistently capable of working a zipper or a button, so it becomes a major time commitment to do that all myself.  Usually by the time I’ve got the third kid’s coat zipped the first one managed to wiggle out or spill something on it.

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March 12, 2013
by Maralee
7 Comments

Adoption and Name Changing (practical thoughts)

In my previous post I explained our philosophy behind naming our children. Now I’ll give you the practical thoughts if you’re considering adoption and wondering about naming issues. It’s important to me to clarify that these aren’t moral issues. I’m going to speak very black and white about them, but I have friends who have chosen to keep their child’s birth name exactly as it was and friends who have tossed the whole thing out for something new. I can support either of those choices when they’re made in love. You have to do what is right for your family, but this will be my overview of how we made these decisions:

Be okay with birthparent input– If you’re matched with a birthparent prior to the birth of that child, it would be beautiful to let them have some input in the child’s name. Don’t ask for it if you aren’t actually okay with it, but if there’s a way to honor them in the naming process, do it. You have two names you like equally? Let her weigh in. Are you okay with letting her choose the middle name? Give her that option. Can you give the child a name that connects her to her birthmom or cultural heritage? Consider those options.

Keep their birth name– It’s a very real way to show you value their birth family. When they came to you, their name was all they had. Honor it.

Tweak their birth name– Sometimes a name will be really troublesome. A woman who isn’t prepared to parent may also not be thinking through the longterm affects of certain names, name combinations, or initials. I have a friend who changed her daughter’s name, but gave her a name that related to her tribe. This friend also had another child come to her with a difficult name, so from his earliest days they called him by his initials. When the adoption was finalized they continued to call him by those initials, but changed what they stood for. If you need to change a name entirely, think of creative ways to tweak the birth name or honor the birthparents by using a new name that references back to their history.

Fix difficult spellings– If your child has a name where the spelling makes it difficult to pronounce, it’s okay to change the spelling. My daughter’s birth name included a complicated spelling that even her extended birth family rarely got right. Being a woman with a complicated spelling of my own, I didn’t want to saddle her with that. The spirit is to honor the gift their birth parents gave them which can be done without strict adherence to the original form.

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March 11, 2013
by Maralee
6 Comments

Adoption and Name Changing (the philosophy)

When people find out three of my children are adopted, they will often ask about their names.  Did we keep their birth names?  How did we decide?  There are lots of theories about adoption and names (here are my practical tips).  Some people believe you should keep the name they came with to honor their heritage and birth family.  Some believe you should change it to establish a connection between that child and your family.  When we were deciding how to handle naming our children, we looked at the Bible.

When Adam was given responsibility to care for the animals, what was his first task?  He named them (Genesis 2:19-20) just like God named Adam.  It’s part of the way we are wired to express authority and responsibility.  We also see how God changed the names of certain people to represent a major change or calling in their life (Abram to Abraham, Sari to Sarah, Jacob to Israel, Simon to Peter, Saul to Paul and others).  The meaning was important and their names were changed to reflect a new meaning in their life.

You could gather from this that adoptive parents should always change names entirely, but I haven’t felt comfortable with that.  The Bible is clear that we are to honor our father and mother, but we don’t see if it says “birth father” or “adoptive father”.  I think when possible we do our best to honor both.  Part of the reason we chose the names Joshua and Daniel for our sons was because they were both men who (like our boys) had to learn to cope in a culture that wasn’t their own.  We want to acknowledge the reality that our children had lives and history and culture long before we became their family.

I love that in Exodus 33:17 we read:  And the Lord said to Moses, “This very thing that you have spoken I will do, for you have found favor in my sight, and I know you by name.”  Who gave Moses his name?  It was his adoptive, Egyptian mother.  God not only knew Moses, He knew him “by name”.  Names matter to God.  They also matter to us.

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March 10, 2013
by Maralee
Comments Off on A Life in Status- March #2, 2013

A Life in Status- March #2, 2013

(Come see it unfold)

It’s always nice when a stranger at the grocery store notices your family and decides to ask questions about adoption and foster care. While you’re gushing about the blessings you notice her looking behind you. . . at your children trying to spank each other while climbing into the milk case. Sigh. . .

Josh: Can I have hot lunch today?
Me: No, you’re having it on Thursday. The options are spaghetti or Hawaiian pizza.
Josh: A lion pizza?! I’ll have that one.
#carnivore

For future reference: It’s probably best not to assemble your crockpot meal and your homemade laundry detergent at the same time.
#mmmmsoapypork #hipstermomproblems

Daughter: Mommy, you get us circle crackers? (Ritz)
Me: Oh, I forgot that you like those! Next time you can go with me and remind me.
Daughter: It okay. You still my mommy.
Whew! Close one.

This five minutes of The Baby not crying is brought to you by Nilla Wafers. Cookie? Cracker? All I know is it takes a baby five minutes to gum it into an unrecognizable paste, which buys me just enough time to clear the table from dinner. Win/win.

So I was contacted by someone from Nebraska Public Television about potentially doing a 3 minute parenting tip video as part of their Positive Parenting Outreach Program. Ummmmmmm yes, please.

I’m pretty sure first babies walk earliest because they don’t worry about anybody accidentally knocking them over.

Me: (hearing my radio spot on the air while we’re in the car waiting to pick up Josh) Hey, that’s mommy! Guys, that’s mommy on the radio!
Son and Daughter: (no response)
Me: Do you hear that? That’s mommy talking about you!
Son and Daughter: (no response)
Me: Do you hear that-
Daughter: Oh YAY!!! (squeal of recognition)
Me: See! That’s mom- oh, were you just yelling because you saw Josh coming to the car?
Daughter: Yes, Mommy.
These guys are not easy to impress.

Is my kid the only one who at this point in the school year doesn’t have any jeans without holes in the knees?

I should not be allowed to listen to the 3 and 4 year-olds sing the AWANA Cubbies song. I cry every.time.

I heard someone passed along my blog to a friend who was sick of “the perfect mommy blogs” and looking for something more real. I’m choosing to take that as a compliment.

Me: So what was your favorite part of the day?
Josh: When I ate that extra piece of bread I packed with my lunch.
Former starving African or just a boy? Sometimes it’s hard to tell. Either way, he’s easy to please.

I’m about to go have coffee with some ladies. In order to be the kind of lady other ladies want to have coffee with, I’m going to need some pre-coffee coffee. It’s just the truth.

Leftover oatmeal is God’s way of punishing procrastinators. If you clean it up immediately it wipes right off. Wait ten minutes and it’s turned into the mortar the Isrealites used to build the pyramids.

It took six years for my firstborn to realize the way I dance is totally lame and embarrassing.
#funwhileitlasted

Danny found a beautiful feather today and wanted me to make him a headdress like he’s seen in pictures of his ancestors. Then he wanted to know if they could fly when they wore those. . .
So I guess we still have some educating to do.

Nothing like trying to back quietly out of your child’s room in the dark after putting them to bed and accidentally stepping on the sit-n-spin and launching yourself into the wall.

Well, we had our first ever sibling cutting another sibling’s hair incident. I’m pretty mad, but also thankful it didn’t involve my daughter.
#priorities

We were just informed by a neighbor that our van door was open. Yes. . . we now have a small winter wonderland inside our van. You can make the automatic doors easy to shut, but that doesn’t mean the four year-old will consistently do it.
#doublecheck

So sweet to hear two six year-old boys (my son and his cousin) saying “I love you” as they’re getting ready to get off the phone with each other. May they always be that shameless about expressing their love for the people that matter.

My husband calls the house when he hears The Baby’s favorite song on the radio so I can have him listen to it on speakerphone.
#awesomedad

March 9, 2013
by Maralee
Comments Off on Who deserves an apology?

Who deserves an apology?

I don’t think apologizing is a concept that comes naturally to any of us.  You realize that especially quickly when you’re trying to teach your children about taking responsibility for their actions.  In our home, this includes not only apologizing to the person you’ve wronged, but also to God.  Just recently I was working through this for the millionth time with my three year-old.  I asked him, “Danny, who do you need to apologize to?”  He answered, “I sorry, Mommy.”  I said, “That’s right.  And who else?”  He looked around the room, “I sorry, Doggie?  I sorry, Baby?”  I told him, “No, not the dog or your brother this time” and then I helpfully pointed up trying to indicate he needed to apologize to God.  Danny nodded his head and said with understanding, “Oh.  I sorry, clouds.”

We’ve obviously still got a ways to go to help Danny learn that when we sin it doesn’t just hurt those around us, but also effects our relationship with God.  It can take a lot of practice for us to develop a habit of confession and accountability that includes our brothers and sisters and also acknowledges our need for a savior.  We have to learn to be humble enough to admit our failings and reach out for a loving God who doesn’t hold them against us.  I am so thankful God sees me in my weakest moments and is holding out his arms, waiting to forgive when I ask.