A Musing Maralee

November 28, 2012
by Maralee
12 Comments

The Unexpected Adoption Pain: Loss and Disruption

We like to talk about adoption in happy terms. What a blessing it has been to me to get to parent my amazing kids and I’m SO thankful adoption makes that possible. It has been a beautiful event in the life of our family, but we can’t deny that it has its origins in pain. The pain we experienced as an infertile couple. The pain our children’s first families experienced in losing their kids. The pain our children went through when they lost all that was familiar to them.

When we started the adoption process we learned about these kinds of losses through our adoption education. We grieved our own and we felt such compassion and empathy for our kids and their families even before we met them. We knew pain was involved, but we looked forward to the joy that would come when we would become parents and be able to give a child a home.

What we didn’t anticipate was the heartbreaking pain we experienced about a year before bringing our first son home.

We had a homestudy, read the books, paid the fees, waited and waited and waited. Finally our names were next on the list and the call came. Would we be willing to take two brothers- two years-old and six months? We had only expected to take one child, but we prayed about it and said yes. For three months we had their picture on our fridge. We sent it to all our friends and family in our Christmas card. We told everybody what their new names would be. We worked on readying their room and prepared to travel when their paperwork was finished. And then just a couple days after Christmas we got another call.

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November 27, 2012
by Maralee
2 Comments

Does adoption cost too much?

The cost of adoption is something that universally comes up in adoption conversations. Sometimes it’s from an insensitive stranger who feels compelled to ask, “How much did he cost.” Sometimes it’s the shock of a couple who thought because there are children that need homes and couples who want them, there shouldn’t be such a high cost associated with a mutual meeting of needs. It can be really frustrating if you’re trying to explain why you need to save up or fundraise for an adoption and people are expressing surprise that people aren’t handing these kids out for free. So here are my quick thoughts on the cost of adoption:

1) It doesn’t have to be expensive! Adoption from foster care is essentially free. Some adoption agencies are donor supported and have no fees (The Nebraska Children’s Home Society in our area is one example). Financial constraints don’t have to keep you from adopting.

2) A lot of the adoption costs make sense. Giving birth is expensive. Legal contracts are expensive. Immigration is expensive. Add all those costs together and you have some idea about why adoption is so pricey. Add onto that post-placement services for adoptive families and birthmothers, administrative costs of having orphanage staff or stateside staff, costs associated with caring for kids who will never be adopted or providing counseling and services to women who will eventually choose to parent. Maybe you don’t feel like adoptive parents should shoulder those costs, but unless your agency is donor supported, that’s how it’s going to work.

3) It’s not a bad thing to put your money where your mouth is. The fact that adoption is expensive may help people fully think through the ramifications. Collecting the money can take time, which also gives you time to get educated. You may have to rely on some community support, which will also be an important resource after your child comes home. Requiring this level of investment may weed out people who aren’t fully committed. We were so blessed by friends who contributed substantially to our adoption and it was an amazing example of God’s graciousness to us. It helped us realize we couldn’t do this on our own in a way nothing else could. It was an important lesson we needed to help us prepare for the many times we’d need to ask for help and seek out resources later.

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November 26, 2012
by Maralee
25 Comments

International vs. Foster Adoption- Can’t we all just get along?

I had a conversation with a pastor who was looking to start a ministry to recruit foster parents and support foster children and families in crisis within his church. We were talking about the needs of these different groups and how he can be communicating to his congregation the realities of their situations. He was telling me that he thought this should be pretty easy because the church had a number of families that had adopted internationally. Surely if a group of people have been touched by the needs of an orphan across the world, they will readily jump at the chance to help a child in need down the street, right? If only it were that simple.

Having done international adoption first and then adopting two kids from foster care, this is an issue I have seen from both sides. I have spent time explaining the needs of international orphans to those experienced in foster care. I have spent time explaining the needs of the foster children in our community to those who have adopted internationally. I have had frustrating moments in those conversations where I see somebody minimizing the true, heartbreaking needs of a child. That feels very personal to me, because whether they realize it or not, they are talking about my child. They are explaining how one of my kids would have been fine without any intervention or how one of my kids isn’t their responsibility.

So here’s what I wish my friends in both communities could understand:

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November 23, 2012
by Maralee
4 Comments

A Very Bradley Thanksgiving

I love Thanksgiving. What’s not to love? Food, fall weather, family, and a nod to the ingenuity and unity of some Pilgrims and their Indian friends. This has been an especially meaningful holiday for my family because of the genealogical efforts of the historians on my mom’s side. Believe it or not, they can trace our ancestry all the way back to The Mayflower, so Thanksgiving has always seemed a bit more personal as we imagine what it would have been like for us to have experienced the harsh reality of “The New World”.

And then it got even more personal. In February of 2009 we brought home a little Lakota Sioux baby from the hospital. We had received our foster parent license in the mail on the same day we got a phone call about this little guy. Born too early and too tiny, he was waiting for a family to step into the unknown of what his life might be like. And we decided to be that family.

(photos by Rebecca Tredway)

At nearly four years-old now, he asks me over and over to tell the story of when we first met him. It always brings me to tears and he laughs and laughs about what the nurse said who first introduced us.

Me: I remember the nurse asking me, “What do you think of him?” And I said-

Danny: He juss booiful.

Me: Right! And then-

Danny: Mommy cried. ‘Cause you love me so much.

Me: Yep. And then the nurse said-

Danny: “Well, he a hairy monkey.”

And he WAS a hairy monkey! He had a full head of jet black hair that covered not only his scalp, but was also pretty prominent on his forehead, his bushy eyebrows and all the way down his back. I remember thinking he might be one of those wolf people, but I already loved him too much to care.

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November 21, 2012
by Maralee
Comments Off on The Transracial Adoptee’s Voice

The Transracial Adoptee’s Voice

This week as part of National Adoption Awareness Month we’ve been thinking through transracial adoption. I am really glad to be able to share the story of a friend of mine who has such great insight into this topic as an adult adoptee from Korea. I’m respecting her desire for anonymity and I’m so grateful she’s willing to share her honest experiences here. She even added some additional thoughts after the questions I asked. Heads-up: one of her additional thoughts made me cry. Get ready to be moved and to learn!

Give us a brief description of why your parents decided to adopt.

My parents biologically had my brother (who is 11 years older than me) and then after several miscarriages and some failed domestic adoptions, they decided to pursue international adoption. At the time, transracial/international adoption was very new. My mother said she went to an information session in the big town near ours and after seeing a young, adopted Korean girl interact with her adoptive parents, my mother was sold. She filled out her initial paperwork right there after the seminar.

What is your understanding about why your birthfamily made an adoption plan for you?

I have no information about my birthfamily. I know I was adopted from an orphanage in Seoul. I know I had pneumonia when my parents got me.

What has your adoptive family done to keep you connected to your ethnicity? To your birthfamily?

The top drawer of my dresser growing up held the mementos of my adoption. There aren’t many, but it’s a little pair of Korean shoes, a book about Korea and the stuffed bear that I arrived with. We never did much to embrace Korean heritage (as far as eating food or celebrating Korean holidays), and that is honestly fine with me. The main thing I think was that my family always spoke highly of South Korea, citing how beautiful it’s supposed to be and how the people there are nice. My mother always spoke extremely highly of my birthmother and with gratitude in her heart. I think this freed me up to feel that I could connect to my ethnicity in whatever capacity I desired. I do not have any connection to my birthfamily and really know nothing of the circumstances that I came from.

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November 20, 2012
by Maralee
2 Comments

Transracial Parenting- Preparing Your Life

As transracial adoption becomes more and more common, you may be wondering if it would be a good fit for your family. Here are some practical questions I’d encourage you to ask yourself before deciding to take the next step:

How does your family feel about it?

You will find a lot of people that tell you it doesn’t matter how anybody feels about your adoption. I am not one of those people. It’s not because I think you should be bullied into avoiding a certain kind of adoption, it’s because I want you to consider what the experience will be like for your child. The experience of being adopted into an extended family that doesn’t approve of you or your addition of the family. Is that fair to this child? Is that a family you’d like to be added to? While the initial reactions of surprise and negativity don’t mean you shouldn’t pursue what you feel God is asking you to do, I do think it’s important to consider what it will mean long-term to your child if those initial reactions don’t change. Are you willing to cut ties with unsupportive family members? You may need to consider that reality before pursuing further if you are running into resistance.

Are you ready to become a student of your child’s culture?

If you’re going to communicate a love and respect for your child’s culture, you’re going to need to know a little something about it. I’m on twitter and follow a number of organizations that deal with Liberian issues and Native American issues so I can be up-to-date on what’s going on. We have lots of books both directed at a child’s understanding level and books we’ve enjoyed reading for our own education. We watch documentaries about our the cultures our kids came from and do our best to keep communication with their birthfamily so we can know more specifically how they embrace their culture.

Are you ready to be the center of attention?

There is a mystery for me out there. Sometimes I hear white mamas talking about how frustrated/angry/uncomfortable they are with people looking at their multiracial family. Really? Did you not know this was going to happen? Our eyes are just drawn to those things that are different or that we don’t immediately understand. Of course there are times when I don’t love this (especially if my kids are acting up while we’re out in public) and times when I used to be much more self-conscious (I felt SO awkward our first Halloween where I felt like explaining at every house that we were this child’s parents), but I always knew this would happen. If you don’t want that level of attention when you’re out and about, you’re probably better off in a color-coordinated family.

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November 19, 2012
by Maralee
7 Comments

Transracial Adoption- Preparing Your Heart

As the last step in our adoption process, Brian and I travelled to Liberia to pick up our son. When we boarded the plane in Knoxville for the first leg of our journey it was a flight made up entirely of white people. The next flight out of Dallas had a little more color. The large plane from New York was substantially more colorful including several people in outfits that looked very traditionally African. By the time we boarded the last plane that went from Brussels to Senegal and then on to Liberia we had become the minority. There were less than five white people on that last plane and I felt more than a little uncomfortable. All of the sudden we became aware of the distinctions between the Liberians (milk chocolate) and the Senegalese (dark chocolate) on the plane- distinctions we wouldn’t have noticed before. You better believe we made eye contact and smiled at the couple other white people on that flight and felt most comfortable making smalltalk with them.

Once we were in Liberia we found ourselves the center of attention everywhere we went, especially as a white couple totting around an adorable Liberian baby. It was incredibly unnerving. Again, we found ourselves searching out other white families because we assumed we had certain things in common with them. . . and because that felt safer.

It was the first time I really thought about what it must be like to be a black person in Nebraska. It was eye-opening for me and has changed the way I evaluate situations when I think from the perspective of my kids. Just recently we went to a Kiwanis pancake fundraiser. When I walked into that room filled with hundreds of people all I could think was, “Why is this so WHITE?” I just imagined being my son and searching the room for somebody- ANYBODY- who looked like me. I hate putting him in situations where he is the only one. I can’t imagine that it’s comfortable for him and so it isn’t comfortable for me either. Obviously, you’re not going to find a lot of racial diversity in Nebraska, so instead I look for an accurate representation, percentage wise. Nebraska is about 5% African American, so I want my son to be in situations where at least that 5% is represented. In his class of 24 Kindergarteners he has 6 kids who aren’t white. I’m okay with that representation, but it may not have been a coincidence. I had to be a bit aggressive about making sure Josh had kids in his class that looked like him and I’m thankful his school was able to accommodate.

These are the kinds of things you think about when you become a transracial family.

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November 16, 2012
by Maralee
Comments Off on Two Adoptee Voices- Part 2

Two Adoptee Voices- Part 2

Okay, here’s Part 2 of our adoption stories from Nick and Tara. To read part one, head on over here: www.amusingmaralee.com/2012/11/two-adoptee-voices-part-1/ Today’s post will be slightly different in style from yesterday’s. Because Nick is a Rockstar he totally threw out the last half of my questions (with my total blessing) and just shared some honest, deep stuff with me that he’s processed about his adoption and adoption in general. He says he would have finished the original questions, but there was an incident involving a lady with a hatchet at the CVS across from his work that I won’t even try to go into. Suffice to say- Lincoln can be an interesting town at 3 a.m. and Rockstars don’t like to finish what you’ve asked them to do until the last minute when hatchet-weilding crazies are likely to interfere 🙂 So enjoy his thoughts on two interesting topics- adoptees and substance abuse, and Nick’s take on nature vs. nurture. They’ve given me a lot to think about as far as what an adoptive parent’s role can be in each of these issues.

After that you’ll find Tara’s answers to the rest of my questions. Such beautiful stuff, especially for those of us raising daughters and wondering how they will continue to process their adoptions as they marry and become mothers themselves.

I hope this is as helpful for you as it has been for me! A big thanks to Tara and Nick for their honesty here.

Nick’s final thoughts on adoption- the good and the bad.

The Bad

I will tell you this one last thing- I worry about the rates of alcohol and drug abuse among adopted kids. It’s not something you want to hear, which is why I have to say it. A lot of us are perfectly happy people with our friends and families and loved ones. We genuinely love our family and friends, but I think there is something missing with some people. It’s something they can’t ever get out of their heads, and when they get drunk and talk about it, it all spills out on the floor and it becomes hours of pent up talking. I know a lot more drunks than most people do. I run a bar. I’ve played in rock bands for years. But a good percentage of people I know who were adopted drink a lot or do drugs regularly. Not necessarily because they are adopted or anything- I wouldn’t nearly drag it that far, but I’ve noticed that when these friends of mine are drinking and around me they have to have that “adoption” talk. They need to spill their guts with someone else who is adopted because they have pent up issues- they still think about it all the time when they are adults. I’ve had this one girl tell me the same story, wasted about a dozen times. She finally found her birth mom. I feel like I’ve got my demons out, but I thought about it for years, wrote one good song about it and then sang that song on tour for another 6 years. If anyone got it out of his guts its me. 🙂

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November 15, 2012
by Maralee
4 Comments

Two Adoptee Voices, Part 1

I’m so thankful I get to share Nick and Tara’s stories with you. I shared yesterday (www.amusingmaralee.com/2012/11/adult-adoptees-listening-to-their-stories/) about Tara’s influence in my life and I’d love for you to read that before you read this, just so you know what a blessing it is to get to hear her story.

I’ve known Nick since I was in high school (Rockets 4 Life). Remember in high school how boys were mean? How they teased everybody and put people down to make themselves seem cool? Nick was never like that. That’s what I always remember about him. He was one of the few genuinely NICE people which means he always had a crowd of friends from all different walks of life. Through the wonders of facebook we’ve been able to stay connected and it’s fun to see his love for his wife, his dog, his garden, his band, and his passion for helping kids embrace the joy of music. He’s been a great support to me and has been willing to answer my adoption questions with a lot of openness and honesty, which is why I wanted him to share with you (and also he has a great sense of humor, which makes it fun to read). And in our family he will always be honored as the guy who first introduced us to the Parry Gripp video Baby Monkey (Going Backwards on a Pig). You tube it. You’ll be glad you did.

So, I know this will be long so I’ve divided it into two parts, but it’s absolutely worth your time to read. I love seeing the juxtaposition of Tara (the soul of a poet and so gentle) with Nick (brutal honesty, practical). Dive in!

Why did your parents decide to adopt?

Tara- When my parents married, they knew they wanted children and a family. They tried for years to get pregnant, but discovered along the way that due to my mom’s endometriosis and a few other health issues, they could be prevented from this ever happening for them. It was after eight years of trying and waiting, that they began the adoption process through the nebraska children’s home society.

Nick-My folks were married in their twenties, but by the time they were close to 30, stable, homeowners, and ready to have children, something wasn’t happening for them. They tried — relentlessly they tell me (yuck), but could not get pregnant. They decided to adopt and found themselves waiting on a long list of other couples. When the time came for me to be born, they were contacted by the doctor who delivered me in Omaha, a family friend who knew my folks were looking. My adoption was penned between my birth mother and my parents, a closed adoption, and my parents went from being married to married with a kid in a matter of days. I can only imagine how fast it must have been for them. Nine months to plan or a couple days to prepare… They became parents almost instantly.

What is your understanding about why your birth parents chose adoption?

Tara- My understanding of “why” began at a very young age, when my parents began sharing my adoption story with me. My mom laughs as she recalls joking that “the stork accidentally dropped me off at the wrong door”, but i somehow still found my way to the home where I belonged. They told me from an early age that the mama who had me wasn’t able to take care of me, so she chose for me to be with a mom and dad who could. What I understood as I got older, was that my birth parents never intended to be married or stay together. She was only sixteen years old when she gave birth, and he was nineteen. The decision to place me for adoption was a decision made by them both, together with my extended biological family, for reasons I believe were for my well-being, that I might have a better chance at life. There is no information that suggests they ever considered another option.

Nick- My birth mother is the only one who could say. My adoption is closed. Like, black-ops closed. I only know that she was young, possibly in college, and that she just wasn’t ready.

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November 14, 2012
by Maralee
2 Comments

Adult Adoptees- listening to their stories

I think adoptive parents are consummate researchers. We look at agencies, we check out homestudy requirements, we know what countries are open or closed, we read read read all we can about adoption. In that quest to know what the process is going to be like and what our kids might experience, we will hopefully run across some adult adoptee stories.

These aren’t all easy to hear. As with much of life, those who are unhappy often have the loudest voices. Some adoptees were brought into dysfunctional families and went from one sad situation into another. Many came from great adoptive families, but always felt like something was missing. Many are now angry that they didn’t have a say in a decision that ultimately determined the course of their life.

And as an adoptive parent, these stories are tough to read. I make it a habit to spend some time a couple days a month reading through these stories. I want to be prepared if my kids struggle the ways these adults do. I give my kids the freedom to feel whatever they need to feel about their adoptions, even if it’s hard for me. I know whatever experiences I may have in life, I will never know what it feels like to have been placed for adoption and raised in an environment different from my biology, so I want to be respectful if my kids have hard feelings about that. But it can make adoptive parenting feel like a futile task. Like you’re loving and nurturing a ticking time bomb- a child who will some day come to hate you and resent the very act that brought them into your family.

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