A Musing Maralee

October 29, 2012
by Maralee
Comments Off on A Practical Theology of Trick-or-Treating

A Practical Theology of Trick-or-Treating

I try to avoid talking about Halloween. In this day and age it seems to be one of those topics (like whether or not you tell your kids Santa is real) that defines you as THAT mom. It puts me on one side of a fence and maybe you’re standing there on the other. I don’t like that. So first and foremost let me be totally clear— you have to be true to your conscience. Whatever it is God is asking your family to do, DO IT. On this issue I stand with anybody who is obeying God’s calling even if it means we disagree on how that practically works out. So with that in mind, here’s my personal history with Halloween and how we participate in it as a family today:

As a kid I loved Halloween. It was a time for playing dress up (yay!), eating candy (yay!), carving pumpkins (yay!), and putting up some spooky decorations (yay!). My mom had one rule— we didn’t dress up as anything “evil”. No devils, no ghosts, no witches. As the mom now I would add clowns to that list, but that’s just me. We had a very safe home and neighborhood and my parents didn’t let us watch scary movies, tv shows, or read scary books. We weren’t fearful kids and we enjoyed Halloween for the fun time that it was.

Fast forward to our group home years. Brian and I worked with kids who had experienced some scary things. Real life scary things. Sometimes they could talk with us about those things, but sometimes they were too deep and personal for them to ever feel safe revealing. The rules about living in community with those kids required us to never intentionally scare them (not even yelling “boo” when somebody came around the corner), no scary movies or books and we didn’t participate at all in Halloween. This makes total sense to me and I don’t at all find it to be a contradiction to how I was raised. These kids had a different life experience that told them the world wasn’t safe and we were doing our best to help them learn to trust again. It would not have been worth it to engage in a day (or a month as it seems Wal-Mart has decided) of scaring the living daylights out of them for the damage it would have done to our relationship. The people we worked under had strict religious reasons for why Halloween was spiritually damaging and theologically questionable. I agreed in the context of the kids we were dealing with, but have felt free to make the decision that works best for my own family now that we are in a different enviornment.

So what have we decided to do?

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October 26, 2012
by Maralee
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You Can Say it Because it’s True

Much has been written about the things NOT to say to people in my world- what NOT to say to adopted kids, transracial families, foster parents, infertile women, etc. For the most part I am totally behind that, especially because it just seems like common courtesy. Consider them basic guides to not putting your foot in your mouth. And nobody needs that kind of instruction more than me.

So as much as I’m supportive of helping people have more awareness on these issues, I did manage to get my hackles up the other day. I was involved in a conversation with a group of women who have “large” families (averaging 4-6 kids) who were complaining about the things people say to them about their broods. I can admit that some of these comments border on vulgar (“You do know what causes that, right?”), but I don’t understand all the fuss about the phrase “you’ve sure got your hands full.” This is a phrase I hear pretty regularly. And by “regularly” I mean literally every Tuesday at the grocery store. Sometimes there’s a sweet variation from the guy restocking the produce who says, “you’ve got a lot of helpers.” Yes. . . helpers. . . But I cannot get through a grocery store trip without some kindly lady saying that dreaded phrase “you’re sure got your hands full”. I heard these other moms talking about how much they detest that phrase because they feel it implies their kids are burdens. They found it offensive. Like, REALLY offensive. They were talking about these prepackaged responses they now give out when people say that to them to try and set those people straight. I get that it does carry some implications, but it really doesn’t bother me. Here’s how I see it:

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October 24, 2012
by Maralee
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For My Son’s First Mom

To the Woman Who Gave my Son Life,

This week we celebrate the sixth birthday of the little boy you gave birth to and who made me a mother. Last night he and I sat cuddled on the couch and looked at the one picture we have of you and talked about how you might be feeling when you remember the day of this boy’s birth.

If you could see him, you would be so proud. He just loves life. He runs and jumps and spins and smiles and never NEVER stops talking unless he’s asleep. He’s bright and he loves people and he loves God. He is a joy to be around if you can just keep up with him.

And sometimes in his quieter moments, he asks about you. He said he wants to go to Liberia to meet you. He said he wants to bring you flowers and thank you for being his mom. I love that his heart has room for both of us to be loved and cherished as his mom. He prays for you and hopes to see you someday in heaven if he doesn’t get to meet you on earth.

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October 22, 2012
by Maralee
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Adjusting my Prayers

I go to a chiropractor. I started during my pregnancy to deal with some back pain and to hopefully help get Joel in the right position for birth. . . well, we tried. I still go occasionally and if there’s one thing I’ve learned it’s that I am a bad chiropractic patient. I can NOT let go. I can’t relax and just let somebody adjust me. This is also a problem I’ve had when I’ve gotten a pedicure. Am I the only one that has a hard time just releasing my foot into that lady’s hand?

So as I was laying on the table getting adjusted this last week, and something was seeming familiar. He was telling me to relax. And I was trying. I mean, I really thought I was relaxing. And when I finally did get all the way relaxed I realized it seems like I am under the mistaken impression that it takes conscious effort on my part to keep my head attached to my body. If I totally relax and let go, won’t my head just roll off? Like I have no autonomous nervous system and I think I am responsible for every heartbeat, every blink, every breath. I can’t control my circumstances so I think sometimes my desire for control becomes this crazy desire to be in charge of every aspect of me.

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October 18, 2012
by Maralee
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Parenting in Reverse

Okay, I’ve written about how I have become a more relaxed parent and how I’m less judgmental of other parenting styles than I used to be. This is all true. This also might give you a false idea about what kind of parent I am. In spite of some relaxing and an ability to not throw up in my mouth anymore when somebody uses the phrase “attachment parenting”(For real, people- because I fed my baby on some kind of a schedule you think I’m not “attached” to him? I find the phrase itself offensive even though there are parts of the philosophy I believe in), I am still a pretty rigid parent. And I want to tell you why.

We raised kids in reverse order. We started with the big kind and have slowly over the last ten years worked our way down to a newborn. For five years Brian and I worked at a children’s home and the first group of kids we had included an 18 year-old, a 17 year-old, 3 13 year-olds, an 11 year-old, and a 6 year-old. It makes me exhausted just writing that out. But we loved it and we loved those boys. It was an incredibly helpful experience and has kind of made me wish everybody had to spend some time parenting a teenager before they could bring a baby home from the hospital.

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October 15, 2012
by Maralee
8 Comments

Comfort in Our Loss

Today (October 15th) is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. It has been four years since the loss of our first baby and three years since the loss of our second (both were ectopic pregnancies). It was a heartbreaking experience, but I feel so much peace now as I see how God has used that loss to drive us to be open to a different kind of family than we had originally pictured. It is interesting to me that I was pregnant at the same time as two of my children’s birthmoms and without the losses we experienced it is unlikely these two precious kids would have ended up in our home. I’m so thankful for Joel’s healthy pregnancy and birth that have helped complete the healing cycle for me.

I have been blessed to walk alongside many women who God has asked to endure the loss of their babies. I want to share what I have learned in case it will be helpful to any of you who are put in the position of offering comfort to a sister who is experiencing this pain.

– Please acknowledge this baby as a person. Even if the loss was very early in the pregnancy, we need to know that you understand this life mattered.

-Help us find a tangible way to memorialize that life. After the loss of our first baby my sister gave me a necklace with the name we had chosen for the baby engraved on it and what would have been the baby’s birthstone. With our second loss I got flowers from our church in honor of our baby. Those acknowledgements were very healing for me and helped me feel validated in my sadness.

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October 15, 2012
by Maralee
2 Comments

Maybe it’s time to have more kids

If you think you’ve got this parenting thing figured out, you probably don’t have enough kids yet.

There were some things I did really well when I just had one kid. Bedtime was this idyllic moment of stories and sippy cups and rocking. During meals my husband and I talked about our day, stopping only to coo at the adorable baby who was learning to feed himself quartered grapes. Bath time was bubbles and a rubber duck and my full attention on my Little Splasher. I wasn’t a perfect parent, but I was pretty close. It was easy to be consistent with rewards and consequences when there was just one child to pay attention to. Of course I had moments of frustration and a lot of moments where I didn’t know if I was doing things right. Seriously, I had no idea what I was doing, but I was blessed with a surprisingly easy baby (surprising because he spent the previous ten months in an orphanage). And I was kind of a judgmental jerk.

We once went over to a friend’s house who had three young kids in close succession and we had a great time. We were also totally shocked. We were so uptight about how our one child behaved, we couldn’t figure out why these people didn’t care about how their three were running around like banshees. We left saying, “We will never be like that.” And four years later we looked at each other and said, “We are just like that.”

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October 9, 2012
by Maralee
5 Comments

Parenting Tip of the Day #2- The Doctor’s Office

Some people are free-spirited, flexible, go with the flow types. And then there’s me. For me, I’ve got to think through my plan for the day, prepare myself, go through several worst case scenarios so I’m prepared for those too, and then I can leave the house. This means new situations are a little stressful for me as I try to figure out the best way to do something or adjust to the expectations. This was SO true as I tried to figure out how to have a successful pediatrician visit.

We’re blessed to have healthy kids at this point, so we mostly deal with “well child” check-ups and having four kids in five years has made me quite a pro. So for any of you who want to have a go-to plan for how to make this experience as smooth as possible, here are my tips:

-Fill out any paperwork ahead of time- Some offices have their forms available on-line. I am so much happier when I can sit down with a bowl of popcorn on my couch and try and remember how many times I nurse the baby during a day instead of trying to figure that out while I’m juggling the baby and trying to keep the other three kids entertained in the tiny room I’m pretty sure has The Plague germs.

– Schedule appointments for the moments when your child will be happiest- stay away from nap time.

– Tuck a note in your back pocket of any current questions or concerns- I always forget that one question (Is that vein in his head supposed to stick out like that when he cries?) that’s been bothering me for weeks right at the moment the pediatrician says, “So, did you have any questions for me?” Now I just write it all down ahead of time so I don’t forget anything in the moment.

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October 8, 2012
by Maralee
2 Comments

The Day a Semi Smashed my Phone (some days are like that, even in Australia)

Some days I’ve almost got it all together. And some days I drive 20 minutes from home before hearing something roll off the roof of the car and 8 hours later when I go to reach for our home phone I remember that the last time I saw something vaguely resembling our home phone, a semi truck was driving over it while I watched in the rearview mirror thinking, “what idiot dropped his phone in middle of the highway”. It’s been one of those days. Oh well. I hear people don’t have home phones anymore, so I guess this was my subconscious shoving me in the direction of cultural normalcy. Thanks, subconscious. Thanks a lot.

We’ve all had those days that seem to just jump from one calamity to another. Maybe you’re having one right now as you look back in your van and realize the toddler is wearing two mistmatched shoes and has somehow already managed to wet his pants on the way to the library, or you put that cake in the oven only realize you mixed up baking soda and baking powder. . . again, or that email you meant to send to your sister accidentally went to somebody else who probably was not interested in all your thoughts on how your kids have been making you crazy.

I am so grateful that we have a God who is big enough to love us even through all our calamities- the little ones and the big ones. The next time I find myself in the midst of one of those days I want to give myself a little time-out to calm down, let go of my feelings of frustration and trust that God may be helping me through even this situation to learn humility, patience or perseverance to build my character. Those lessons will help me handle the next frustrating day with a little better perspective.

October 5, 2012
by Maralee
4 Comments

Messy is the New Clean

I think I’m an inverse hoarder. I get an emotional high from getting rid of stuff. I am constantly adding to the box in the garage that needs to go to Goodwill. When it finally gets dropped off I feel a little high and then hurry home to find more stuff to start a new box. I’m not saying my house is always clean (let’s be real people- I found dust ON my vacuum cleaner. sigh.), just that I have a little obsession with simplifying. It is probably my least favorite mom role that requires me to be Keeper Of The Stuff. I would rather change the apocalypse diaper than shove another craft project in the keepsake box.

So I really loved having my friend Emily come speak at a gathering of moms the other day about simplifying and organization. She talked about the cost of clutter to our lives and I was totally with her. Yay for less stuff! But. . . my life is still messy. In the time it takes me to make pancakes the kids managed to unroll a roll of toilet paper around the bathroom and squirt soap in the sink.

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