A Musing Maralee

June 21, 2012
by Maralee
1 Comment

We stay married for the kids. And because we’re in love.

My five year-old Josh is a bit of a romantic and often has questions about how marriage works. The other night he asked me “Mom, why does Daddy call you babe?” I said, “It’s just something nice to call someone you love. What do you think you’ll call your wife someday?” Josh pondered that for a minute and answered, “Well. . . I think I will call her hot dog.” He does have pretty strong feelings about how great hot dogs are, so I guess it makes sense.

As Brian and I approach our tenth anniversary this year I am ever conscious of the little eyes that watch our marital dynamics. I want to be laying the groundwork for their marriages today as I treat my husband with love and respect. I remember that during our days houseparenting at a children’s home I had one of the boys come to me and say, “Miss Maralee, I can tell when you’re really angry at Mr. Brian.” I was concerned that even though we tried to keep things peaceful this child had sensed those times when we had conflict. I asked him how he could tell and he said, “You get really serious and then you say, ‘Fine. We’ll do it your way’.” It’s amazing how sensitive kids are to conflict between parents! I want my kids to know that marriage isn’t easy and there will be times of conflict, but the sacrifices we have made to have love and faithfulness in our home have been worth it. When we love each other well even through trials, we honor God and imitate the love Christ has shown us. And when Mommy and Daddy take care of each other and have a solid friendship, that makes life better for our kids, too.

June 14, 2012
by Maralee
Comments Off on I have not been featured in “Better Homes and Gardens”

I have not been featured in “Better Homes and Gardens”

I keep reminding myself that some day the house will be clean again. Right now I am in an unusual season as I find in the time it takes me to tidy one room, the kids can untidy two of them. They are learning how to help out, but the process is slow. I can tell I won’t be winning any housekeeping awards this year because when I rolled the vacuum into my son’s room he yelled, “AAAHHH! What are you going to do with THAT thing?!”

I have also found myself secretly feeling relieved when a child drops and breaks a dish. My first thought is always “Well, at least I won’t have to wash that one.”

Having a child who is preparing to start Kindergarten in the fall is reminding me how very short this life is and how quickly these years of intense parental supervision fly by. The day will come when they will all be out the door at school or at summer camp and I can finally get that linen closet organized or complete their baby books or vacuum under the couch cushions. But I bet when that day gets here I’ll feel a sadness that they’re not underfoot and crying for my attention. And truthfully, I’ll probably never want to organize that linen closet.

But for now I try to walk that tightrope- investing my time and energy wisely in the daily tasks of mothering while also trying to stay just enough on top of the housework that I can feel okay inviting a friend over when she needs to talk. I hope you’ll pray with me- God, help me to be a good steward of the time you’ve given me and the little lives you’ve called me to care for.

June 1, 2012
by Maralee
Comments Off on I’ll learn to delay gratification. . . later.

I’ll learn to delay gratification. . . later.

You know you’re not a very confident baker when you’re adding up how much time it will take you to make your son’s birthday cake from scratch and you’re leaving enough time so you can make the back-up box cake mix if your first cake fails and also leaving enough time to run to the store for a bakery cake if it all goes downhill fast.

I don’t love baking. I think it has to do with my desire for instant gratification. I like to cook because I can see the hamburger browning right before my eyes. Baking requires perfect measurements, a multi-step process, and then after you’ve done all that work you have to put the thing in the oven for 30 minutes before you can eat it? No thanks.

I’ve seen that my pull towards instant gratification is evident in my three year-old Danny, too. I told my boys I would give them each a penny if they unloaded the silverware from the dishwasher. They are still blessedly at the age where a penny seems like a lot of money. While I cleaned up lunch Josh put the silverware away while Danny just went straight to my wallet and got himself a penny. You’ve got to admire his problem-solving skills even if he did inherit his mother’s distaste for delayed gratification.

You see, I find my cakes from scratch taste so good not because they turn out great, but because I can almost taste all the hard work that went into getting it just right. And isn’t that like our mothering? If I expect my child to hear me say, “Stay in the bed” and just obey, I may be disappointed. But what a sweetness there is when I’ve been consistent and faithful to enforce the rules and I finally have a child who puts himself in bed and stays there. Parenting sure isn’t about instant gratification even from the start, whether you endured nine months of pregnancy or a two year adoption wait.

May 7, 2012
by Maralee
Comments Off on I don’t care what you think of me. Unless it’s unfavorable.

I don’t care what you think of me. Unless it’s unfavorable.

I love being part of a book club with other women from my church. This summer we’re digging into a book that deals with our fears of the opinions of others. If I thought I was immune to that pressure, my kids certainly draw it out of me. I found that as my oldest child started dressing himself I started overcompensating for his lack of color-coordination by making the younger children extra coordinated with adorable accessories and freshly scrubbed faces. I did not want anybody to think my sense of style was at all represented by the preschooler on my left.

And I was devastated when my five year-old was asked by his pediatrician during his Kindergarten physical what kind of good, healthy, big boy foods he likes to eat. He looked at her with a blank stare and then answered, “Oh! Hamburgers. And coffee.” Apparently I’ve been wasting my money on all the organic carrots and strawberries because this child only remembers ever eating fast food and the one time I let him sip my coffee. I felt so humiliated and just wanted to melt into the floor.

Being a mother is definitely an exercise in humility and it’s a great way to give you constant practice on giving up this fear that you have to look like a perfect person. And when I can truly give that up, then in my struggles and in my triumphs people can see Christ in me instead of seeing a woman vainly trying to hold it all together.

May 1, 2012
by Maralee
Comments Off on Pizza would make me feel better

Pizza would make me feel better

I don’t know if all five year-olds are this way, or if it’s just my son Josh, but boy does that child have a flare for the dramatic! I have come running from the other room to attend to a cry that I’m sure must mean the child has lost a limb only to find that he was just having some frustration putting on his socks. It took me a couple years of trial and error to find a way to help him cope with these intense emotions, but I felt like I finally found a solution. When he was in the midst of a breakdown I started asking him, “What would help you feel better?” It seemed like having him try to find a solution to his problem got him to calm down a little. I’d often suggest a hug, some deep breathing or a glass of water and it seemed to do the trick.

One night a few weeks after we had put this plan in place I was doing dishes when I heard my son approach his dad. He said, “Daddy, I got hurt.” Brian asked, “Are you okay?” To which Josh replied, “Well, pizza would make me feel better. And hamburgers.” You know, I can’t blame the boy for trying.

It did make me think about how I handle pain in my own life. How often instead of taking my sadness or fears to The Lord in prayer do I try to find a distraction so I just don’t have to think about them? I’m probably just like Josh trying to drown my sorrows in pizza and hamburgers or maybe tv and shopping. Don’t I use my hard times as an excuse to do things I know aren’t good for me because hey- it makes me feel better and I’ve earned it, right? I want to be turning to God in times of crisis rather than to earthly pleasures and maybe then it’ll be easier to teach my kids to do the same.

April 21, 2012
by Maralee
Comments Off on “Good job, Mommy”

“Good job, Mommy”

It is absolutely lovely to parent a child who is a natural encourager. My daughter Bethany is one such child. If I finish my dinner, dress myself for the day or even just use the bathroom Bethany will congratulate me by saying, “Good job, Mommy”. If I’ve been really good, she’ll even give me a high five. Recently both Danny and Bethany ended up in my arms as I walked around the house. I said, “Whew! You kids are big!” Danny said, “Big, strong kids.” but Bethany said, “Big, strong Mommy.” She knows just how to melt my heart.

While I would probably continue to dress myself and finish my dinner without her encouragement, it has shown me how much we all need to be appreciated. My heart is so sensitive to her praise, especially since my days are mostly full of diaper changes, meal preparation, and mediating toddler battles- not a work environment where I’m likely to hear about what a great job I’m doing. Bethany’s example has encouraged me to reach out to other moms and offer them the same kind of love and praise my daughter so freely gives to me. It’s amazing to see how this universal language of love touches each of us and helps us stay dedicated to a job that can be tough even on its best days.

April 7, 2012
by Maralee
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Kids need Grandmas

I don’t want to sound like an old lady, but it surprises me how much some aspects of childhood have changed, especially when it comes to technology. My son was crying the other day about how a book of his got a “skip”. It took me a minute to figure out he meant that a page was ripped, but if damaged cds and dvds skip, I guess books can, too. He will also say after I take a cute picture of him “Can you put that on facebook?” Although, he’s not the most tech savvy five year-old. The other day he asked me if he could call his dad at work. I said he could and found it pretty funny when he looked at the buttons on the phone and said, “Okay, how do you spell ‘daddy’.” I told him you don’t spell anything, you have to dial the right numbers. To which he responded, “Oh. How old is daddy?” So we still have some teaching to do.

As much as childhood has changed with these technological advances, the important truths remain the same. After an overnight visit with my parents the kids kept asking me to sing what they were calling “the grandma song”. I finally figured out they were asking for “Jesus Loves Me”. Of course, this is a song I have sung to them many times, but Grandma sings it over and over until they fall peacefully asleep in her arms. She is passing down the simple words of our faith by singing over them. This is a faith that doesn’t change as technology does or with the changes in our society. The constant truth of the love of Jesus and his strength in the face of our weakness is something worth singing about. I pray my kids will pass this truth on to their children and that when I am the grandma I will never tire of singing it.

April 1, 2012
by Maralee
Comments Off on Guilt- the great motherhood equalizer

Guilt- the great motherhood equalizer

Is there anything more universal in parenting than guilt? I remember my very first night as a mother I lay sweating in sweltering heat under a mosquito net in Africa listening to a podcast about parenthood where a man spoke about the difficulties moms experience as they wrestle with guilt. Even though I had just been handed my son a mere 6 hours earlier, I could already identify.

Those feelings have only gotten stronger over the years as I wonder if I am doing right by my kids. I can feel guilty about the food they eat, how much time I should spend reading to them and don’t get me started on the frequency of their toothbrushing and flossing.

I realized this guilt had gotten out of hand when I was reading the kids a Bible story and started feeling guilty that they weren’t getting to play out in the beautiful sunshine. When you’re allowing yourself to feel guilty about reading the Bible to your kids, you are officially out of control. At some point we have to lay down this idol of perfectionism that causes our guilt. This desire to be the mom who makes the best brownies on the block while simultaneously reading her kids a story and mopping the floor. This fictional woman can rob me of the joy I could be finding in my life, even in the messiness. In motherhood even if you could do everything perfectly, there is no promise that your kids will turn out perfect. This lack of control can either throw me into a tailspin of guilt or it can free me and allow me to live in the grace God offers understanding that He is the one in control. I want to choose to do my best, let go of guilt and trust that God has my kids safely in the palm of His hand.

March 21, 2012
by Maralee
Comments Off on You know what they say about assumptions

You know what they say about assumptions

The other evening I took my five year-old Josh out on a grocery trip with me. Since the two of us rarely have time to chat about things without the interruptions of his younger siblings, I wanted to be really intentional about hearing what was going on in his life. I was wondering if he was having a tough time adjusting to another new baby in the house, so I asked him if there was anything he was struggling with. He answered with an emphatic “Yes” and I braced myself for his deep inner thoughts. He said, “You know how when you take a book out from the library you have to give it back? I don’t like that.” As much as you think you know your kids, sometimes you’re just not ready for their answers.

It made me realize how much stress I can add to my life by assuming things about my kids rather than just asking them. While I’m worried about the stress of new family dynamics on my son, he’s just worried about having to give back a library book. I have a tendency to filter the life of my kids through an adult lens and assume they are responding to life the way I would. I have forgotten how resilient kids can be and that whatever life we’re living is what seems normal to them. Four kids ages five and under? That’s normal life for my family. I need to learn to ask and then truly listen to find out what the struggles of my kids may be instead of assuming the worst and giving in to my worries. And besides, when you initiate a conversation with your kids, you may just be in for a good laugh- the best cure for worries I know.

March 14, 2012
by Maralee
Comments Off on “This is going to be harder than I thought, Pants.”

“This is going to be harder than I thought, Pants.”

So in the weeks since I gave birth to my son Joel I have finally lost enough weight to fit back into. . . my wedding ring. While becoming a parent through adoption certainly had it’s share of hardships, I did appreciate that it left my body relatively unscathed. I sure can’t say the same for pregnancy and a c-section birth. I can identify with my son Josh who was struggling to figure out how to work the zipper on his jeans the other morning and mumbled to himself, “This is going to be harder than I thought, Pants.” My thoughts exactly, Josh. I guess if I’m really interested in weight loss I should probably quit consoling myself with candy when my weight goes up or rewarding myself with candy when my weight goes down. Or maybe I’ll just get rid of the scale.

I have been surprised to realize how much this change in my appearance has changed how I feel about myself. In so many ways I have disentangled myself from needing the approval of society, but it wasn’t until recently that I’ve come to understand I have been calculating some of my worth based on my ability to meet a standard of beauty that now feels unobtainable. So I wrestle with questions about the importance of this body I’ve been given. Although it doesn’t look how it once did, it is still functional. But what if my body was damaged through accident or illness or even just age. Would I still have worth? I want to treat my body with respect, be thankful for the good health God has given me, but I also want to deeply realize that my worth is about more than this body and what it can do. My soul is what truly matters to God and I’m thankful for this change He has brought me through to help me realize it.