This is a guest post from a good friend of mine. I’m respecting her desire for anonymity, but you can find her introduction here. Enjoy!
What I want you to know:
-I’m the mom of four children and I’ve been breastfeeding nearly nonstop for eight years now.
-I’m an advocate for breastfeeding, but I don’t think it should be a topic that divides one mom from another.
-I think more women could successfully breastfeed if they were given an environment of encouragement and support instead of feeling guilty or condemned when things don’t go as they’d hoped.
-I nursed my first child till he was nearly four.
-I’m aware that the last bullet point made some of you choke on your coffee.
-In spite of that, I’d like you to give me a chance and to believe that I am actually a regular person and to try to hear my experience with an open mind.
-I like strong tea, a good book, a political argument, a moment alone, and always chocolate. (See, we’re not that different you and I. Chocolate brings everyone together.)
Briefly describe what your initial breastfeeding experiences were like with your child. Breastfeeding my first baby was darn hard. I imagined quiet, serene moments of mothering bliss. Ha! What I got instead was a poor latcher, sore nipples, sleepless nights, fits of crying (baby cried, too), and serious disillusionment. I had determined before he was born that I was going to nurse him come “hell or high water”, but it was definitely more difficult than I had anticipated. Thankfully, I had some excellent support and the determination to keep trying one more day. We finally figured each other out and began to be able to nurse well as a team after several long weeks.
What was your opinion of extended breastfeeding when your son was a baby? Was it something you’d considered for yourself?
Frankly, I was a bit shocked at the idea of nursing a toddler, and quite put off at the idea of nursing a preschooler. How disgusting and wrong! I certainly understand that reaction since I had it myself! It was something we sort of grew into. I had absolutely no idea I would nurse a child so long. He’s the child I’ve nursed longest, because he truly needed it. I would have probably tried to nurse my others till about two or so, but I found nursing through pregnancy challenging (to say the least) and the others have been weaned about 18-20 months because of that.
When did you know you’d be breastfeeding your child past his first year?
I found a book called “Mothering Your Nursing Toddler” and read it slack jawed. Once I got over the initial shock of the idea, I found myself asking, “Why not?” The more I considered it and studied the concept, the more I realized I only found the idea shocking because I wasn’t familiar with it. I’m not generally one to follow societal norms just because, and once I started asking why I should wean at a certain time or age, I found the reasoning unsatisfactory. I think it was some time in that first year that I allowed myself the freedom to just see where our path led us and not tie myself to a certain age for weaning.
Where did you go for support or resources about extended breastfeeding?
I read the book mentioned above, and I also found quite a bit of support from online friends. You may not realize it, but there are actually several women around you who have nursed a child quite a bit past that first year. It’s just not something we bring up over coffee. You’ll notice that this post is anonymous, and there’s good reason for that. I recognize the irony, since I’m doing this so a bit of light can be shed on the topic. The fact still remains people don’t understand it and are quite critical of it. There are very, very few people who know me in “real life” who are aware that I’ve nursed my babies and one older child so long. I definitely have family members who would be horrified. Why horrify them and subject myself to their judgment? I prefer to be a quiet revolutionary. 
Another book that was helpful to me as I nursed in pregnancy and for my one season of experiencing nursing a toddler AND a baby was “Adventures in Tandem Nursing”.
What was the biggest positive of extended breastfeeding?
The biggest positive for my oldest son was that I knew his needs were met. It gave him the security and reassurance he really needed. With the others, it was just sort of a given. We just…carried on. No big deal.
What was the biggest challenge?
The biggest challenge with my oldest son was that I grew to dislike it. By the time he was two, I was nursing him AND his infant brother. I was exhausted and touched out. I was nursing about a dozen times a day. I felt like all I ever did was nurse! It was uncomfortable. I remember watching a mama cat push her kittens away after they had grown a bit and silently sympathizing with her. How’s that for honest?
What advice do you have for the mom who is considering nursing her child into the toddler years?
Go for it! There isn’t really any reason you must stop when your child reaches a year old. It can be good for you and good for baby. Make sure you’re doing it for a good reason, and that you’re fully convinced in your own mind. If you’re going to make it public knowledge, be prepared for some resistance. Give others grace, and don’t expect everyone (or even most people) to be comfortable or positive about the idea. But, BUT, even if you experience criticism, realize it really isn’t weird or wrong, and it’s OK to continue on just as you are until you or your child is ready to be done. And if your child is the one who is done before you are? It’s OK to let go.
What is the biggest misconception about extended breastfeeding?
Am I limited to only one misconception? There are several. First, that it’s weird or wrong. It certainly isn’t wrong—cultures all over the world see it as normal. It’s just very different from what we’re typically used to. Second, that there is no benefit to it. Actually, the nutritional composition of breastmilk doesn’t become useless. It’s still an excellent source of protein, calcium, vitamin A, folate, vitamin B12, vitamin C, and more. Furthermore, the emotional benefit is worth considering. It is not at all unusual for us to see an older toddler with a bottle or pacifier. Really, those are replacements for the original. We understand that a little one derives emotional comfort from sucking a paci or his or her thumb. It’s the same idea with nursing. Third, the idea that “if a child is old enough to ask for it, he’s too old for it”. I think this might be tied to the notion that if they’re old enough to ask for it, they are old enough to remember it. It might make you uncomfortable, but truly, I don’t believe children are damaged by this memory even if it does stay with them. My son has, indeed, said he remembers nursing, but his memory seems mostly tied to the happiness, comfort, and security of it than anything else. Finally, the idea that breastfeeding a child this long is selfish on the part of the mother and simply for her own benefit. Nursing is a relationship of two people. The needs of both should be considered, certainly. I can attest, however, that my experience was not one I particularly enjoyed. I found myself continuing to nurse so long, because my child was rather high needs. I knew he needed it, that it would be exceedingly difficult for him to be weaned, and so we carried on. The truth is I was done long before he was. It grew uncomfortable and awkward. I felt “touched out” and cranky. I’m glad I gave him the experience because I know even now how much he needed it, but I was also quite glad when that season ended.
What have been the reactions from others when they found out you how long you breastfed?
Frankly, like I said earlier, not many people know. I’ve only chosen to share it with those I felt wouldn’t write me off forever. But, honestly, the reaction I expect from the “average Joe” is shock and dismay. I don’t like it, but there it is. And I’m not interested in being on the cover of Time magazine in an effort to try to change the world. I’d rather keep this particular decision private.
How did having more children change your breastfeeding relationship with your child?
I nursed my oldest and my second together. It was challenging, but worth it in that case. I think it helped him make space for his brother. I can remember one of the few times I nursed them at the same time out of desperation (two crying little ones). My older son reached across and held his tiny brother’s hand as they nursed. It was one of the most precious things I’ve ever experienced.
How have you decided when to wean your other children?
I weaned them earlier simply because I knew their needs were different. Nursing was a comfort to them, but it didn’t distress them to be weaned like I knew it would have my first son. I was pregnant each of the other times and it was simply growing uncomfortable for me.
What was your reaction to the recent Time Magazine cover controversy?
I wasn’t a fan. The image and headline were clearly meant for shock value and likely to sell magazines. I’d rather slowly change things by sharing my experiences quietly with close friends. People are more willing to accept new ideas when they come from people they know and understand. Our minds need to be open to accept a new idea, and that cover shut minds off immediately.
If you had it to do all over again, is there anything you would do differently?
I don’t think I would, actually.
February 6, 2013 at 9:37 am
Great interview!
February 6, 2013 at 3:20 pm
Told ya
Glad you appreciated it, Bethany.
February 6, 2013 at 2:21 pm
Great perspective! Thanks so much for sharing! I also have a friend who did extended breastfeeding with her first two kids- the first needed it because of his personality and because they were going through some major life changes and nursing helped him cope better. She nursed her second a long time because he had some major food sensitivities, and it was just an easier source of nutrition. Hooray for all mothers struggling to meet the needs of their kids and make the best decisions they can!
February 6, 2013 at 9:26 pm
Great post! My oldest self-weaned at 13/14mo and I was so upset. I didn’t know at the time that I was pregnant…..but apparently she did
My mum was a La Leche League lady way back in the 70′s so I always thought I would nurse until at LEAST 2.
Just like the poster said – each child is different. At least I got to bf child #2 until almost 3!
February 6, 2013 at 9:32 pm
Wonderful interview! I’m blessed to have also breastfed my boys past age 4; a very normal, natural relationship between mother and child.
February 6, 2013 at 9:48 pm
As one of the very few who know anonymous and that she breastfed an older child – I want to say that I’m proud of you for sharing and helping to make this less strange for others. I’m proud of you for striving to meet the needs of your son, despite the discomfort and fear of opinions. You’ve been an example to me in many ways, one specifically is here. Watching you nurse your sons was the tiniest bit odd for me, simply because I’d never seen anyone tandem nurse or breastfeed a preschooler, but I believe it’s one of the biggest reasons that made it normal for me to follow this path and to still be breastfeeding my 4.5yr old.
We love you!
February 7, 2013 at 7:31 am
As a non-breastfeeder (one time adoptive mommy here, my story will come later), I am so curious about this! Is it okay to ask a question or two? You mention that your child is rather high needs, would you mind sharing more about this child versus the ones who weaned early? How was breastfeeding a good thing for this particular kiddo? Also, you were concerned about weaning your oldest too early? How did you decide to wean in the end? How did it go?
February 7, 2013 at 8:45 am
I’m so glad you asked! My firstborn has always been what we’ve affectionately called “high maintenance”. He had food sensitivities (even through my breastmilk), skin reactions, and emotional reactions to food. He still does, actually. Well, reactions to food–not breastmilk! As a baby, he would cry (scream, actually) when I consumed milk products in particular. He cried a lot through the night, and didn’t sleep through the night till he was two. He has never done well with change, and has always been very particular about doing things a certain way. Breastfeeding for him was not just about food–it was about comfort and gaining the security and physical contact he needed to calm him.
He would sometimes have explosions of emotion–it took a loooong, long time for him to begin to learn how to control and/or express his emotions. Nursing was often a near magical fix for these times. It slowed both our heartrates, released positive feeling hormones, and made us feel closer to one another–instead of feeling as though we were enemies. It enabled him to calm down, and meet the world once again with a peaceful spirit. It was his “all is well with my world” time.
Weaning came gradually. First he began to nurse only before and after sleeping times. Then some of those fell off till it was just the one before bedtime nursing. This was held onto as tightly as his favorite stuffed animal and blanket. I was getting to the point where I was really done. While there isn’t anything wrong with it, I, personally, did not want to be nursing a four year old. I was tired and worn–I’d been nursing two little ones for nearly two years, and I was expecting again. There was no way I felt like nursing three at the same time. I knew it would be too much for me. So, we put a plan in place, and I determined that I would try to wean him before or by his birthday. We talked about it and told him that once he turned four, he would be a big boy, and he wouldn’t need to nurse any more. He was a little sad, but accepted it. We talked about it regularly at bedtime. One night, he wanted a story before bed. I told him that it was late, and he needed to choose either a story or nursing. He picked a story. He never nursed again. It was a bittersweet ending to our nursing days.
Now, as an eight year old, he has come so far. I’m so proud of my boy. He is still a passionate person, but he is developing a passion for things that are right. He is still a person with big emotions (that are still sometimes overwhelming for him), but it often translates into compassion for others and an ability to perceive the emotions of others. He doesn’t seem as anxious or as particular about little changes, and seems to meet life’s bumps with a little more ease as he has matured. Nursing didn’t do that all on it’s own, but it was certainly a tool that proved helpful along the way. Now we have other tools that are useful, but nursing was the first step in me learning to set aside my agenda and preconceived ideas of who my boy should be, get to know what he needed, and seek to find how I could meet his needs.
February 7, 2013 at 8:54 am
Thank you for answering! I enjoyed reading how extended breastfeeding was like a tool in your toolbox—it was a way for you and your son to relate and a way for him to learn to cope in this world that can sometimes be tough. You are a really thoughtful mama. Thanks again.
February 7, 2013 at 1:21 pm
What a wonderful gift you’ve given your boys!!! I, too, was a tandem nurser (boys were 17 mo apart). But I only have one functional breast, so mine had to take turns. The older boy would pat the baby’s head and whisper, “leave some for me!”
February 7, 2013 at 2:32 pm
Oh my goodness, Tamara, that’s adorable.
Sarah M