We all have a point at which we get overwhelmed. I tend to straddle the line between extrovert and introvert and sometimes if I look at a week that’s full of extrovert-type activities, I can start to feel exhausted. I may even get physical symptoms as the week goes on- headaches or digestive issues- as I’m trying to deal with what feels stressful. As adults, we’ve learned how to handle this kind of stress. We look at our busy week and remind ourselves that we just have to take it one day at a time. We need to focus on the task in front of us and not get too bogged down in worrying about what is still to come.
So try to remember how stressful that can feel to you the next time you ask your child to take on a big project. While a week full of deadlines or meetings or visiting at the in-laws or teaching Vacation Bible School might feel overwhelming to you, to your child it might be something as simple as cleaning their room. It’s good to start teaching them now about breaking down those big overwhelming projects into little tasks that feel more manageable.
If it’s time to clean their room, instead of sending them to their room with the instructions, “no snack until this room is clean”, stand at the door to their room and pick one goal that seems manageable. When they’ve finished that, you give them the next goal, and so on. This is going to require a lot more accountability (i.e. you checking to see that they’ve done each task), but you’re more likely to get a clean room at the end and not have a child sitting in a crying heap in the middle of the floor a half an hour later (and the room is still a mess). By teaching them that each big task is made up of smaller tasks, you’re also giving them an important lifeskill that empowers them in other areas. Instead of telling them, “Get dressed” (if this is a task that overwhelms them) just tell them, “Take off your pajamas and then come see me.” When they get to you, they get a high-five. Then it’s on to the next step of the getting dressed process. We do this so that someday when they see they have a 20 page research paper to do they won’t panic. That’s totally overwhelming, but sitting down to write an outline or brainstorm topics is pretty manageable. We also don’t want to enable them or teach them they aren’t capable by doing tasks for them that they’re capable of doing themselves.
So here’s what that looks like for me:
“Okay, it’s time to clean your room before we have our snack.”
“I can’t clean it! It too dirty!”
“Yep, that’s a big job! But since you made that mess, it’s your responsibility to clean it up. Let’s start with something small. I bet you can pick up all the stuffed animals and put them in the basket where they go, right? When you get done with that, I’ll be so excited to see how much better it looks so come let me know!” (and then high-five)
(5 minutes later)
“Great job! You cleaned up all the animals! See how much better it looks? They love to go in their little home after they get done playing. The next part is to put all your dirty clothes in the hamper. Let me know as soon as it’s done!”
(etc. etc. until the room is clean)
Now, normally I like to say what age this kind of a tip works best for, but I think this tip is a little unique. Right now, it works really well for my toddlers, but it was not parenting toddlers that taught me to handle things this way. This was a lesson I learned from working with a child who had really serious ADHD. He had a very hard time not being overwhelmed or being able to take big tasks and break them down himself. I could send him to his room to clean it and by the time he got there he would have forgotten why I sent him or he’d get distracted and end up playing with Legos when he really did intend to put them away. And this child was NOT a toddler.
This is a tip that works great for your little ones, but if you’re working/parenting/loving a child who has some quirks which make ordering their life difficult, this can also be a great tip for them. I would modify it for older kids by writing the tasks down instead of having them come back and forth to you. Write them a list similar to this:
1. Put your shoes away
2. Clean off your bookshelf
3. Dust the bookshelf
4. Put dirty clothes in the hamper
5. Put toys away
6. Empty your trash
7. Come get a snack!
Some kids will need the accountability of you checking in or them checking with you after each task and some will be highly motivated by being able to cross things off a list and then bring it to you. Learn what motivates your child and go with that. Obviously you want them to “graduate” to not needing as much direct supervision, so be working in that direction as you can.
Is this something you’re already doing in your home? How is it working for you?
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