My Dad’s Blessing (a story from Taco Bell)

My Kids,

With Father’s Day approaching, I want to tell you a little something about your dad. And about my dad, too. I want to tell you the story of the day your daddy asked Grandpa for permission to marry me.

Like all meaningful life events, it happened at a Taco Bell. Seriously. My parents were dropping me off for my third year of college and Brian met us for lunch. It was the only time he was going to see my parents and he wanted to ask the question in person. So there the four of us sat and Brian asked for my dad’s blessing. My dad responded with something like, “Are you sure you know what you’re getting into here?” and gestured in my direction. I think he was joking. At least, like, 60% joking. Nobody knows better than my family that I’m a bit of a troublemaker so a heads-up to Brian was probably in order. After some slightly awkward conversation my dad said something about if we decided that was what we wanted he trusted my judgement and he supported it. I remember my mom interjecting something about wouldn’t it be good for me to finish college first (a subtle suggestion she had been making since I was probably five years-old and thankfully I was able to finish college without without pregnancy interfering- Thanks, Infertility!), but my dad had no such prerequisite.

I knew my dad would give his blessing. Whether or not he thought we were perfectly ready for marriage or that I was ready to be a wife and potentially a mother, I knew he approved of Brian. Because he said so. And as you know, your grandpa doesn’t say much unless it’s important.

Your dad and grandpa in Colorado when they took a group of our boys on a trip.

Brian and I had a very on-again, off-again relationship in college. Mostly because we both knew we wanted to be married, but that inspired a certain degree of panic in me. We met when I was 18 and at that age I knew enough to know that I was prone to bad decisions. I wanted to be sure this wasn’t one of them. So we’d date, break up, I’d date somebody else, then we’d get back together. If you ever attend a small, Christian college you’ll know how impossible this is to do without some challenges. I’m thankful for the guys I dated in that in-between time, in spite of what that did to my reputation in the eyes of a college culture that discouraged examining your options. Those guys were quality and have become wonderful husbands and fathers, but none of them were Brian. This may be hard for my extroverts to understand, but when I was with your dad, I felt like I was alone and it was the most beautiful thing. I felt totally at peace. I didn’t have to be the funniest version of myself or the smartest or the prettiest. I was just me and he seemed to like that. It was the first time I felt that from someone outside my family or closest girl friends.

But it was during one of our break-ups that my dad made his opinion on the situation known. It was summer break and I was eating dinner with my mom, my younger sister and my dad. As was our custom in the days since my brothers had graduated and left home, we ladies were talking pretty nonstop while my dad silently endured. We were discussing what kind of man would be best for me. Many traits of potential mates were discussed in detail. After about 15 minutes of this my dad said, “If you think you’re going to find a better man than Brian Bradley, you’re wrong.” And that was it. There was nothing left to discuss.

My dad and my husband are two very different men in their personalities and temperaments. I didn’t have any idea that my dad felt strongly about Brian, and in fact I thought he probably wasn’t too sure. With just that brief endorsement I realized my dad wasn’t talking about any of the shallow qualities we ladies had  been discussing. He was talking about Brian’s values, his heart. A heart that was very much like my dad’s.

Grandpa and Joel

That one conversation made me rethink a lot of things. Eventually it lead to one of my more memorable conversations with Brian where I called him and told him I was ready to marry him. We weren’t even dating at the time and these were the days before caller ID so he rightly responded with, “Who is this?” Nice.

There are many important gifts my parents gave me to set me up for a life of stability. They created a safe home. I rarely heard them fight. They were open about their love for us and commitment to each other. They made sure God was at the center of why we did what we did as a family. But I think the final gift my dad gave me— the gift of his blessing on my marriage and his support of my spouse— has been one of the most important. When he hugged me and left me at the altar next to Brian on our wedding day, I knew it was with full faith that we (with the Holy Spirit’s help) could do this, even if it was hard.

And it has been hard. There have been moments of marital stress and difficult life circumstances that have made me question the decision we made those 11 years ago. But in my mind, I hear my dad. “If you think you’re going to find a better man than Brian Bradley, you’re wrong.” It has helped firm up my commitment to this marriage when things were challenging. It has helped me see Brian from someone else’s perspective and not just focus on my frustrations. When I have needed wisdom about struggles I have known that my parents were rooting for us and had faith that we could work it out. They weren’t waiting for Brian to mess up so they could pounce. And probably 85% of the time they take his side anyway, probably because— as previously mentioned— I am a bit of a troublemaker.

Your dad and me in Alaska. I love this man.

Kids, I don’t know what kind of spouses you will someday choose. I don’t know if it will be easy for us to give our blessing or if we will struggle with that decision. My hope is that by giving you the other great gifts my parents gave me (stability and security and an understanding of your worth) that you will pick great spouses. I want to root for your marriage and I want you to feel confident in your choice.  When the hard moments come, I want you to know that we aren’t waiting to say, “I told you so”, but are wanting to do whatever we can to encourage and support your marriage as you seek to honor Christ even in the tough things. I see how my own dad’s love and support of my husband has helped shape Brian into the man he is today. We want to have that kind of impact on your spouses and make that investment in their lives. We have never had to feel that it is “Brian and me against the world” but have always felt that we are part of a bigger family and community that cares about our success as a couple. We want that for you, too. Even if we are very different in temperament and personality from the spouse you choose, we want to strive for unity and support in the things that matter. We’re praying for your spouses even now. We know that should you choose to marry, it will be one of the most life-impacting decisions you make. In the immortal words from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, “You must choose, but choose wisely.” Our desire is that we can give you the gift that was given to us— an unreserved blessing.

Love,

Mom