Today is the day we celebrate the anniversary of Josh’s adoption day. It’s a day we spend focused on Josh and what makes him feel loved and appreciated. We do this with each of our adopted children on their Adoption Day, but I’ll admit that Josh’s adoption anniversary is something a little different for me. It’s not just the day he joined our family, it’s the anniversary of the day I became a mom.
We had been houseparents caring for kids for years before that moment, but for the first time I was The Mom. Everything now rested on my shoulders. I have been a mother now for seven years. To celebrate that fact, I want to distill what I’ve learned over the last seven years into seven bits of wisdom.
-I am not in control. When I was handed a tiny, sickly, opinionated ten-month-old, my life became something other than MY life. It became our life. Josh cried for hours nonstop on the plane ride home and in those hours it became clear to me that all the books I’d read didn’t prepare me for this. I didn’t know what he needed and I couldn’t fix what was so wrong. This lesson has been reinforced to me over and over again during the past seven years. I can’t always make them happy, make them sleep, make them eat what I think they should eat, make them behave the way the books say they should behave, make them learn the way I learned. When I can let go of trying to be in control, I can actually enjoy who they are and what we have as a family instead of longing for some perfection ideal that we’ll never achieve.
-People are more important than things. This little gem actually came from my dad when I was a teenager and busted the side mirror off of our van while backing out of the garage. He knew how bad I felt and in that moment he climbed in the car, put his arm around me and told me where I ranked. People are more important than things. I have heard his words over and over as mud has been tracked in on the carpet, dishes have been broken, jewelry has been lost, and (just recently) our new van got a large scratch down the side where a certain little boy got too close when learning to ride his bike without training wheels. Of course we work to teach our kids the value of taking care of their things and they often have to pay us back with extra help around the house when something does get broken, but I remind myself about the value of these little lives when I’m tempted to focus on the “this is why we can’t have nice things” lecture.
-Sleep is important. For everybody. I love sleep. I need sleep. So do my kids. How we get the sleep we need has been a lengthy learning experience. Some kids need their own dark, quiet, cool space. Some kids need a warm body right beside them (be it mom, brother, or puppy). Some kids go through seasons of needs when it comes to how they get their sleep. While I can have some input in how that goes, I also need to listen to what works best for them AND what works for our family. My sleep is important too and it needs to be prioritized. A grumpy mommy isn’t good for anybody.
-I can’t do this alone. During that horrific airplane ride across the ocean with our new son, I became acutely aware that I needed help. It had been hours since I had slept, Brian was at an emotional breaking point, and I just couldn’t keep walking that screaming baby up and down the aisles of the plane. Some very kind missionaries we had met in the airport earlier during a flight delay came up to me when I think my exhaustion became obvious and just said, “Let us take a turn.” It may have just been for fifteen minutes, but those fifteen minutes were enough to restore my sanity and instill in me an understanding that moms need help, too. I was reminded of this again just a couple weeks ago when I tearfully confessed to Brian that I couldn’t do it all and at this stage of pregnancy really needed his help. He said, “How would I know that if you didn’t tell me?” Fair enough. Not only do I need help from my husband, my parents, my friends, but I need to communicate that need if I expect people to understand that I am not in fact Superwoman.
-Most of life is washable. Sometimes it’s okay to let your kid play in the mud. Let them draw on their legs with markers. Kids will wet their pants and the bed and will throw up on the floor. It’s okay. You can clean that up. It’s much harder to take back harsh words you say when you’re frustrated at having to clean up the fifteenth mess of the day.
-I can’t take things personally. Kids are upset a lot. If you take that personally, you will be upset a lot. Being able to set good limits and boundaries for your kids means being able to handle their frustration at you without getting frustrated back at them. I have to remind myself that I am the adult and have perspective they don’t. When I feel angry, it’s time for a mommy time-out.
-Nobody has written the book on my child. This piece of wisdom was given to me by my mom and is something she often repeats about kids and marriage. There are lots of great books on parenting out there. Seasoned mothers have incredible wisdom to offer. It’s important to be a learner and be humble so you can grow as a parent, but it’s also good to remind yourself that there is no parenting manual for your particular child. You will ultimately be the expert as you learn their needs, their quirks, their unique challenges and joys. I recently read an analogy that reading parenting books is like eating a watermelon— there are things to enjoy and seeds to spit out. I want to keep that in mind any time I’m getting parenting wisdom—look for the good piece of truth in what I’m hearing or reading and be okay with spitting out what doesn’t work for us.
Parenting for the last seven years has been a life changing experience. I’m excited to see what the next year brings. Happy Adoption Day, Josh!