When I read a good book, I like to let you guys know about it. “Raising Big Kids with Supernatural Love” by Lori Wildenberg and Becky Danielson is a good book.
I’m pretty picky about parenting books. I don’t like the ones that say if you just follow these easy steps you’ll have a perfect child. I don’t like the ones that make you feel horrible if you don’t do it their exact way. I don’t like the ones that either over spiritualize parenting or don’t acknowledge the spiritual component. And I’m an adoptive parent, so some books just don’t speak to my reality of raising kids who may have trauma in their background. This book managed to give lots of good insight without hitting any of my triggers. Congrats, Book!
I know lots of you who regularly read this blog are also adoptive parents, so it is good to know that one of the authors of this book is an adoptive parent, too. While she doesn’t talk much about trauma or any specific philosophy related to the unique issues in adoptive parenting, I can see how that perspective informs how this book was written. There is a lot of grace for kids who may struggle with behavioral issues and a lot of compassion for the parents of those children. There is also a specific section on helping kids work through issues related to adoption, which I thought was really tactfully handled. I’m glad that in a book that’s not adoption specific, parents of biological kids will get a peek into the issues we work with and may be more informed when it comes to talking to adoptive parent friends or the friends of their children who are adopted.
I appreciated how the book broke down our natural parenting tendencies into several categories and then referenced them throughout. Do we tend to be The Chum, The Consultant, The Clueless, The Controller, The Coach or The Checked Out parent? These distinctions were helpful in seeing how our default strategy can be a help or a hinderance. I liked how the authors would address a topic and then remind us that in this situation we might need to be more of a Chum or in this situation we might need to be more of a Coach. I think we can all struggle with only handling things in the way that feels most comfortable to us without realizing that at different ages and in different situations our kids need us to tailor our approach to their needs.
My favorite section of the book was about choosing peace and forgiveness. The book is broken up into sections built around 1 Corinthians 13 and this section was titled “Love is Self-Controlled.” I thought they tackled some tough issues (how we deal with our own anger at our kids, how we help them voice their frustrations, the appropriate role of anger, helping kids handle remorse and take responsibility for their actions, and the steps to restoration) parents often struggle with in helpful and constructive ways. This is a chapter I can see myself coming back and rereading as we go through seasons of big emotions with our kids.
This book is full of commonsense advice on how to be loving to our children. It’s simple to read and biblically sound. It’s got lots of practical examples about how the authors have dealt with parenting issues without compromising their children’s dignity or privacy, which I really appreciate. There is a lot of emphasis placed on how we as parents handle our own relationships, our marriages, our church involvement, which I think is wise. We can’t control our kids, but we can do a lot to model our priorities for them.
This book is targeted at parents of teens, but I think there’s a lot of value in reading about this stuff BEFORE it hits your family. I think we can see the teen issues impacting our home and find ourselves saying, “What have we done wrong?” instead of seeing the natural progression of kids needing greater degrees of independence. If we can begin to change our tactics as our kids earn more trust, then we won’t find ourselves smothering them or taking away their ability to make their own choices (and learn from their own consequences). What works for our four year-olds won’t be appropriate for our fourteen year-olds and it’s good to think through how we’re going to make those parenting transitions. So whether your kids are in elementary school or high school, I think this is a good read. Give it a try and let me know what you think!