I remember watching a TV show that involved a hostage situation. They put this trained hostage negotiator on the phone with the man in the bank who had the hostages. The negotiator was kind, was accommodating when he could be, and he was firm. His ultimate goal was to get the people in that bank out as safety and quickly as possible. Something about this scenario seemed incredibly familiar to me.
When we originally got into foster care we were motivated by a desire to be the loving, nurturing caregivers for a child who needed safety and stability. Over the years we began to see our role differently as we realized our involvement with the child was only a small piece in the puzzle of what it means to be involved in foster care. We have had our share of challenging children, but for the most part it hasn’t been the kids that have caused us to question our ability to keep going. Our real struggles have been in navigating a system that doesn’t always seem to prioritize their needs.
We understand the kids have needs. They have unhealthy coping skills. They wake in the night and they cry and they get angry and they have to be taught how to trust. It’s a big job, but we all knew that was what was required of us when we signed up for this. What we didn’t realize was how we would become not just caregivers, but hostage negotiators.
These kids are caught in a system. Sometimes all parties involved work together smoothly to do what’s best to help this child achieve safety, stability and permanency as quickly as possible. As many of us know, this seems to be the exception rather than the rule. Many times those kids get stuck, just like the hostages in that bank building. They can’t get out and they need somebody kind, as accommodating as they can be, but firm to help them get what they need.
You can be a great caregiver for a child and be contentious with the biological family. That is not a good hostage negotiator. You can be a great caregiver for the child and get along with the biological family and be hostile to caseworkers. That is not a good hostage negotiator. If you want the best outcome for this kid and you’re willing to do what you can to get it, you’ve got to learn how to keep everyone’s needs in balance.
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