Becoming The Old Lady I Want to Be

I can admit sometimes I have fantasies about being a grumpy old lady. I daydream about being the kind of old woman who goes out with the curlers still in my hair, running into people in my scooter and complaining about “kids these days.” Something about old age seems incredibly freeing to someone who often feels bound by the rules of polite society.

But I think about the women a generation or two older than me– the ones who influence my life and inspire me. They aren’t the women giving the stink eye to my noisy toddlers in church, but the women who seem charmed by these kids in spite of their ridiculous antics. They are the women who keep bringing the jello-salads to the church potlucks and send your kids 3 dollars on their birthdays and validate your address when you go vote.

Rebecca Tredway Photography

My grandparents had all died by the time I was 10. I don’t feel like I’ve had a lot of good role modeling about what it means to be a good grandparent, except now I get to watch my parents do it so wonderfully well for my kids. Because I missed out on having grandparent relationships, I’ve felt more intentional about becoming the kind of old lady I wish I would have had around when I was a kid and even now as a mid-thirties woman. We women still need each other and I wish I had more older women in my life. So here’s my note to self about the kind of old lady I want to be.

-Have friends. I love watching old lady friendships. When the kids are gone and statistically speaking, we are likely to outlive our spouses, I think female friendships become even more important. I want to live my life today in a way that prioritizes having strong relationships with other women, pushing back against gossip or envy and embracing these women just the way God made them. When I see happy old ladies, they seem to be running in packs. I want to be the kind of old lady who is an active part of her community, which is often a community of fellow old ladies. Which may mean I need to take up quilting or something. . . Today’s Action Step: BE A GOOD FRIEND. I don’t want to lose touch with other women as I invest in my kids, work, and home.

-Be funny. Being real, being honest, being self-deprecating, being relatable no matter your age– I think all those things are more easily accomplished with a bit of humor. If I want to be the kind of old lady that younger women want to confide in, I think humor helps. I want kids to know I think they’re charming and I never want to stop being someone who makes funny faces at the toddlers who turn around and look my way during church. Life is hard and I know in many ways it’s just going to continue to get harder as I age. I want to embrace the fun and be funny as long as I can. Today’s Action Step: Enjoy my life. Learn to see the humor in my kids and the craziness of life. When the choice is laugh or cry, pick laugh. 

-Don’t burnout and know my limits. Sometimes I wonder if the grumpy old ladies were once the heavily invested young ladies. Did they work so hard that they just burned out? They failed to pace themselves correctly? Did they give and give and nobody appreciated them so now they’re just not going to give anymore? Some days I can feel this becoming my reality. I imagine never volunteering again when I feel like my efforts go unnoticed. I imagine hiding in a hole of introversion someday when my parenting duties no longer require me to invest in others. I’m worried that if I don’t recognize my limits now, someday I’m going to be bitter about all I did and refuse to do anymore. I don’t want to be that old lady. Today’s Action Step: Say “no” when I need to without guilt. Learn to do things because they are RIGHT, not because I’m always going to be appreciate the way I think I should.

-Don’t minimize other people’s struggles. Maybe if you’ve lived through The Great Depression, FOMO just sounds like the dumbest thing you’ve ever heard. I get it. Perspective is a good and important thing and it’s something old ladies have to offer in abundance. But I also want to be the kind of old lady that remembers what it’s like to feel alone, to feel scared, to feel inadequate in my roles as wife, mother, friend, employee, etc. I don’t want to be the old lady who says, “Well, in MY day. . . ” and then goes on to explain how insignificant today’s problems are. I want to be able to acknowledge that pain is pain and fear is fear and when we first choose to grieve with someone, then we may earn the right to help them put their problems in perspective. Today’s Action Step: Learn to listen to the struggles of others without always filtering it through my own experiences.

-Continue to be a world changer. I don’t want age to stop me from caring about the problems I see around me. I want to be the old lady manning the polling locations, volunteering for organizations that help foster kids, showing up to city council hearings, and just generally investing my time in providing accountability to a world that hopes nobody’s watching because everybody’s at work and busy with getting their kids to soccer practice. Nope. Not me. I will bring my knitting (note to self– learn to knit) and show up at informational meetings and lectures at the public library and I will serve on whatever committees will have me. And if I can’t actively serve, I will pray for any needs I know about. Today’s Action Step: Read, research, get some street cred on the issues that matter to me so 30 years from now I can be considered an “expert” with a lifetime of investments to back it up.

-Have hobbies. We have had several foster placements who received handmade blankets through Project Linus. I love this. I want to be the old lady who uses her time to work on developing a craft I can be proud of that can benefit others. Maybe I’ll take up painting or get really good at my secret muffin recipe or make hats for NICU babies or grow a killer garden or take a cake decorating class at the community college. I want to intentionally enjoy my life by continuing to learn new skills and being willing to risk failing at them as I learn. Today’s Action Step: Maybe one day think about having a hobby 🙂 Encourage women as they pursue their artistic and creative passions and BUY THEIR STUFF. Don’t be afraid to fail. Intentionally leave room in my life for learning.

There are moments it feels frightening to realize every day I am a day closer to becoming the old lady I picture in my mind. This is coming for me whether I prepare for it or not. In the same way I realize the kids in my house are not going to be forever children, but have to be raised into responsible, compassionate adults, I know I am still growing into the woman I am becoming. The way in which I live THIS phase of my life is setting the stage for the next one. Let me be the kind of old lady people want to be around and may I only occasionally “accidentally” run into people with my scooter. . .