Hey There,
I’m guessing you’re as surprised to find yourself here as I’m surprised to have you here. I didn’t realize because of the content of my site, at some point people looking for porn would find my blog instead. According to the information Google gives me, every few days somebody finds my blog by inputing some pretty explicit search terms that involve sex acts between adopted family members. I am both horrified you found me that way and hoping you’ll take a minute to let me talk to you. I feel like maybe you owe me that.
First of all, I’m pretty sure when you realized you ended up on some mom blog, you felt guilty. At least, I hope that’s how you felt. I hope realizing the very pure and committed love I have for my kids reminded you of how sad it is that you’re looking for a perversion of that kind of relationship. I don’t know what made you want to see those things acted out, but I promise you that’s not what my life is like or what our family is like. And by choosing to sexualize relationships like those in my family, you are contributing to society’s idea that there’s something unnatural about our family. Obviously, it can’t be that I love my children because they are my children, there must be something more, something sinister, something sexual. I hate that you want to see that portrayed, but I also want to tell you you don’t have to be stuck in that mindset.
I don’t know if you know how harmful porn is to you and you’re just too stuck in it to get out, or if you’re still trying to convince yourself this doesn’t hurt anybody. It does hurt people, both the people involved in porn and it hurts you (and if you’ve got a spouse, it hurts that person, too.) Your ideas of what relationships should be like have been corrupted by your porn consumption. I know that because that’s what porn does and because I know exactly what terms you searched. Women are being exploited both explicitly in porn (“Hot Girls Wanted” is an important perspective adjustment) and porn contributes to sex trafficking. I hope you heard me just now. Your simple clicks and searches fuel an industry that demeans and damages women and children. Maybe you don’t want to believe that or you don’t care. Both of those attitudes are outgrowths of dulling your conscience with porn. You can’t watch women be repeatedly violated and then expect it to not influence your perceptions of actual women.
I know this probably makes you feel shameful. Maybe you’re tempted to deal with that shame by diving in to more porn. It’s an ugly cycle that has a lot of men and women trapped. Just trying to be honest with someone else about what you’re doing creates such anxiety, you’re likely to respond to the very idea with more porn consumption.
When you are tired of living that way– with the shame and regret, knowing you are hurting yourself and others– there is a way out.
-Here is the Sexual Addiction Screening Test and it might be a good first step to get a full picture of what you’re dealing with. But of course, these tests are only as accurate as you are honest.
-If you are ready to deal with your issue, counseling may be helpful. Lots of times a dependence on porn is really about using an unhealthy coping skill to deal with legitimate and real pain. Losing that coping skill means having to face pain you didn’t want to deal with. Having a paid professional to help you and direct you through that process can be important.
-There are support groups for men and women who are ready to face this addiction. Sexual addiction creates a special kind of loneliness where you are inappropriately connected to strangers and intimately disconnected from the people who love you. Having a supportive group of people who understand and won’t shame you is necessary for recovery.
-If you have not been honest with your spouse, it’s time to be honest. Get some accountability in place with filtering software and better boundaries around your use of technology. You’re going to need help and your spouse would rather know about it voluntarily than by finding out about it as a surprise. This is not the good kind of surprise.
-If you are a child, please talk to your parents about this. Or someone you feel would handle this appropriately and safely who might be able to then help you talk to your parents. You need support and understanding, not just judgement and anger. There is help and the sooner you get it, the better.
-There are lots of resources out there to help you figure out what your unique issues are. Ted Roberts, Patrick Carnes, and Mark Laaser all have books you might find helpful. There are lots of other options, but those three are a good starting point to figure out what resonates for you.
This one issue does not define you. It does not mean you aren’t a person of value. I would love for this moment– the moment when you got a stern talking-to by a loving, but righteously angry mom who caught you looking for things you shouldn’t– to be a turning point for you.