We’re about to head out the door for a family reunion and I’m feeling angsty enough that I needed to sit and write before I can leave. This isn’t my usual response to the stress of getting a family of eight on the road, but at the moment I’m just feeling sad and overwhelmed and maybe explaining that in writing will help.
I’ve got a lot of kids with a lot of different personalities. In my home, they are all equally lovable and equally loved. They all frustrate and annoy me at times and make my heart feel so full of goodness and sweetness that it could burst. I love to parent them and I’m so thankful I get to be their mom. In my home, I am the queen of our schedules and routines. While there are difficult moments, we all know what to expect. But then we take this show on the road.
I have a child that struggles with new people, new situations and transitions. While he is a total delight to me and absolutely has my heart, he pushes me to the limits of my patience when we are in these new situations. But it’s not just my own frustration level that bothers me. My heart hurts for him and the way he presents himself to the world in those moments.
If you unexpectedly dropped by my house and wanted to talk for a few minutes, this would make him feel tense. Family and close friends don’t get this same response, but if a stranger or casual acquaintance needs something from me, all the worst behaviors will come out. He will respond to his own stress level by being just a pretty horrible version of himself. He’ll seem randomly angry or aggressive. He will do whatever he can to divert my attention, which often means behaving in an age-inappropriate manner.
In my calm moments, I know he needs some reassurance from me that this situation is okay. In my moments where I’m just trying to wrap up this conversation with the friend from church who dropped by, I feel angry. And I feel embarrassed for him. Not OF him. For him.
I know there’s this lovely idea out there that we shouldn’t care what other people think about us. He shouldn’t care and I shouldn’t care about it for him. But that’s some idealistic garbage that doesn’t reflect the real world. If you want to have a job or a friend or a spouse, at some point you have to be able to deal well with the stress of other people’s expectations without resorting to anti-social behaviors. It’s a hard life for people who actively push others away with the way they behave and if I could spare my child from that, I would.
I know what kind of reputation those behaviors can create. I know people aren’t seeing the whole picture of who he is. This response to stress and social pressure does not define him, but it does happen to be the behavior everybody sees when they first meet him. He does not make a good first impression. And he doesn’t really care because he isn’t overly interested in climbing the social ladder.
On days like today, all of that is cranked up a notch. . . or ten. We’re going to get in a car and travel to meet a bunch of new people in a new space. And there will be social pressure because these people know of him, but they don’t know him. They will want to talk to him and they will expect a response. All of that is coming for him later today, so this morning has been a disaster.
He’s on edge. He’s whiney. He’s undermining my progress towards getting us ready to go. He’s unkind to his siblings. This is not who he is, but it is how he’s behaving with the stress that he feels.
This is a hard moment to be the mother he needs. I have to both have some empathy about how stressful this is for him, AND help him understand why this is not an appropriate way to respond to stress. I have to try and create some safe spaces for him to deal with his anxiety, and I have to give him consequences when he causes problems with other people. I have to deal with my own stress level about travel and seeing family while trying to help him manage his too. It’s a constant dance of nurture and structure and we haven’t even gotten out the door yet.
It’s exhausting. For both of us.
But I can take it. I know to expect this kind of response. Even though it’s tough, I love him and we can handle the challenge.
It’s YOU I worry about.
You’ll meet him out in public and he will be the worst version of himself. You won’t know the challenges he faces and how hard he’s trying to hold it together. He will seem odd. He won’t be interested in charming you or preserving my parental reputation. You’ll leave that moment and think poorly of him because what else could you think based on his responses to you?
People may never know how hard we work just to be present in those moments. It would be so much easier to stay home and just not have to work through those issues. My family is much cuter in pictures posted on social media and carefully curated anecdotes. But some days we take the chance that today might be better. We do it in hope and because he needs to learn how to interact appropriately with strangers and friends. He needs to learn to let go of his own discomfort and learn how to engage with others. But we know he’ll have to learn by making very public, very awkward mistakes.
If you see us out there, please be patient. Please be gracious in your heart and in your judgements. Know that my charming kids are not actually any more “good” than my socially struggling child, they’re just naturally better at performing under pressure. Believe that there’s something beneath the behaviors you’re seeing—- he WANTS to be known and loved, but he’s struggling. Know that we don’t want to make excuses for him, but we also know what a battle he’s fighting to just remain mentally and physically present in spite of his stress. And know that we WILL address that behavior you saw, we just may not do it publicly right now.
If you see me struggling with my struggling child, it would be a great gift if you could look for some good in him or in the situation. If you could ask me what I love about him and then be prepared for me to NEVER stop talking. If you could sometimes give him the gift of your quiet presence near him if he doesn’t feel ready to talk. If you could be willing to overlook any weirdness you might see until he feels comfortable to just be himself. Those responses will allow him to feel at ease and that’s something we’ll all be grateful for.
So now I’m off to pack the bags in the van and gear up for what may be a total delight or an absolute disaster. Prayers are appreciated.
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