A Musing Maralee

October 21, 2011
by Maralee
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Blame it on my history

It just seems like I am having the same conversations with my kids day after day on a few key topics. I don’t know if all kids struggle as much as mine do with remembering that couches are for sitting on and are not indoor trampolines, but couch behavior is one of those topics I just have to keep reminding them about. Just the other day I said to Josh, “‎Josh, please stop jumping from couch to couch. I shouldn’t have to say that every day.” I think he knew I was getting pretty irritated and he was hoping to pacify me so he said, “Mommy, were there couches in the orphanage? In Liberia?” I wasn’t sure where he was going with this, but I tried to remember our brief tour of the orphanage where he spent the first ten months of his life prior to his adoption. I answered him truthfully- “Well, I don’t remember seeing any couches in the orphanage.” He thought about that for a moment and said, “That is why I don’t know how to behave on couches. I just didn’t have any couches in Liberia when I was a baby and I’m not used to them yet.” Nice try, Josh.

But isn’t that instinct in all of us? Wouldn’t we like to look at the mistakes we’re currently making and blame them on our histories? Of course, just like Josh’s life will always be effected by his time in Liberia, our histories have far-reaching impact. Sometimes it seems tough to let go of the hold the past can have on us and take responsibility for what’s happening today. I’m thankful that through the forgiveness I’ve received in Christ, God isn’t holding against me the past I may still feel shame or regret about. I can live freely the great life God has planned for me. So in light of the grace that’s been extended to me, I probably ought to extend a little grace to a frequent couch-jumping son of mine even if his lack of couch experience in Africa doesn’t excuse his misbehavior.

October 14, 2011
by Maralee
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Danny’s First Communion (at 2 years-old)

Just when you think you’re getting a handle on the terrible twos you have a humbling experience like I did the other night. My husband Brian was playing guitar for church so I was wrangling all three of our little ones and apparently not keeping quite a close enough eye on my little trouble maker middle child. When I turned around to see what he was up to I found him with a hunk of bread in his mouth. It took me a minute to process that my child had just walked up to the table at the front of the church and taken a big bite out of the Communion loaf that had been lovingly set out for the evening. While our Presbyterian church is fully embracing of infant baptism, I’m not sure we’re quite ready to accept toddler Communion just yet. I’m so thankful for a pastor who has grace enough for my little ones that he just turned the loaf around so no one could see the tell-tale bite marks. At least until the moment in the service that he held it up to break the bread in front of the congregation. I wanted to melt into my pew.

But that’s the thing about grace, isn’t it? Our sin is there, so easily visible- a big bite out of the Communion loaf, a big stain on our conscience, a big break in our fellowship with The Lord and His Body. God’s grace takes what is so embarrassing and shameful to us and finds a way to make it beautiful, to use it for His glory. The sins and pain in my life now reveal a God who is big enough to heal and powerful enough to change the person I was into the person He wants me to be. I’m not sure if Little Danny ate the bread in an unworthy manner that night, but I hope God has grace for that, too. And ultimately I hope Danny comes to understand God’s forgiveness in an intimate way that covers his sin and takes away the shame. I can’t wait for the day when with full understanding we help him take Communion in acknowledgement of the sacrificial love that was shown for him. And hopefully by then everybody will have forgotten about his first First Communion.

October 7, 2011
by Maralee
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“I knowed that with my Spidey sense”

While I sure miss my four year-old, Josh, while he’s at preschool a couple mornings a week, it has been great to see how much he has learned in that new environment. In our home he is the oldest and is always giving his younger siblings little nuggets of wisdom. Like the other day when Danny knocked down the fort Josh had created and Josh told him, “You are a mean boy and when you grow up no one will want to MARRY YOU!!” Josh, being the romantic that he is, considered that to be the sternest warning he could give that Danny needed to turn from his wicked ways.

So it has been interesting to see how he handles not being the oldest kid in his class and actually having to have a teachable heart. The other day he was pointing out some shapes to me and said, ‎”Mommy, that shape is a square and that one is a triangle and that one is an O.” I knew they had been working on shape recognition at preschool so I said, “Wow, Josh! Did you learn that at preschool?” To which he responded, “No. . . I just already knowed that. I knowed that with my spidey sense.” Maybe we’ve played one too many games of Spiderman in this house. I know it’s just easier for him to say he already knew something than to admit that he had to be taught. Sounds like somebody else I know. . . It sounds like me!

How often would I rather be the one giving advice than the one asking for help? When I’ve gained some insight from someone with more wisdom than I have, wouldn’t I rather say I already “knowed” it with my spidey sense than humble myself and be truly teachable? I love that in the Old Testament the Israelites are referred to as a “stiff-necked people”. What a fantastic visual of what pride and an unteachable heart look like. And I think those of us who struggle with some stiff-necked tendencies have learned it’s awfully hard not to trip and fall when you refuse to bow your head and look where you’re going. I want to be less reliant on my spidey sense and more teachable as God continues to help me know exactly how much I don’t know!

October 1, 2011
by Maralee
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Botany and Biology

One of my favorite things about summer is putting in my garden. It has been a great way to connect my kids to how food ends up on our table. My son Josh loves eating fresh tomatoes and cucumbers he picks himself although he had to be convinced it wasn’t wrong to eat what at first he was sure was Bob and Larry from Veggie Tales. I’m so glad he loves to eat vegetables, but this year he did ask if we could plant ice-cream and chocolate sandwich cookies. Honestly, I think I’d like that, too.

So this year I planted three different pepper plants. At the store they had tags that told me one was a banana pepper, one was a yellow pepper and one was a green pepper. We don’t do many spicy foods around here, so they seemed like good, mild selections. That was until I chopped up the first of what I thought was a green pepper and after eating it realized I was growing some kind of plant obviously intended to burn tastebuds and clear sinuses. And now the plant that was labelled “yellow pepper” is starting to have a distinctly jalapeno shape to it. I am getting the feeling some tags may have gotten switched around at the store.

Oddly enough, this made me think about my kids and the expectations I have for them. I feel like a blessing of parenting adopted kids is that they come without much in the way of identifying labels. Parenting them is similar to opening a Christmas gift- I just don’t know what’s inside waiting to come out. I can’t look at them and think, “Well, I loved that activity, so they will too.” They are little mysteries to me and I have loved learning what they are passionate about. This point was brought home to me when we took the kids to see the air show and my two year-old was totally entranced while his big brother and little sister were only mildly interested. I never would have guessed he’d have that reaction because this little pepper did not come with a tag that told me what to expect about who he would become. I’m glad that I’ve had to learn this lesson before the arrival of our first biological child so I don’t put expectations on him that just may not fit. I think it’s great for all of us to give our kids the freedom to be whatever God created them to be. And if anybody has any recipes for my super hot peppers, feel free to pass them along.

September 21, 2011
by Maralee
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Why we listen to Christian radio

It has been amazing to me to see the things my kids pick up on and imitate. It has made me be so careful about the kinds of influences I expose them to. And most of the time I have no idea how carefully they’re paying attention to the world around them. Just the other night as we were driving home from a visit with Grandma, we found ourselves in a sudden downpour. I was trying not to show that I was nervous about how little I could see of the road in front of me through the heavy rain, but I could sense that the kids were getting a little anxious, too. Over the sound of the pounding rain on the roof of the car I heard my son Josh yell, “Mommy! This is what that song was talking about! This is the storm!” and then he started singing Matt Redman’s song “You Never Let Go” which has the line “You never let go through the calm and through the storm” and he sang it all the way home. This isn’t an album we own at our home, it’s just something he’s heard on the radio as we’ve been out running errands or I’m making breakfast. It was so surprising to me that he’d picked up on that and then connected it to a real life moment.

I’d love to encourage you today to think about the influences your kids are exposed to daily. There are so many things we can’t control, but what about the things we can? Are we taking those opportunities to surround them with what is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent and praiseworthy? I want to be looking for opportunities to edify their little spirits in ways they can understand. Maybe that isn’t by reading them John Piper or Elizabeth Elliot just yet. Maybe it means I endure a little more “Veggie Tales” and my worn out copies of “Psalty the Singing Songbook“ than I would prefer. But if it helps my kids come to understand the importance of knowing God, it will all be worth it.

September 14, 2011
by Maralee
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Fleeing temptation- it’s not just for kids

Fleeing temptation sure becomes less of a figurative ideal and much more of a literal concept when you’re training your children, doesn’t it? Does anybody else have a child who if you say, “Don’t touch the outlet” will then put his finger on the wall as close to the outlet as possible without actually touching it? That child has not yet learned the value of fleeing temptation. I came around the corner the other day to find my foster daughter putting my make-up back in my make-up bag. She knows she’s not supposed to handle those things and with each item she picked up she very firmly said to it, “No touch! No touch!” She’s coming so close to understanding that she shouldn’t give in, but she hasn’t yet learned to flee. I think my four year-old is getting a little better at understanding such things because as we prepped him for what kind of behavior is unacceptable at preschool he told us, “And if the other kids are doing that naughty thing I will RUN and tell the teacher.” Now we’re getting somewhere!

And as I’m focusing so much on teaching my kids how to avoid temptation, am I being that proactive in my own life? As the issues which seemed so black and white in my childhood now become more and more gray, am I clearly identifying sin and running in the other direction? When I want to be lazy, or gossip, or give in to anger am I justifying my actions or am I going to get serious about sin and flee? Even when it makes me unusual, even when it makes me uncomfortable, I want to be a good example to my kids of how important holiness is in my life. I want to role model that being obedient to God is always my highest priority.

September 7, 2011
by Maralee
1 Comment

My humility baby (don’t listen to my advice)

Can we talk about potty-training for a minute? If you’d like to get my wisdom I’d love to tell you about my child who on his second birthday I put in Thomas the Tank Engine undies and he never wore another diaper. I’d also like to tell you about my other child who at 19 months started telling me when she needed to go potty and rarely wet a diaper once I started listening to her. I could give you lots of hints and tricks to make your potty-training experience more smooth and enjoyable. I could make you think I have this situation totally figured out and if you listen to me you too will have a perfectly potty-trained child by the time they’re blowing out that second birthday candle. But I would not like to talk to you about my child that I have been potty-training for SIX MONTHS with little success. As a potty-trainer with this child I have been an absolute failure. I like to call this child my humility baby.

Whenever I am tempted to offer little tidbits to other moms about how to do things the “right” way- whether it’s getting your toddler to eat his veggies, stay in the bed during naps, or to never throw a fit I just remember my humility baby. He has taught me that in so many areas as much as parenting is about me and how I do things, it is equally about my child and his natural bent. All of the parenting magic I seemed to have with my other kids is totally useless on this child. This helps keep me in a good and humble frame of mind when I’m offering a little wisdom to another mom who is struggling. It’s so easy to think we have the answers for everybody else and unintentionally hurt the very mom we intend to help by acting like if they just did it our way things would be perfect. I wish everybody could have a humility baby who helps keep life in perspective, although I imagine God does this for each of us in the way we need it most. Next time I’m tempted to offer the random stressed mom in the grocery store a little piece of advice, I’ll be sure I’m remembering the little one in my grocery cart who teaches me that I’ve still got a lot to learn.

September 1, 2011
by Maralee
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I’m going to be a birth mother

Today I’m going to tell you something that if you could see me in person you wouldn’t have any doubt about- I am pregnant. On April 15th when everybody else was thinking about taxes Brian and I were instead having a moment of shock in front of a little plastic test that said God had done the impossible. Even more miraculous has been the fact that this pregnancy has continued smoothly and everything seems to be developing just right for our newest Baby. The winner for best response to our pregnancy announce has got to go to our next-door neighbor who when I told her we’d be having a baby in December said, “Oh really? Whose?” It was a perfectly logical question in light of our current adoptive family situation. Of course, this new addition has lead to lots of interesting conversations with our four year-old who has only known about adoption as the way our family grows.

Driving in the van the other day we had this interchange:

‎”Mommy, first you adopted me, then Danny, then we’ll adopt my sister. Next can we adopt the new baby?”
“Josh, we don’t have to adopt him because he will be born into our family.”
“Ummmm, if he was born to somebody else would we adopt him?”
“Uh, yes. We probably would. But we don’t have to because he already belongs to our family.”
“Ooooooh. So we already adopted him.”
“Ummm. . . sure, Josh.”

So many big thoughts in that little conversation! I love that for my son being born into your family just means a pre-birth adoption. And I love that he wanted to know if this child had been born to somebody else, would we adopt him. It’s such a beautiful thought. I think it illustrates that Josh already knows our bodies and souls are more than biology. He was born to another woman, but he was meant to be our son and we just had to find him. Josh knows that this time God made it a little easier.

It just makes me think about the heart of God who searches us out. Who calls us his own and makes us family through adoption. Our biological heritage matters, but it is our identity in Christ that defines us.

August 21, 2011
by Maralee
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Santa Claus vs. The Dentist

My son doesn’t believe in Santa Claus, but he does believe in the dentist and in his mind they must be almost the same thing. After a recent dental check-up Josh started asking me, “Mommy, do my teeth look so clean? That will make Dr. Lovelace happy.” That one I understood. I was more confused when he asked me, “Did I do a good job cleaning my room? I think Dr. Lovelace will like that, too.” I’ve been thinking about ways to harness this- “Josh, be good to your brother or Dr. Lovelace will be sad.” or “Dr. Lovelace really likes it when you help Mommy set the table.” Maybe we should find a little dentist figurine we could put up on the Christmas tree this year.

It’s amazing to me how much we are hard-wired to seek the approval of others even from such a young age. My son has yet to learn that brushing your teeth is important because it prevents cavities, but he’s willing to put in the time and effort because he thinks it will earn him the love of his dentist. And quite frankly, I can’t say I love flossing, but I dread seeing the dentist look disappointed so I floss away. Maybe the secret to being an effective dentist is a lot like the secret to being an effective mom- build a good relationship so you can infuse just enough guilt to get the responses you want. Maybe not.

For now I’m thankful that Josh is willing to have good behavior in hopes of pleasing the dentist, but I hope we’re able to get beyond that to understanding how to please the heart of God. I don’t want him to just be a people-pleaser because at some point you learn that what pleases people and what pleases God are not always the same. If he has to choose between making other people happy and honoring God, I want him to have the strength of character to make the hard choice.

So during these influential years let’s keep seeking out great role-models for our kids who will lead them to an understanding of the importance of doing right whether that’s their grandparents, their pastor, or even the dentist.

August 14, 2011
by Maralee
3 Comments

Grocery stores and gratitude

This week my husband is on a business trip. My wonderful mother offered to watch the kids for me one night and I found myself getting up every morning counting down the days. As soon as I dropped the kids off with my mom I did what any woman enjoying the benefits of freedom would do- I hit the grocery store.

It felt like such a mini vacation to be walking through those aisles with just a little basket instead of the usual giant cart that’s made to look like a race car. In that cart I can stick my two youngest who do great until about the time we hit the cereal aisle and then they start doing what at first seems like aggressive hugging and then turns into eye-poking and hair-pulling and only the promise of a cookie keeps them holding it together. And my four year-old is pushing his own little buggy and pretending he’s Lightening McQueen and every other shopper is unknowingly participating in the race for the Piston Cup. And I’m not even going to discuss the weeks there are no two-child carts available and I have to make the no-win decision of either letting the two year-old walk beside me or trusting him in the back of the buggy with the food.

So I took my time walking the aisles by myself. I even went down the ethic food aisle twice just dreaming about the dishes I could make if I ever had time to figure out how to use those ingredients. And I drifted back in time to the days before my kids. The days when I had all the time in the world to wander the aisles or make exotic meals. I enjoyed that freedom, but I knew it came at a price. I remember I would choke back tears as I passed frazzled moms who were begging their kids to chose the healthy cereal and I would pray, “God, if you will let me be a mother I will appreciate it every day. I will never forget what a gift children are.” I am so thankful God answered my prayer and I want to tell you that I HAVE appreciated that gift every day. I wouldn’t wish parts of the infertility and miscarriage journey on anyone, but I know I wouldn’t be the mother I am without it. For that reason, I do wish every mom could have this perspective- that your child is a gift directly from the hand of God and we have no promises about the length of time we may be entrusted with them. We need to make every day count and tell our kids how thankful we are that God put them in our family. Don’t let one day go by where you don’t fully experience the wonder and joy of motherhood and the preciousness of being allowed to invest in your children.

And for my friends who are still waiting on that gift- God has his perfect timing and He has not forgotten you. Don’t lose faith in His goodness.