A Musing Maralee

May 21, 2011
by Maralee
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“Mommy, give me another muffin. I love you.”

My four year-old is one smooth kid. He knows exactly how to get to his mother’s heart. Just the other day I walked into the room and found he had been beating one of his toys against the wall. Not only was this causing scratches on the toy, but it was leaving bright blue marks on the wall. I said to him, “Josh, do you see how you made a mark on the wall? I’m not very happy about that.” Josh answered me by saying, “Yes. I love you, Mommy.” Now, he’s tried this technique before, so I muscled through- “I love you too, Josh, but you-” here he interrupted me to say, “Mommy, let’s not talk about that anymore. I just love you so much.” How do you argue with that? This is also the child who when I told him he needed to ask politely for another muffin said, “Mommy, give me another muffin. I love you.” I think he’s pretty sure that a declaration of love can fix anything. And I think maybe he’s onto something.

I am certainly not a perfect person and when I find myself receiving instruction or in need of accountability I can be pretty defensive. I would rather explain myself or make excuses then humble myself and focus on what I need to change. I know Josh’s technique is more about distraction and avoiding trouble than about true humility, but I think he’s remembering something that I too often forget. Next time I find myself receiving some needed correction, I want to be sure and express my love to someone who would take the risk to help keep me on the right path. Although discipline rarely feels like love, as moms we know it’s precisely because we love our children that we’re willing to do battle with their little sin natures. I need to realize that it takes a lot of love for a friend- or dare I say my husband- to confront me in the ways I’m struggling, too. I think it’s important to accept it with a loving spirit and to see it as a reflection of the heart of my Father God who takes such an interest in my growth.

May 14, 2011
by Maralee
1 Comment

Mother’s Day can be tough

I am so excited about Mother’s Day. It’s a day I feel honored to celebrate the great Mom I have and it’s also a time I talk to my boys about the love I have for the mothers who gave them life- not to mention the hope I have for a little pampering for myself. As I talked about mothers with my four year-old recently he told me he wanted to go back to Liberia to meet his first mom. I told him I wanted to meet her too, since I never had a chance to thank her for taking such good care of him when he was in her tummy. He responded, “But Mommy, I was in your tummy. You came to the orphanage and they put me in your tummy!” As open as we’ve been with Josh about his adoption story, we obviously still have some work to do!

As much as I love Mother’s Day, I will never forget what a difficult day it used to be. One year my husband and I were in the midst of coming to terms with our infertility diagnosis while working as houseparents at a children’s home when Mother’s Day came. It was a stressful morning helping seven boys get breakfast, dress appropriately for church, locate their Bibles, avoid arguments about whose socks were whose. and then get into the vans to be at church on time. When we got to the church doors I saw teenagers were handing out carnations to the mothers. As I walked in, flanked by my crew of handsome young men, the girl at the door reached past me to hand a carnation to my pregnant friend. That’s when I realized that sometimes we can have a very strict definition of what a “mother” is.

Although this can be a tough day for those who have heartache related to mothers or mothering, I’m encouraging you to have a heart of gratitude for the women in your life who have functioned in a mothering role and for the children in your life who have benefitted from your love. In the adoptive family of God, being a mother isn’t just about biology.

May 7, 2011
by Maralee
2 Comments

“How are you taking it?”

As a stay-at-home mom, sometimes I forget how desperate I can be for adult interaction. I am likely to get involved in lengthy conversations with the grocery store clerk, the local librarian, and I think I’ve even talked the ear off of a telemarketer or two. This issue was highlighted for me recently when my foster daughter had been struggling with a fever for a couple days. I called the doctor’s office and was connected with a friendly nurse who asked me some questions. After I described our little girl’s symptoms and how high her fever had gotten the nurse asked, “How are you taking it?” I let out a huge sigh and said, “Well, it’s been tough because I’ve been under a lot of stress recently, but she’s eating and sleeping well so I haven’t been too worried.” The nurse paused for a minute and clarified: “No, I mean, how are you taking her temperature- orally, under her arm?” I contained my humiliation just well enough to get her instructions on what to watch for with our girl, but I could feel the heat rising to my face.

I am so thankful that God always wants to hear how I’m taking it. That He cares about all those details of my life. And I’m thankful He instructs us to function as a Body that depends on each other for support and encouragement. When I find myself looking for reasons to keep talking to the person who dialed my house by mistake, that’s when I know I need to be investing more in the lives of the moms around me who may be struggling the same way. Maybe if I’m expressing empathy and comfort to my other mom friends, I won’t be quite so likely to need it from the already over-taxed pediatric nurse.

May 1, 2011
by Maralee
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There is an upside to the flu

I have generally been a pretty healthy person. I have also bragged about how rarely my kids are sick- of course, I like to attribute that to all my efforts at healthy living. But this year was quite a reality check. We were SO sick and it seemed like just when one thing ended a new sickness began. I am attributing that to the fact that I now have three kids in my home who are all equally likely to lick a shopping cart handle or a piece of playground equipment. What were the chances we were going to avoid illness unless we decided to hibernate for the winter? And after the third round of colds and fevers, don’t think I didn’t contemplate it.

So when my normally VERY active two year-old came down with something that suspiciously resembled the flu, I knew we were in for a rough time. My toddler is normally very independent and not the cuddliest of kids, but sickness sure changes things! I will say that it’s almost worth a return visit of dinner in your hair, doing two loads of midnight laundry, and being awake until 5 a.m. if at the end of it your baby boy falls asleep in the rocker with his head on your chest and his hand on your cheek. Almost.

As I was rocking my little Danny I was thinking about how crisis in my own life also has a tendency to bring me to a more accurate realization of my dependence on my Heavenly Father. I may think I have independence and can be in control of my life, but those really troubled times find me once again climbing up in that rocking chair and holding tight to my Father’s promises of comfort and peace. And as much as I hate seeing my child sick, I do love the closeness it brings. I imagine God is sad to see us walk through those tough times, but He knows how important it is for us to be reminded of our need for Him. I want to learn to live in a way that I don’t need quite so many reminders.

And I’m also awfully thankful that cold and flu season is coming to an end!

April 21, 2011
by Maralee
2 Comments

Why did we get a dog? Really. Why?

Getting a dog has brought a whole lot of new thoughts out of my four year-old. Within the first week of the puppy’s arrival Josh said, “Mommy, Daddy is the boss of you. You are the boss of me and the babies. But I am the boss of the dog!” While I’m not totally sure about this chain of command, I could see where he was coming from. It is amazing to me to see how naturally Josh and his two year-old brother take to being “the boss” of something. They love to tell the dog “no” and expect total obedience from their furry friend, although he is often oblivious and less than responsive to their attempts at control.

Prior to becoming parents Brian and I owned a Border Collie- a very intelligent dog that lived to please us. We enjoyed training him to do tricks and took his obedience for granted. It was a bit of a rude awakening when Josh joined our family at ten months-old and when we told him to come, he expressed some ideas of his own. As much as we intended to be the boss of him, we had to build a relationship where he learned why it was in his best interest to obey and he trusted us because he had experienced our great love for him.

I see that God’s relationship with us has some similarities. Is God, in the words of my four year-old, “the boss of me”? Absolutely! Do I always obey the first time when He asks me to do something I don’t want to do? Not always. But God continues to love me and teaches me daily how it is not only in my best interest to obey, but that I can trust Him because of His great love for me.

And hopefully one of these days our little puppy will learn to obey, too!

April 14, 2011
by Maralee
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Lipstick on my teeth

Most of the time I am the very definition of a stay-at-home mom- I literally stay-at-home. I enjoy being at home with my kids and taking this show on the road takes so much time and energy that it often just makes more sense to stay put. Have you ever tried to get socks and shoes on six little feet, coats on three little bodies, and a strategically placed hairbow into one head of curls? It usually means that by the time the last child is ready to get in the car the first one has had just enough time to completely disrobe and also unroll half a roll of toilet paper around the bathroom. It can be enough to make you want to stay in pajamas.

So after going through our usual get-out-the-door routine, I was so excited to spend an hour with some adults. I left feeling reenergized, competent and pretty proud of myself for being involved in some grown-up conversations. That was until I passed by the mirror when I got home and saw the lipstick on my teeth. Lipstick on my teeth? How long was I rocking that look? Why did nobody say anything? That little realization nearly ruined the good mood I had from spending time investing in others.

Vanity is such an ugly thing. It keeps me from inviting people over if I don’t feel like my kids and I are dressed to impress and the house is perfect. It keeps me from going out if I don’t feel like I am put-together and making it look effortless. I want to start to be more focused on the needs of others than on maintaining a perfect image. I’m so thankful that God accepts me just the way I am- lipstick on my teeth and all.

April 7, 2011
by Maralee
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Praying to your Grandparents

My four year-old was deeply engrossed in some playtime with a favorite toy. He is a bit of a sentimental guy and as I walked through the room asked, “Mommy, who did give me this toy?” I told him it was from his grandparents that live in South Carolina. As soon as I said that, he bowed his head, closed his eyes and folded his hands in his traditional prayer posture. I was a bit confused until I heard him say, “Dear Nana and Papa, thank you for this toy. I love it so much.” Then he opened his eyes and went back to playing. It was one of those mothering moments when you aren’t sure if you should go document this act of sweetness in the baby book or sit your child down to explain how what he did was slightly blasphemous.

The more I thought about it, the more I was happy that thanking his grandparents for a toy fits into Josh’s concept of prayer. He loves his grandparents very much, he knows they are real and he speaks to them on the phone and through skype. He appreciates the gifts they send and he wants to communicate his thankfulness. I love that in his mind prayer could accomplish this, just like picking up the phone. I hope this is a good indication that he understands the reality of communication with God. Although Josh’s grandparents wouldn’t know about his thankful heart unless I told them, God does hear the sweet prayers Josh is learning to pray. I need to be harnessing this tender and trusting time in his life to help him grow his faith and his dependance on prayer in a way that will last him his life long. And I can learn from this, too! If I am to pray without ceasing, then some of my prayers ought to be simple and direct thank yous to God as my heart becomes aware of His goodness to me.

April 1, 2011
by Maralee
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Happy Meal Ebenezers

My four year-old took a stroll down memory lane today as he looked through the forgotten toys at the bottom of his toy box. He happened to find a Happy Meal toy, got this far-off look in his eye and said, “Mommy, remember that hamburger? It was SO good.” My boy loves hamburgers. He calls himself “a hamburger eating machine”. Up until today’s discovery of the Happy Meal toy, I had really thought his preference for hamburgers was because of his enjoyment of the included toy. Now I’m starting to wonder if it’s the other way around. I find it fascinating that the toy immediately made him remember the joy he found in the hamburger.

In a strange way, it made me think of the Children of Israel and how God often instructed them to construct memorials to remember what God has done. There are many amazing things God has done in our lives, but sometimes we need something tangible to help us remember His goodness to us. We are a forgetful people and prone to only think of our current crisis. Both of the times my husband and I lost babies through miscarriages we were blessed with little gifts that have helped us remember how faithful God was during that time. Our home is a bit of a monument to our trip to West Africa to adopt our son- it’s full of art and artifacts that help us remember what Liberia was like and how God brought our son into our family. I want to now be more intentional about surrounding myself with those reminders of God’s faithfulness so when times are tough I can see how He has brought me through. Maybe those Happy Meal advertising guys are on to something after all.

March 21, 2011
by Maralee
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“Do you see his mommy somewhere?”

At the recent library book sale my four year-old was being a little unruly- why did I bring him to the library book sale in the first place? He was standing with my husband and there was a lady looking at books between us. My blessed husband was trying to give me a break so he told Josh to stay beside him, but my son was whining, “I want my mommy!” The poor lady between us takes one look at my husband and son, then turns to me in a panic and says, “That little boy is telling that man he wants his mommy. Do you see his mommy somewhere?” I had to chuckle as I explained that “that man” was his daddy and that I was his mommy and that he was just fine. It was hard to fault her.

These are the unique moments of being a transracial adoptive family and I wouldn’t trade it for the world. We have been so blessed to see how God can make family out of people who share no DNA, and come from cultures half a world apart. Neither of my sons are biologically related to me or to each other, but they are both my sons and if you listened to them interact with your eyes closed you’d have no doubt about their brotherhood. Turns out arguing over toys knows no cultural boundaries.

I think the love of my family is a picture of heaven and I can’t wait until we get there to see the beautiful colors and cultures of the church universal and the last barriers broken down. It certainly changes the way I read reports about suffering as I more closely understand the heart of God for people all over the world. So when you see the faces of those children, try to imagine that isn’t just a hurting child, that’s YOUR hurting child. How would your perspective change?

And maybe next time you see an unruly four year-old at the library book sale of any nationality, you can find some extra grace in your heart for him, too.

March 14, 2011
by Maralee
1 Comment

Toys or Mom

I have a house FULL of toys. My kids have grandparents who live far away and like to make up for what they lack in frequency of visits by frequency of packages. My kids have their favorite toys and some things will occupy them for quite a while as they get their imaginations involved. But there are always many moments in a day where I find a child on my hip, a child tugging on my shirt, and a child calling me from the other room. Those are the moments I say, “We have a house full of toys- why is everybody right here?!”

I have learned that as much as my kids love their toys, they love me more. What they want more than anything else is just to have my attention. And especially to have it all to themselves- an unusual feat in a family with kids ages 4, 2, and 1. The toys meant to distract, entertain, or educate them are never going to fill the need in their hearts for the love, attention and interaction they crave with their parents.

So as a mom I’ve learned when they’re tugging on my shirt, instead of looking down, I just sit down. Right there, wherever it may be. I get down on their level, give them a hug, address whatever pressing concerns are on their heart and then they usually feel ready to go back and face their busy little lives.

I may not have many “toys”, but there sure are a lot of things in my life clamoring for my attention. But nothing else can fill the need in my heart for God. I hope He doesn’t mind too much when He finds me tugging on His shirt.