A Musing Maralee

March 8, 2013
by Maralee
35 Comments

There are no ugly women. Just lazy ones.

My mom used to say, “There are no ugly women, just lazy ones.” She said her mom used to say that to her. My mom said a lot of things I didn’t really understand when I was a kid (“If you don’t stop crying I’m going to give you something to cry about”, “Haste makes waste”, “One good sweep is worth nine good washes”), but in my adult life they’ve all become clear. My mom has never been what I would call “trendy” but she has always taken great care with her appearance. As early as I can remember she was up before we were, curling her hair and putting on her make-up. She says there are days before I can remember where she’d be driving all five of us kids to drop off the older three at school with her hair in rollers and her slippers on. I’m not sure if I believe her. I know it’s important to my mom to not be one of those lazy women who become ugly by default.

I think of this saying as I catch sight of myself in the rearview mirror backing out of the driveway to pick up my son from school. It’s not a pretty sight. Sometimes it goes beyond mere laziness into the unhygienic as I try to remember if I’ve brushed my teeth yet that day. Sigh. Raising four kids so close in age has taken its tool on my ability to be a not-lazy woman when it comes to my appearance. I try to imagine how early I’d have to get up to undo the damage done by the sleepless nights and exhausted days and then I realize I’d just be more sleepless and exhausted if I tried.

So I got a little huffy with my friend the other day who complained about the “uniform” she noticed when she was out to dinner with her husband the other night. She said all the ladies our age were wearing jeans, boots, fancy shirts and a scarf. She wondered when we all got so boring and lazy. Why don’t we wear the cute things the college girls are wearing? Why do we have to get comfortable and stop trying?

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March 7, 2013
by Maralee
2 Comments

Being the “Other Woman” (the foster mom)

Foster Moms, you have a hard job. I know you know that. Nobody gets into this thinking it will be simple and easy. We instinctively know it’s going to be a challenge to win the heart of a child who has been through some kind of trauma, but I remember when it dawned on me why it was sometimes harder for me than it was for my husband.

Our first experience raising kids was when we were houseparenting at a children’s home. We worked with boys ages 6-18. I remember after a few months of this experience having the frustrating realization that Brian was having all the fun and I was dealing with all the emotional drama. The boys were always looking for Brian’s approval and wanting to do “man stuff” with him- playing basketball, working in the garden, playing video games, or just hanging out with him. He was like a celebrity. I felt like I got the roller coaster treatment- sometimes they were so affectionate and sweet, some days they were angry and short-tempered. And I often found that one came right after the other. WHY?

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March 5, 2013
by Maralee
1 Comment

Parenting Tip of the Day #3- The power of “excuse me”

I am a big believer in the power of second chances. We all make mistakes and it’s so important to allow people to make changes, especially if they didn’t realize they made a wrong choice to begin with. That is such an important part of being a parent, too.

So here’s my tip:

When your kids say something wrong (disrespectful, unkind, inappropriate, etc.) you need to stop what you’re doing, turn and look at them and say, “Excuse me?” in your most serious voice. Not yelling. Not angry. Just serious. Give them a second chance to fix their words before you give them a consequence. Sometimes kids aren’t aware of how what they said came across or they just let their emotions get the better of them. By giving them a second chance you are able to see if they can identify what was wrong with what they said and if they’re willing to humble themselves and try a new response.

It may take some practice and repetition for them to know what you need from them when you say, “Excuse me?” but I have found it to be highly effective for three year-old girls and eighteen year-old boys alike. If a child isn’t interested in fixing their problem language, that’s when you know they are choosing to receive a consequence instead. You gave them an opportunity to change and they are showing you they need a little more convincing.

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March 4, 2013
by Maralee
12 Comments

Raising Future Husbands

I love raising boys. I am currently raising two beautiful boys through adoption and my surprise bio baby son. Before these boys entered my life I was a housemom in a boys’ home to 17 amazing young men. I really think God’s design for my life was for me to spend it raising boys.

(*I’m sure you can imagine after all these boys what an absolute treat my daughter has been to me. She is my sister-in-arms when it comes to dealing with living in the boy chaos and I highly value her little lady spirit in this house. She is a joy and a treasure.)

I remember someone saying to me, “When a daughter grows up she becomes her mother’s friend. When a son grows up he replaces his mother with a wife.” I’m guessing there’s a lot of truth to that. While it is heartbreaking to me to think someday my input in my son’s life won’t matter much, it does make me think about what kind of husbands I am raising. I do things differently when I think about the wife who will someday evaluate my work. And I want to be raising the kind of men who will attract the highest caliber of woman– the kind of woman who respects herself enough that she wants a husband who will treat her with respect, too.

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March 3, 2013
by Maralee
2 Comments

A Life in Status- March #1, 2013

(Come find me in realtime right over here)

I clean the kitchen from breakfast. They find the forgotten remnants of last night’s snack and dump popcorn crumbs around the living room. I clean the living room. They take all the pots and pans and wooden spoons out out of the kitchen and start a “band”.
If you find me rocking, twitching, and with a little drool hanging down my chin, try to act surprised.

So if I never watch the most recent episode of Downton Abbey, does that mean The Horrible Thing I’m afraid happens, just doesn’t happen? I may never watch it.

Sometimes what you don’t find in your children’s laundry is scarier than what you do find in their laundry. Like when you’re washing a week’s worth of laundry and don’t find any underwear. . .

What’s worse- the child who can’t be bothered to regularly wipe or the child who used an ENTIRE ROLL of toilet paper this morning?

Signs your family was formed in a non-traditional way:
Your three year-old says she has a foster baby in her tummy.

Sometimes you’re walking around, doing your normal stuff, baby on your hip, and you find yourself humming a song from your past. Then you’re singing, “And where was I before the day that I first saw your lovely face? Now I see it every day. And I know that I am, I am, I am the luckiest” and you look down at your baby’s face looking up at you and you cry. #motherhood

Daughter came around the corner and caught me hiding in the pantry, stealing chocolate out of her candy bag. She sighed, “It okay, Mommy. You can have some.”
#loveher

A friend loaned me a bottle of beer (which I’m sure didn’t look weird at all to the other moms waiting to pick up their kids from elementary school) to use in a recipe, but it wasn’t until I was going to add the beer that I realized I didn’t know how to open it. I figured it out, but not without spilling a bunch on the counter and now smelling like a back alley.
#mennoniteproblems

I have successfully taught my six year-old how to work the clothes drier. . . which means he may now be slightly more capable of living independently than his dad is.

Me: Okay guys, let’s brush your teeth.
Danny: Why? We going somewhere?
#parentingfail

I just put frosting and sprinkles on an Oreo. Nobody tell my kids. . . or my mom.

You know your husband works late hours when you drive by his office and your kids say, “Hey, there’s Daddy’s house!”

Danny: Mommy, where your ring come from?
Me: That ring belonged to Daddy’s grandma and he gave it to me as a present when we got married.
Danny: Daddy take it from her?
Me: Oh no, she died before I met your daddy.
Danny: Mommy, who killed her?
#reasonableassumptions

If my son ever hears the actual words to Beyonce’s “Single Ladies” he will be surprised to know they aren’t “If you write it then you should have put your name on it” as I sing to him during homework time.

Things hipster parents know:
Babies love The Lumineers “Ho Hey” song.

The Baby has a five just a five word vocabulary. One of those words is “poop”.
#clearlyhasolderbrothers

“Mom, look! I drew Barkley (our dog). I can draw Joel, too. See? He’s crawling so I just draw Barkley with no tail.” -Josh
Sounds about right.

February 28, 2013
by Maralee
21 Comments

Adoption is Hard (or Why I was Watching Buffalo Videos Today)

In hindsight it’s easy to see the signs that today was going to be a difficult day. For starters, instead of bringing his usual stuffed dog to breakfast, my son brought his buffalo. After I put the baby down for his morning nap I noticed some books were missing from the bookshelf. They were my Native American books. I found them on the end table where I guess my son had put them after thumbing through them. Then after doing a couple puzzles together (the usual- dinosaurs, jedis, Spiderman) he got down his big brother’s puzzle of the United States. I knew it would be tough (60 pieces for a 4 year-old is a bit of a stretch), but we sat down to do it together. As we assembled the puzzle Danny quietly asked, “Where the other Indian boys, Mommy?” I wasn’t sure how to respond, but over the course of finding the right spots for those 60 pieces he repeated the same question in different ways while I tried out different answers. Finally when we got to the South Dakota piece I said, “This is where the reservation is for the people in your tribe.” He said, “I from there?” I tried to explain how he was born in Nebraska, his birth family lives just 15 minutes from us, but his tribe is in South Dakota. That’s when he broke. My precious son who has been with me since he was just a few days old sobbed, “I can’t find my family. I can’t find my family.”

Adoption is hard.

Adoption is a beautiful Plan B when something goes wrong. Children are supposed to be raised by parents who are ready to love and nurture them. That isn’t always the way life works. I have NO doubts about the rightness of Danny’s presence in our life. He was meant to be with us. I have so much love and respect for his birth family, but it would not have been a good environment for him to be raised in, especially with some of his unique issues. And this isn’t just my opinion. This was the finding of the State of Nebraska who had a representative of his tribe look into the situation to decide what was in his best interest. Everybody agreed, including his birth mother who has graciously been a supporter of his life with us. But that doesn’t mean this journey is easy.

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February 27, 2013
by Maralee
8 Comments

Worship In the Mess

(photos by Rebecca Tredway)

A couple months ago during our Sunday church service I was so touched to see my six year-old with his hands raised during worship. I wiped the tear from my eye and then realized he was actually shooting invisible Spiderman webs at the people sitting in the balcony. Yep. Sounds about right.

Having four kids ages 6, 4, 3, and 1 has made this a really difficult season to focus during the portion of our service dedicated to worshiping God through music. This is hard for me because before having our fourth child my husband and I had regularly been involved in leading music for every church we’d been part of over the ten years we’ve been together and the three states we’ve lived in. It has always been a way I’ve enjoyed focusing my mind and heart on my Creator. These days it just isn’t the same.

I hate to say I’ve had to discipline my kids during worship for trying to climb over the pew or dumping out the entire contents of my purse in the quest to find a snack or pulling the hair of their sibling. I’ve also tried bribing my kids with candy or gum to have good behavior for at least a song or two. I’ve tried pre-teaching them the songs we’ll be singing that night, telling them to look for their favorite letter in the powerpoint slides, letting them color, or even holding them so they can’t cause a distraction. It is exhausting. And hardly worshipful.

Sometimes as a mother it’s easy to feel like just a pair of hands for making sandwiches and ears for listening to complaints. It’s hard to remember that YOU have a soul! Your life matters for more than just the services you provide for your kids or your job. It’s hard to connect to that reality when your church time is full of you practicing your best child containment strategies and your home life feels like constant crisis management.

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February 26, 2013
by Maralee
7 Comments

Answer Her Call (and I’m not being figurative)

My husband is a hard worker. I didn’t really know this about him when we were dating and I was pretty sure I was–for better or worse–marrying the class clown. Turns out the same dedication to his craft he pursued while pulling pranks, doing pratfalls, and eating a bowl of cereal without the use of his hands, he now pours into his work. I’m sure the pressures of having four children who eat like they are in a constant game of Hungry, Hungry Hippos contributes greatly to how hard he works, especially in a career that is commission based. I’m so proud of Brian and I know the way he works reflects a love of his job and clients, a love for his family, and a love for God.

But sometimes I need to know that I matter too, on a personal level. I matter even between the hours of 9 a.m. and 6 (sometimes 7) p.m. I remember having this weird cycle back when I was nine months pregnant with Joel. It would go like this:

– I would want to call Brian about something dumb (“Hey, your favorite juice was on sale so I bought a bunch!”).
-I would worry if I called him he’d think I was in labor so I wouldn’t call and if I called I’d hope he didn’t pick up if something important was going on at work.
-Then I would call him about something slightly less dumb (“What time will you be home tonight so I can have the casserole ready?”).
-He wouldn’t pick up.
-I would be super mad- “I could have been in LABOR and he didn’t even PICK UP!”

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February 25, 2013
by Maralee
4 Comments

A tale of two doctor appointments

On Thursday of last week my son got prescribed an antibiotic for a sinus infection. Four days later my daughter was prescribed an antibiotic for an ear infection. I asked the doctor if the two things were related. She told me the virus we’d been passing back and forth was definitely contagious, but needing two antibiotic prescriptions was just “bad luck”. I knew it wasn’t bad luck. It was God humbling me for the time just a couple weeks ago I told somebody we NEVER took antibiotics, as though that was some great accomplishment on my part. You know, good mothers don’t have sick kids or something like that. Motherhood is strange. Even in sickness I feel like I can’t win- some people will think you’re cruel for not getting your kids to the doctor fast enough and some will think you’re a wimp for taking them at all.

Which brings me to the experience of the doctor visit. Normally we’re in for well-child checks every couple months for one of them and while I try to arrange my schedule so I don’t have ALL my kids there for each child’s appointment, it isn’t often that I have the experience of just one child at the doctor’s office. Having my kids who are just 9 months apart (my son is 4 and my daughter is 3) at solo doctor visits just four days apart was a very enlightening experience.

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February 25, 2013
by Maralee
2 Comments

Our Giveaway Winners!

A big thanks to everybody who entered our giveaway from KraftyKash! It was so much fun to read all your entries and see what places were special to you. And tonight I had fun with the boys writing out your names, and then letting them draw two out of a hat. Here’s who won:

Josh picked Polly! Here’s a note from Polly about what place is special to her-

I chose Toccoa because it has both romantic and special significane to me. It is where I met my husband our freshman year, where we spent the majority of our 3 year dating relationship and where we spent the first 6 months of our married life together. I have so many sweet memories from our time there. Toccoa will always hold a special place in my heart.

Danny picked Karen! This made me laugh because Karen was our very last entry (and I swear we shook up the names really well). She is proof that it’s better late than never. And also that maybe procrastinating does pay off every once in a while. Here’s a note from Karen about her special place-

Holy buckets. I guess the 2 minutes I spent on the computer yesterday paid off! I haven’t had much time to think about this but I’m leaning toward Lincoln, NE for the necklace. We didn’t meet here but we bought our first home here, had our first baby here and after moving away for 5 years, God brought us back here to raise our family. Thanks Maralee and thank you Danny!

And a big thanks to Kashoan! Hope we can do another giveaway soon.