A Life in Status- June #1, 2015

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Me: Okay, now it’s time for everybody to grab a book and read for fifteen minutes.
Bethany (5): Um, Mom? I can’t read yet.
Me: . . . Oh. . . right. . .
‪#‎summer‬

Me: So what did we learn? What do you call inappropriate pictures of people without their clothes?
Child 1: Biography!
Me: Um, no. But you’re kind of close. It starts with a P.
Child 2: It’s PIE-ography.
‪#‎soclose‬

Joel (3): I just got back from work, Mom. I was talking a little and working and I had a meeting.
Me: Oh yeah? Did you have some good ideas at your meeting.
J: Um, no I didn’t. Not today.
‪#‎somedaysarelikethat‬

The nice thing about throwing up when all you’ve had to “eat” all day is coffee is that it is the same taste and texture coming up as it was going down.
‪#‎migrainemom‬

Me: . . .so I teach you to do the dishes, but then when you get older and move out I’ll have to do them myself again. I’ll probably have forgotten how to do them.
Josh (8): I don’t think I’m moving out. I think I just want to stay here.
Me: Oh, when the time comes, you’ll want to move out. When you get older you probably won’t want to live under our rules anymore and you’ll want to make your own.
Josh: Why would I want to do that?
‪#‎lovehim‬ ‪#‎notateenageryet‬

The 7 month-old started crawling and the 19 month-old peed in the potty for the first time. So it’s pretty much all bonbons and soaps from here on out, right? RIGHT?! . . .
‪#‎motherhoodisamarathon‬

Baby’s Steps to Self Feeding
Step 1: Grab food with fingers- CHECK
Step 2: Put fingers in mouth- CHECK
Step 3: Release food from fingers-. . . haven’t figured that out yet
‪#‎angrybaby‬ ‪#‎7months‬

Danny (6): I think Teddy would be a good President someday.
Me: Oh yeah? Why is that.
D: Because he’s got long legs. Like Abraham Lincoln.
‪#‎futurevoter‬ ‪#‎priorities‬ ‪#‎childofhistorynerds‬

The 7 month-old (bio) and 19 month-old (adopted) are now wearing the same diaper size.
‪#‎genetics‬

Me: Good news, Guys! Your aunt is having another baby! A new cousin for you!
Joel (3): She is? Who is it?
Me:Ummm. . . I don’t know. He isn’t born yet.
‪#‎adoptivefamilyassumptions‬

Bethany (5): Mom, Joel ate the wrapper!
Me: Is he okay?
Joel (3): I’m okay.
Me: . . . Then I guess. . . we’re good.
And now you know why I quit spending so much time worrying about if our food was organically grown.

Josh (8): How come when I’m in the water sometimes I can float like this (faces forward), but I can’t float like this (faces backwards)?
Me: I don’t know.
Josh: But Mom, you finished school!
‪#‎momfail‬

Anybody else ever say “That’ll do, Pig.” to somebody in a totally affectionate way and then realize maybe the other person has no idea what you’re referencing and it sounds really horrible? No? Just me. Great.

“Hey! Don’t put fishsticks up your nose!”
‪#‎keepinitclassy‬ ‪#‎summerlunch‬

In case you’re wondering- Yes, it is possible for a child who has FIVE AVAILABLE SIBLINGS to complain that there’s no one to play with.

Neighbor Kid: Why did he have to be in the hospital when he was a baby?
Me: He was just born too early.
Danny (6): No. I had Elephantiasis.
. . . I have no words for this child sometimes. . .

(Reading the boys “The Magician’s Nephew”)
Me: Oh, I love this part. The song was coming from A LION. Do you know that lion?
Danny (6): OH! OH! The lion from. . . from. . . from THE LION IN A WARDROBE?!
Me: YES! Do you remember his name?
Danny: Ummmmmm. . . Wardrobe?
‪#‎soclose‬ ‪#‎sorryLewis‬

Me: How was VBS?
Joel (3): GREAT! I didn’t show anyone my privates!
‪#‎nailedit‬

The kids have been really squirrelly during lunch. Today I put on an “Adventures in Odyssey” cd and everybody ate in complete silence for ten whole minutes and listened.
‪#‎sanitysaver‬ ‪#‎thanksWhit‬

Danny (6): Joel, you wanna play basketball? We need two eggs, two pillows and two bacons.
. . . sounds like my kind of basketball. . .

I had to drive to the outskirts of town for an appointment. I forgot to leave 15 minutes early in case I got stuck behind a tractor. . .
‪#‎Nebraska‬

Hard Plastic Rattles- because it is important for babies to learn as early as possible that fun activities often come with a certain level of risk.
‪#‎ouch‬ ‪#‎nofinemotorskills‬

Well, I made sure there were shoes on the 8 month-old, 19 month-old and 3 year-old before we headed to the library. I did not check the 8 year-old.
‪#‎mymistake‬

“Now ordinarily, me tell you that me not going to eat this cookie. But, let’s face facts. Me going to eat this cookie. Me know it. You know it. Everybody know it.”
-Cookie Monster, letter of the day sketch, Letter F
And that’s when you realize your inner monologue is basically just Cookie Monster.

“Cleans blood out of upholstery and carpet? What is this, the preferred carpet cleaner of serial killers? Hahahaha, ‘cleans blood’. Who needs that?” –Maralee, age 21
“CRAP! Somebody go grab the carpet cleaner! The one that CLEANS BLOOD!” –Maralee, today
‪#‎motherhood‬