A Life in Status- December #1, 2016

Enjoy my barely controlled chaos on Facebook or Twitter.

I love the idea of doing one of those be your own boss, work-from-home sales jobs for a fun company. . . except it seems like they all revolve around being good at girlie stuff and I am not. Can someone let me know if they invent a pyramid scheme that involves selling comfortable t-shirts that hide chocolate stains really well? Or like an all-in-one nacho kit? Or a home decor line that is durable enough to double as children’s toys? I’ll promote the mess out of those things.
#lipstick #dresses #jewelry #purses #noonewantsfashionadvicefromme

I handed The Baby an ornament I thought was indestructible. I watched him try unsuccessfully to hang it on the tree. Then he went the unconventional route of hurling it at the tree as hard as he could. The ornament smashed. I’m going to go ahead and say this was mostly my fault.
#Christmaswithtoddlers.

You know how some people like to listen to the same song a thousand times in a row? My two year-old is one of those people. And I am the thing that plays the songs.
#doyouwannabuildasnowmaaaaaaaaan #AGAINMOM

“TEDDY! Don’t lick the ornaments!”
#chubbybabyproblems

It doesn’t matter how long it’s been since their adoptions, when I sign a form for one of my kids and it asks, “relationship to child” and I get to write “Mother” I still get butterflies.
#lovebeingtheirmom

My six kids just successfully split one donut and nobody cried. #myworkhereisdone

A good friend will be proud of your kids for being able to peacefully split one donut. A great friend will be sure they’re rewarded with a full dozen to share. My kids are thankful today that I have just such a great friend. #bethatfriend

“Mom, can I have a Godstopper?” #soclose#gobstopper

Me: You need to go potty before we leave because when we drive through the mountains we can’t just pull over for a potty break.
Joel: Through the mountains? Will there be lava?
Me: Not through the mountains like that. The road snakes around them.
Joel: Snakes? We can’t go potty because there are snakes in the mountains? Do we drive over them?
#Igiveup

I would like to apologize for any negative thing I ever said about DVD players in vehicles.
#15hourroadtrip #sanitysaver

It’s the moment when you’re thinking to yourself, “We’re doing this! We’re having dinner with friends and our kids are being kind of well behaved!” that your toddler walks out of the bathroom, hands you a used diaper as you’re eating your meal and says, “I not need this.”
#theykeepmehumble #inviteustodinner #weregoodforalaugh

Anyone else ever been at a funeral when a stranger comes up and starts talking to you about porn?
#lovemylife #embracetheawkward #myreadersareeverywhere#theyliketotalk #metoo

Oh, the disappointment of a toddler who just realized “National Park” doesn’t mean what it sounds like.
#noswings #noslides #justtrees

Danny: This kid makes a lot of trouble.
#firsttimewatchingHomeAlone

The three year-old came up to me with a screwdriver and ominously said, “I going to fix your body.”
#goodluckwiththat #toddlersarecreepy

I guess when I said, “Here’s a bathroom drawer for you to put your things in.” I should have been more specific.
#Imeantatoothbrush #raisingascientist #nutsandfossils#geologistfriendsgivethebestgifts #BUTWHEREISTHETOOTHBRUSH

 

Watching “Home Alone” when you have one kid: “This premise is so ridiculous. How could you not know you were missing a child?”
Watching “Home Alone” when you have multiple children: “This is on the list of things I’m thankful haven’t happened to us. Yet.”
#iftheheadcountiswrongWEREALLSCREWED

I got to talk to a class of almost licensed foster parents tonight. That is just one of my very favorite things to do. I love that people are walking into this- eyes wide open, willing, excited. It does my heart good.

Jingle Bells: A song no parent would willingly teach their child, but somehow EVERY KID KNOWS.

The two year-old thinks this is “snowman juice.”
#soclose #awkward #makessense #doyouwanttojuiceasnowmaaaaaan

 

How come every time I explain the changes that happen with puberty, one of my kids cries? I feel I may be doing this wrong. . .
#WHYMom #dowehaveto #butsomedaywillthehairstopgrowing